The Customer is Always Right

Vin Diesel Live

2011-03-11T10:00:00.000-05:00

To:Anthony
From: Roger
Anthony,
Glad that I found your post on-line. My son Darius and I have our very own rock band and we are currently in need of a new singer. Its just Darius and I after Darius's stunt coordinator started performing tricks with my wife. It sounds like you are what we are looking for. We need someone who is very dedicated and loves music as much as we do.
We are really in a bind because we have 3 upcoming shows as soon as May 5th, and we really need to get more rehearsal time in.
Where are you located and do you have reliable transportation?

-RIP
"Then David and all Israel played music before God with all their might, with singing, on harps, on stringed instruments, on tambourines, on cymbals, and with trumpets."
1 Chronicles 13:8

To: Roger
From: Anthony
I am located about 50 mind north of the city I have my own car, what kind of music do you guys play tell me a little more about you guys

To:Anthony
CC: Darius
From: Roger
Anthony,
Thanks for your quick response. We're really into some edgy stuff. Darius plays drums/percussion and I handle all of our keys. We both find guitars just plain boring and nothing can compare to the sounds produced by my Casio. I would describe our music as mainly a mix of all styles of music, with Darius adding a little extra pizazz. Our fan favorite tune is called "Night Terrors", which is actually a true-life account about extremely violent nightmares that Darius had during his first few months of sixth grade last fall. This songs features a lot of rhythm changes and Darius handles the vocals mainly by shrieking into the microphone trying to recreate the graphic energy of those terrors.

To:Anthony

CC:Roger

From: Darius

dad u forgot about the lazer lights and the costumes! idoit!

antony, we also have a lazer light system that i got for christmas and we use that to have cool effects that make the crowd smile and be amazed. and for each show we will wear a theme costume. usually it is a sorcerer theme.
i sometimes wear a wizard beard when i play but dont worry cuz i have another one too but its not as autehntic.

p.s. our band is called VIN DIESEL cuz he is my favorite actor
-darius

"i caught em all!"

To: Roger

From: Anthony

You guys are a band and have fans and your son is in sixth grade?? I'm looking for something more serious than a father son project. thanks anyway

To:Anthony

CC:Darius

From: Roger

I assure you that we take our music seriously and we have quite a fan following. We've played a good amount of gigs so far this year, and usually play once a week. Our big yearly gig is a 4 night set at the Hunker Volunteer Fire Dept east of Pittsburgh. Right now we only have two songs, but Darius is currently working on new material for our upcoming album "Father, Mother & Son", obviously we would change the album to "Father, Anthony & Son".

Right now we are practicing out of my mother's house, so we would probably need to relocate. Perhaps you could host a practice?

Is there any way that you could host a practice tomorrow?
Let me know
Roger

To: Roger

CC: Darius

From: Anthony

I am thinking this a joke but i am kind of intrigued by the weirdness of this project and strangely interested.

To:Anthony

CC:Roger

From: Darius

i will handle this idoit dad!

we dont allow idoits into our band and espcilly if they are dumb. i hope no one wants u in their band and u never get a babe!

-darius

"i caught em all!"

Community Service

2011-03-09T09:32:00.000-05:00

POSTING:
I need to get a job doing 100 hours of community service. Please e-mail me if you have work for me or can point me in the right place.

Roger to Justine
Good afternoon,
I saw your posting on-line and see you are looking to get 100 hours of community service. I enjoy helping troubled kids, and I can definitely help you out if you are willing to help me out.
Just a few questions,
By what date do you need to be finished with your 100 hrs?
How old are you?
Are you able to perform manual labor?
Please let me know if you are interested.
Have a good day!
-Roger
"Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women ..."
Ezekiel 9.6

Justine to Roger

I have until around the 20th of March, im 18, and yes i can do manual labor. All depending on where the place is. what would i be doing?

Roger to Justine

Well it looks like you have a little under a month to get some sweat in your shorts!

I'm a working man who believes in second chances, so I don't care what you did or who you raped or murdered. That information is none of my business, but what my business is is sheep breeding. I operate a 20 acre sheep ranch about 20 minutes outside of Baldwin.
I have a flock of about 200 sheep, and of those 200 about 45 are rams who have reached their peak sexual maturity. If you know anything about sheep breeding you know that rams on the prowl for ewe can be quite aggressive. At age 55, Its not always easy for me to handle them and an extra hand would be appreciated.
Right now its just me and my 10 year old son Darius on the farm, but he is usually practicing stunts for upcoming movies.
If you'd like you could come by and I can give you a tour of the farm and demonstrate the type of work you will be doing.
Thanks,
Roger P

"Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women ..."
Ezekiel 9.6

Justine to Roger

sheep breeding??? r u serious? it does not sound like a thing i would want to do. thanks.

Roger to Justine

Justine,

Don't quit on me now. Its really not as bad as it sounds.

Your typical day would start around four when the sheep are still asleep. I would ride into the pen on my segway blasting an air-horn and shrieking like a banshee. This should wake up the majority of the sheep. As they awaken you'll be on foot with a baseball bat. As the sheep arise from their slumbers you will knock them out with a swift crack to the skull.

Don't worry, the sheep don't feel a thing because sheep don't have nerves in their heads. After all the sheep have been knocked out we'll break for lunch around one o'clock. Any sheep that you hit too hard will be taken into the kitchen. We'll then enjoy a meal of boiled mutton served in chicken beaks.

At 1:10pm, you'll drag the unconscious sheep into my upstairs guest bedroom, four at a time. I'll take it from there. In the meantime you'll need to give each ewe a full scrubbing in order to attract a mate, and a few of the ewes may be delivering.

I'm sure that you being 19 and a troubled girl, you probably have experience giving birth. Lamb delivery is just like child birth; although occasionally you will get kicked in the sternum by a birthing ewe. No worries though, I will provide you with a bicycle helmet to safe guard from arrant hooves.

Sometimes a newborn lamb may become lodged in the birth canal. Its very important that you are not fat and maintain top physical condition, because you will sometimes be head and shoulders into the birthing canal to fetch one of the furry buggers.

I can't work as long a day as I used to, so I wouldn't expect you to either. Most days will end around ten or so.

This means it'll take you a little longer to get your 100 hours of service in. I figure if we start on Monday you'll have your 100 hours by Saturday night, which will be just in time for our monthly apple cider & sheep shave jamboree.

Roger

"Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women ..."
Ezekiel 9.6

Justine's Mother to Roger

Hi, I'm Justine's mom and you need to leave my daughter alone! She already said she's not interested in your disgusting business, and I'd like for her to earn something useful during her punishment.

Thank you,

Wendy **********

Roger to Justine's Mom Wendy

Wendy,

I know you said your Justine's mom, but your comments about the uselessness of sheep breeding make me think you're hiding some serious coconuts under your slacks. You obviously don't know a lick about sheep breeding and its benefits. Sheep breeding is hard work and it teaches you discipline, drive, determination and a tender loving touch.

I'm offering Justine a gravy train with biscuit wheels. I spent 17 months on a farm in Cut Bank, Montana giving lambs a bath with Johnson & Johnson No Tears before I was even allowed to step foot on the breeding floor with my Pap Pap. What I'm offering your daughter is a chance to deliver life into this world, and feel the warmth of a newborn lamb covered in amniotic fluids snuggling up close to her face. She'll be on the cutting edge of sheep husbandry, where later this month I'll be attempting to breed a sheep and a cocker spaniel to create the world's first true sheep dog.

Sheep breeding also has benefits in the workplace. Maybe your boss comes in one day and tells you that you're fired, you're fat and your parents died on a Wave Runner. Its going to hurt for sure, but it won't hurt as bad as having a third trimester ewe blowing out your two front teeth with a hoof to the mouth.

I ask you to reconsider Mrs. ********.

In conclusion, I think your daughter Justine should work for me because she will learn a lot about lambs and sheep breeding.

Here are some sheep breeding materials that will give you more information as well as some well drawn visuals of the reproductive systems:

http://www.sinosheep.com/

Sincerely,

Roger Podacter

"The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same."

-Stendhal

Hansa 3672 Life Size Giraffe Stuffed Animal

2010-05-05T03:33:00.001-04:00

Link: Hansa Life Size Giraffe

Driver's Test

2010-05-03T03:33:00.002-04:00

Roger to Akshan

Hi,
I saw your ad on-line and see that you need someone to drive you up to Somerset from Pittsburgh for your driver's test. I make daily trips to and from the Pittsburgh area most weeks which would bring me right near Somerset. In your posting you say you are looking for a car, unfortunately I only have a truck, but its a small Chevy S-10 pickup. I figure $50 should cover the cost of the trip and my time.
Let me know what you think

Akshan to Roger

Roger,

Sorry for the late response.
I think a truck should be fine. That's still a non-commercial vehicle.

Just to make sure:
I need someone to drive me there... then I do the driving test in the truck... then I need to be driven back.

If that makes sense, let me know.

Roger to Akshan

Akshan,
Thats great to hear. It will be no problem at all. I'll be making three manure deliveries next week to several farms right near Somerset .
Right now I am flexible on what days, so you just let me know which day that you want to pass your test! Ha, I am talking like you already passed, but I know you will.
Just let me know

Akshan to Roger

Roger,

Thursday and Saturday next week work.

Saturday is better since I don't have to miss class but Thursday is manageable too. Either way it would help if I drove the truck around a little bit (maybe practiced parallel parking) before I do my test.

Roger to Akshan

Akshan,
Next Saturday just may work, but I am going to have to level with you. I am a manure farmer so basically my truck is loaded fuller than a Don Pablo's commode. I run animal feces up the mountain to local farms along Route 30. My little S-10 is not quite large enough to accommodate the growth of my business, and I have been forced to use the interior for storage on occasion.
Thankfully, your driver's test is in the spring, because you can only imagine in a night terror how the cab smells on a 95 degree afternoon in July. No worries though my friend, I keep a bottle of Vick's vapor rub on the dash to put under your nostrils to take some sting out of the smell.
I also wanted to check beforehand to make sure its OK that the truck has no seatbelts. I removed them last summer after I hit a shed that came out of nowhere, and I had trouble getting out of the car before the fire started.. The cops claimed I was under the influence of alcohol and methamphetamine, but I don't see how they could have smelled anything besides the four and a half tons of farm slurry (liquid manure) I was hauling in several hundred 2-liter Ginger Ale bottles.
I'll be in the city next week for an AA meeting and to meet with my parole officer, so you can test drive the car and practice your parking then. You are going to want to wear some older clothes, because I'll be hauling a 3-ton to a farm in Buterl. And if you can catch a sinus infection between now and next week, you'd be doing your nostrils a favor.
Just let me know,
Roger

Trampoline Tramp

2010-04-30T03:42:00.008-04:00

Roger to Kara

Hello,
I see you have a trampoline that you want to get rid of. My son Darius
turns 9 today, and I think him and his friends would really love something
like a trampoline for his birthday party coming up this weekend.
Where are you located?
Thanks,
Roger

Kara to Roger

Its the safety net enclosure only.

Roger to Kara

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your ad clearly states that you are selling "a trampoline". Is the ad a mistake?
I'LL BUY THE TRAMPOLINE TOO.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR IT?

Kara to Roger

I m not selling the trampoline

Roger to Darius

    Darius,
    I was going to buy a trampoline off this lady (moron), but she isn't selling a trampoline she says now. I    don't know why she is being so racist, but it looks like we might have to just get a clown or a petting zoo or something for your birthday.
    Sorry,
    Love,
    Dad

Darius to Roger CC:Kara (with the previous e-mail attached)

DAD!!! A CLOWN IS SO DUMB! I AM NOT 5!
U TOLD ME U FOUND A TRAMPELENE!!!!!!! THIS GIRL IS DUMB AND SHE DOESNT EVEN WANT TO SELL IT TO US NOW!?!??!?
WHAT KIND OF LOSER DOES THAT!!!!
TELL HER WE WANT IT OR ELSE

Kara to Roger CC:Darius

F*** OFF...don t be a cheap ass and go buy 1 from a store (like I did for my son)

Roger to Kara
What kind of way is that to speak to a child!? Especially on his birthday!   I'm typing this e-mail and my groin is completely soaked. Soaked from the tears of Darius as he cries on my lap. You've got some nerve lady. You post an ad for a trampoline for sale and then you get enraged when I want to buy it.   I don't know if this is a race thing, or you're having marital problems or its just a heavy day, but I don't appreciate you treating my son like you would treat one of your little spawn terrors.
Hopefully our children aren't in the same school district. If they are, then I can only pray that you provided them plenty of your genes so they'll never advance past 3rd grade.
That being said, if you still have the trampoline, I'll give you $60 for it.
Please let me know.
-Roger

Baltimore Road Trip

2010-04-28T05:49:00.001-04:00

Roger to Bernard

Good afternoon,
I see you're headed to Baltimore today. Any chance I can ride along with my son Darius?
Thanks,
Roger

Bernard to Roger
Oh shoot! I meant to write Sunday! Just fixed the post.
Would you still be interested in that case? Plenty of room for 2 people; luggage too if you have it.

-Bernard

Roger to Bernard

Bernard (Saint Bernard! HAHA, i LOVE dogs!),
Sunday, would work as well. We just need to be there by Monday, I'm not sure if you have a fast car or what. We don't have much luggage just one bag, but we do have some rather peculiar cargo. We're headed to Baltimore for the National Livestock Convention outside the city, and my son is an amateur lambsmen. Thankfully he's only showing one lamb this year, so it won't be difficult to take it to Baltimore in your vehicle. Bojangles is a six month old ewe, so she's small and could easily fit in the back seat or in your trunk. She's very loving and well behaved.
The only problem is that she's just reaching her sexual maturity, so she's currently menstruating. I know this sounds like a bother, but its really not, just part of nature. I do have diapers that I put on her, but we'd need to stop a few times to change the gauze and allow her to "do her business".
Another small problem is that we just recently ran out of tampons, and I am kind of embarrassed buying them. So maybe once you pick me up you could also purchase them for me? I'd be willing to pay for them, I just want someone else to actually go through the checkout.
I know this seems like a lot of trouble, but really Darius and myself are great, fun loving people. And I have quite a cassette collection of adult contemporary pop that I could bring for the car ride down.
What time are you planning to leave on Sunday?
Thanks,
Roger

Bernard to Roger

Hi!

Apologies for the late reply, just got back to my computer.
That IS peculiar!

Where am I picking you up, and where am I dropping you off?
I'm actually picking up a station wagon, which is why I'll be out there; a friend checked it out and says it's a 'creampuff,' and I need an old US-made car that's cheap to repair! It's road-ready, Ian tells me; we won't break down mid way.
Just got out of a 2001 volvo in which every minor to moderate repair was $500+ guaranteed, and just rebuilding the transmission doubles the cost of the car. Sigh.

I'll be coming from:
*** S****** Dr
********, PA *****

I'll be driving to Towson, MD-- just at the top of beltway/695, where it meets with 83.
Specifically 1 ******** Ct. Towson, MD 21204 if you want to mapquest it.

I'll be leaving around 2pm-- but possibly earlier, too, towards 1pm

Feel free to bring music!
Cassettes will be good-- it's an older car :-) Maybe I'll use the money I'll be saving on the next hypothetical repair on the volvo I got rid of, and get myself a new stereo for it that takes CDs; but I won't have that on Sunday.

Obviously I can go a little out of my way to pick you up, and a little out of my way to drop you off at the hotel you're choosing, so let me know where you have in mind?
I think gas & tolls will be $60-$70; I won't be getting great fuel economy. Maybe you could cover travel costs? It's less than bus tickets.
Just to be sure, Bojangles will not soil the car? I'm not really comfortable buying the tampons but you could use one of those self checkouts at a Giant Eagle. I'm sure she's adorable, and it'll be a fun story to tell.
Do you have a number I can reach you at?
-Bernard

Roger to Bernard

St. Bernard!
Good to hear from you again. Darius is so excited to be able to attend the convention! He was up all night brushing and playing piano to Bojangles.
I'm still worried about the tampons because I'm not sure that I'll have enough diapers and gauze for the trip. Judging by her current rates, I'd estimate that we'd need to stop at least 6 times during our journey.
I guess a Giant Eagle self check-out might work, but I am still kind of worried about women seeing me and thinking I am a freak. I would feel much more comfortable if you would be a pal and do it for me. Sam's Club carries a box of 300 that should make our trip accident-free.
The convention is not far at all from Towson, so this will work out perfectly. Its in a town called Hurlock, MD and I checked a map I have and it should only be about 15 or 20 minutes out of the way.
So I have no problem at all paying for the travel costs, but only under one condition. You allow Darius and I to sit in the front seats and you would be in the back with Bojangles. She seems to take well to strangers better and she rarely nips at their fingers and ears.
I have several toys and puzzles that you could use to entertain her during the journey.
The only other request that I have is that you talk in a high pitched voice. This will help to calm Bojangles. We speak to her in baby talk and I would expect you to do the same. A few months ago Bojangles broke my father in-law's jaw after he spoke to her with his deep voice.
I know this seems like a lot, but I think it will all be worth it when you see the smile on Darius's face.
I don't have a cell phone, but you can call this number ***-***-**** which goes directly to my pager. Upon receiving your page I will locate a pay phone and call you immediately. You can usually expect to hear from me within the same day.
Thanks so much,
Roger

P.S. Darius made a picture for you that he insisted I send you. He says thank you soo much.

Bernard to Roger

Roger, I'm not sure where you 15-20 min from, but I checked mapquest and its over 2 hours out of the way. 30 min or a little more I could do it, but 2 hours is much too far. Your pager number is not working.
I'm sorry, but I won't be able to give you and Darius a ride :( Please understand. I really enjoyed his picture and he has some serious talent. :) I hope you can find other means to the convention.
-Bernard

Roger to Bernard
Bernard, you might want to call mapquest. I am using a real map and its closer than you think. Maybe your computer has a virus??
If you are just making this up because you don't want to buy 300 tampons, then I wish you would just say it. I've always been honest with you and I feel like you are lying to me.
Darius was crushed when I told him that you don't want to drive us and you don't like lambs. He was so enraged that he began smashing items in our home, so I had to sit on his legs for an hour until he calmed down.
Have fun listening to the radio on the way down. I hope your air conditioning breaks and you get four flat tires.
Have a nice life,
Roger

Bernard to Roger

I tried to be very accomodating to your situation, but your last email is nothing but lies.
I was looking forward to meeting your family and Bojangles, but now I just feel bad for your son.
HIS FATHER IS A LIAR!

Roger to Bernard

I told my son that you hate lambs and he gave me this to send to you:

Dane Lovejoy Boxing

2010-04-22T06:30:00.001-04:00

Roger to Steve

Hi,
I am only responding to your ad for boxing lessons because I want to absolutely destroy Dane Lovejoy. He's my neighbor's 19 year old son who constantly hosts rabid get-togethers in his backyard and keeps my wife and I up all night. I've tried nearly every peaceful resolution I can think of, but our quarrel has reached a level where a ruckus is unavoidable.
You may think that I'm just being an unreasonable 44 year old man, but I am quite sane and I have had enough. This past weekend, my wife was awoken at 3am to find three teenagers defecating in our bird bath and a Kia Soul parked in my front lawn. Normally, I'd called the cops, but I have priors and I'm not on speaking terms with a lot of the boys in blue.
I just want to learn some basic punches and blocking methods.
Thanks for understanding,
Roger P

Steve to Roger

Hi Roger,
We do not train people to go out be the agressors, as a matter of fact, my guys are not aloud to fight outside the gym. You need to call the boys in blue and dont let you priors stop you from doing whats right. Otherwise you will have another prior. You are more than welcome to come down and see what we are about. feel free to call me anytime!!

Steve *********
******* County Fight Club
***-***-****

Roger to Steve

Steve,
Thanks for your response, I appreciate it. I don't think you fully understand the situation. I wouldn't be the aggressor in a confrontation with this kid. I mean he's defecating in my wife's bird bath for Christ's sake. I would wait until I caught him doing it again and then strike.
The training I require would be purely for self-defense. Uppercut methods and melee attacks. I require no training in blocking, because I'm not very concerned about my own safety, I just want to be able to sit on my back porch and listen to Steely Dan without having to witness two teenagers dry-humping on my rhododendrons.
What night could I come down to see if a class is right for me?
Thanks,
Roger

Steve to Roger

Roger,
We are up there every night except for Sunday. 5pm-7pm
Beating someone up for defacating in your bird bath doesnt make it self defense but I understand why you feel like that.
Steve

Roger to Steve

Steve,
I understand that you might disagree with my self defense idea, but its really pretty simple. My wife would be my witness and side with me saying that Dane threw a brick at me.
I'm not too worried about the self defense versus assault side to this story, what I am worried about is having my face turned into mashed potatoes by Dane. He's 19, he is about 6'2 190 and he also has a 2008 Chevy Camaro with these pretty bad ass flames on the side. I mean, I hate to admit it, but this kid is the real deal. Honestly, in your professional opinion what are my chances here?
I'm 5'9 ish about 222, but I am Scotch Irish. Do you think I could train for a week at your club and get in enough body blows to make him stay off my lawn? Or do I need to try another approach?
I've already inquired about bow staff lessons at a Karate center and my friend Carl used to sell drugs and he thinks he could get steroids for me. I just don't know if I wanna take that risk with my health and life because my grapes are already closer to blueberries.
-Roger P

Steve to Roger

You're in your 40's and you are going to beat up a kid who it seems like you are jealous of. You should train to better your health, and getting in fights and using drugs isn't going to do that.
Steve

Roger to Steve (2 weeks later)

Steve! Great news man! Last night Dane was trying to show off for some girl and totaled his Camaro! He's gonna be in the hospital for weeks, maybe even months. He is still alive and breathing, but its gonna be tough for him to party in my lawn with no legs!!!!!
Thanks for everything man! I am gonna go enjoy enjoy a scotch and some UB40 on my porch.
Cheers,
Roger

Karate Lessons

2010-04-17T10:34:00.001-04:00

From Roger to Matt **********
Hi,
I feel kind of dumb e-mailing about Karate classes, but I really need to learn some take-downs and weaponry basics.
I'm 41 and I haven't had any sort of formal Karate training other than watching a few Kung-Fu movies (haha, if you count that).
What sort of class would you recommend for my age and experience level?
Gentle Tidings,
Roger

From Matt ********** to Roger

Hello,
Thank you for your interest. I teach karate and traditional okinawian weaponry, starting with the 6 ft staff. I am also a long time practioner of judo and am well versed in judo takedowns and ground work. However I do not teach any judo based takedowns in the adult karate classes. I am not opposed to teaching them on an alternate night from the karate classes but at this point I do not offer classes in judo/takedowns. The best thing I can say would be to stop down and watch a class and see if it is for you. You can take part if you wish. I offer a free month of instruction to see if it is the right fit. Classes comprise of conditioning exercises (push ups, sit ups, squats etc) mixed with kicking, punching and footwork. At some point we will also practice weaponry during class. We recommend new students to pace themselves and work into our routine slowly. There is no pressure or expectation that new students will jump right in and be familiar with our exercises. If you would like, private introductory classes can be arranged at no charge if this is a better fit. As far as a recommendation, I would say visit schools and ask questions. Early on I was concerned with what style was being taught. I have learned through experience that the instructor is much more important than the style. The quality of instruction and the feel of the dojo are what I would be paying attention to. May I ask what is motivating you to start practicing?

P.S: Here is the website for our studio. If you look at the pictures you will notice the children's class grappling. I find that children take to wrestling faster than sparring. not only are they generally more comfortable but they can grapple with much more effort than with sparring.
matt

From Roger to Matt **********
Matt,
Thanks for emailing me back. It looks like you know a lot of cool stuff about karate and fights. The classes you offer sound interesting, but I really have an interest in nun chucks and breaking boards with parts of my body. I always see this in movies and it seems like something that really impresses women. I'm a single father and at 41, I'm not getting any younger or hipper. I attend a Zumba and recreational volleyball league with a co-worker named Karen. She's 36 and is really great, but I'm not sure how she feels about me.
I don't want to end up in the friend zone, and I feel the only way to avoid that would be to impress her by breaking some boards with my forearms or head.
Do you offer any classes in body part board breaking or at the very least a nun chuck class.
I already have my own set of nun chucks so you wouldn't have to worry about providing them.
Also, I appreciate your information on the children's grappling class, but I'm 41 years and I don't need any help learning how to beat up a kid.
Thanks,
Roger P

From Matt ********** to Roger
hello,
I see little value in board braking (personal opinion). I do not teach it, and the children's grappling class is not for adults, it was just a bit of information about my dojo. We do teach the nun chucks, however, they are not taught until blue belt. There is not fixed time frame but blue belt takes 3+ years to reach.... If you want to get in shape and learn the basics of the staff, then I can help you.
I appreciate your interest. Please let me know if i can be of further assistance.
matt

From Roger to Matt ******
You see little value in absolutely destroying a 4 inch piece of maple with your forehead or palm?? Are you kidding me Matt or are you just unable to break a board?
Listen, I'll give you 40 bucks to show me how to karate chop some logs and beat someone with nunchuks. I just want to catch Karen's eye and let her husband know he has some competition.
-Roger

From Matt ******* to RogerI don't think you understand karate and its teachings. I teach karate as a method of self defense and self discipline. I will NOT teach an agressor who has intentions of harming someone else.
I offer introductory classes, which are $50 for 3 basics lessons. These lessons do not cover breaking boards or nun chucks.
matt

From Roger to Matt ********
Matt,
It sounds to me like you are running a powder puff football camp for teddy bears. Last time I checked, Bruce Lee didn't kill the bad guys and get the girl after taking a children's grappling class.
Its time you step up and be a man. I will pay you $60 to teach me to perform 3 of the following moves:
1. Break a 2 x 4 with my face
2. Kick someone really hard
3. Throw a ninja star
4. Break a man's leg (without using a hockey stick)
5. Be awesome at nun chucks
6. Stop a man's heart for a couple of seconds just by touching him gently (not in a gay way)

If you can think of any other cool things you know how to do then send me your ideas. What time can I come to your dojo?

From Matt ******** to Roger
Roger,
I DO NOT teach aggressors. The tone of your emails is a violent one. I am sorry, but I cannot train you.
Thanks for your interest and good luck,
Matt

From Roger to Matt ************
Matt,
I was just kidding around, I don't really want to break Karen's husband's femur. I was joking man.
Can you teach me please?
Cordially,
Roger
P.S. I also want to learn how to dislocate a person's hips.

Puppies!

2010-01-22T07:00:00.000-05:00

From Roger to Amy

Hi I saw you are selling golden retriever puppies and I definitely would like to get my "paws" on them. ;) I just know my son Darius would love to come downstairs one morning and find a cute little puppy sleeping on our kitchen island.
How much do you want for one?
-Roger "Paw"dacter

From Amy to Roger

I am asking $400.00
let me know if you are interested and will send pics
Amy

From Roger to Amy

Amy,
Would it be possible to have one of the dogs this Saturday afternoon?
Thanks,
Roger

From Amy to Roger

Roger...They go to the vet on Saturday for the rest of the shots and wormed. Will check with the vet. What are you looking for? male or female?

From Roger to Amy

Thanks for getting back to me Amy, actually I don't really have a preference as far as sex goes.
I only have one request really. I'm a 43 yr old single father of one beautiful boy, and I'm trying to find a mother for that boy.
Last month I joined a Zumba class in order to meet women. My first night there I met a 23 year old who works in Mount Lebanon named Lindsey. I didn't actually realize how strenuous and difficult Zumba really is, and I doubt I can make it much further. The first night, I perspired nearly a gallon of sweat, and I was so sore I missed work the next three days. But I haven't actually talked to Lindsey yet, besides asking to borrow her headband.
This leads me to you. No, I'm not talking about dating you! I hardly know you. But I think if you could let me "borrow" one of your puppies for Saturday's Zumba class, I could really impress her. After the class I would have no need for the dog, unless Lindsey decides she wants to date me.
So I would definitely need a dog for Saturday. But I might possibly purchase the dog since Lindsey would be expecting me to own it beyond Saturday. I couldn't just lie and say it got hit by a car, she would think I am an irresponsible person.
Would it be possible to give you say 25% of the cost on Saturday morning, and then if Lindsey is going to date me, I can give you the other 75%. Obviously, if she doesn't talk to me, then I would just return the dog to you Saturday after Zumba, and get back my 25%.
I know you may think I am a weirdo. Do you want me to just call you tonight so I can explain more?
Thanks,
Roger

From Amy to Roger

You are insane and should not own any pets! god help your son

From Roger to Amy

I expected you to play hard ball, so I am willing to offer you $800 for the dog. Obviously I would get this money back if Lindsey is not interested in me.

From Amy to Roger

i dont care if you offered a million. you are not getting one of the dogs whacko!

From Roger to Amy

Ok obviously you are hesitant to lend me one of the dogs in order to help my son have a better childhood. I have thought of another plan that will not require you to lend me a puppy.
On Saturday you will drive to my Zumba class in Scottdale along with the puppies. Towards the end of the Zumba class you will enter the dance studio with the puppies and motion for me to come over.
I will leave the class and we will pretend like we are talking (make sure Lindsey sees this). At this point I will pay you $40 and you can leave with the dogs.
I will then return to the class crying. Lindsey will ask me what is wrong and I will inform her that you were just struck by a drunk driver in the parking lot and killed. She will obviously feel bad for me and try to comfort my aching heart. At this point I will ask her to come to Dairy Queen with me.
After that we will most likely begin dating and eventually get married.
Obviously I would need your full name and some general information about yourself in order to write up a fake obituary to make her believe the story.
I am willing to negotiate on the $40 fee.
-Roger

From Amy to Roger

**** YOU.

Free Clown Painting

2009-12-21T04:00:00.001-05:00

ORIGINAL AD:

FREE Oil Painting

Mime Painting about 50x50
Bottom left corner reads
'76 Clista

From Dewayne Neederlander

To Brad

Good afternoon,
I was recently browsing Craigslist when I came across your oil painting which you claim is a Clista. Do you still have it?
Thank you,
Dewayne

From Brad
To Dewayne
sorry got zero responses and threw it out wednesday.

From Dewayne Neederlander

To Brad

Brad, this news is most unfortunate and I hate to be the one to break it to you. You see that particular painting was Clista's first and has an estimated auction value of over $5,000. I would have gladly given you quite a bit for it so I could display it in my gallery.

From Brad

To Dewayne Neederlander

suuuuuuuuuure idiot

From Dewayne

To Brad

Laugh all you want Brad, but I'm not the one who potentially threw away $5,000.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART 2

From Roger Podacter

To Brad

Greetings, I saw your Clista on-line. Do you still have the painting? Don't allow yourself to be ripped off for it, I will pay top dollar.

-Roger

From Brad

To Roger

what is special about this guy? it looked like a kid painted it

From Roger

To Brad

Brad,

Clista was not a guy, she was a little-known female painter who created concrete paintings using abstract methods. Did you already sell the painting? If so, I hope you got more than $3,000 AT LEAST.

-Roger

From Brad

To Roger

i threw the painting away on wednesday. where does nyds take collection from woodside 63rdst and 50ave? i still know this is jamie.

From Roger

To Brad

Brad,

Jamie? Please tell me that you didn't throw away an original Clista. The painting you have is quite valuable if it is indeed a Clista original. The "clown" painting that you described in your listing is actually Clista's first painting, which she did at the age of 7. It's not an oil painting as you state, its actually Clista's own fecal matter which she dyed and used. Hence the painting's name, "The Brown Clown".

From Brad

To Roger

**** you! i knew it

From Roger

To Brad

I GOT YOU SO BAD DUDE!!!

-JAMIE

World War 2 Collectibles

2009-12-18T04:00:00.000-05:00

From Roger Podacter
To Karl
Hi, I saw your thing on-line that you are looking to buy some WW2 stuff. My dad's father was in WW2, but we're not exactly sure where. He never did like to talk about it much. He was killed this past summer in an explosion in his garage which our local police department still hasn't figured out. We've been slowly going through his personal items the last couple months. We did find a couple boxes of old war stuff in his attic, but no one in my family is really interested that. I've been really enjoying a lot of his old pictures and hand tools.
I do have 2 pictures, but I could get more if you like. He had helmets, medals (no trophies), dog tags, a few small daggers and then some misc items (some of which I have no idea about).
I've attached the 2 pictures, when is clearly a helmet for some unit or group. The other I have no idea about, he's got about 4 of them.
Let me know how much you'd be willing to give for them. We're really just looking to get rid of them, otherwise they'll just be tossed out.
Thanks,
Roger

From Karl
To Roger
Hi Roger,
Thanks, got the photos. The helmet is a civilian police and the other item looks like a land mine, deactivated I would think.
Do you have any other photos of the other helmets and daggers? If so I'd be very interested in buying them and possibly other items.
Where are you located?

Best Regards,
Karl *******

From Roger
To Karl
A LANDMINE!?!?!? Are you sure? How do I check to make sure its deactivated? Is it worth more if its active?
I'm located in Somerset, but I could meet you halfway from wherever you are.

From Karl
To Roger
Just be very careful handling it, I need to go out for a few hours, I'll check back about 12:30.

From Roger
To Karl
Karl, is there anyway I can tell if its active? I am getting pretty nervous about this.
I called the detective who is working on my grandfather's case and informed him of the landmines. They've been looking for the source of the explosion that killed him, and this could be a viable option.
What is usual lifetime of these things? Could that be possible?
I'm just too nervous and scared, I am moving this thing outside.

From Roger
To Karl
Karl,
Please get back to me as soon as you can. My brother-in-law Dewayne is an ex-marine and is a huge weapon nutjob. He's out in the yard right now and messing around with it. Its making me quite nervous.
I doubt that the thing would still be active and thats what actually killed my grandfather, but I just don't want to take that risk.
-Roger

From Karl
To Roger
Glad it's outside, I'll try to find out what I can. Will be gone until this evening and will check back then.


From Karl
To Roger
Roger,
I hope all is well with the mine. I'm still interested in the other items you have. If you could send some photos of the other helmets and daggers and any metals that look like German I'd appreciated it.
Best Regards,
Karl ******

From Roger
To Karl
Karl,
I never should have listened to you and assumed the mine was inactive. Friday afternoon I was taking some digital photos of some of the war items to send to you, when I was startled by my grandfather's lawnmower puncturing the outer walls of my 2nd story office. My brother in-law Dewayne was attempting to determine if the land mine was active or not by having his raccoon Kevin run at it and leap onto it. On the first attempt the mine detonated and sent a small shock wave through my grandfather's lawn. A small shed, an older pick-up, part of the kitchen and living room and a weeping willow were destroyed. Kevin did not survive the blast. Dewayne was mostly fine, he's lost hearing in his right ear and had two of his legs sheared off.
Obviously none of this would have been possible without your help. (I'm being sarcastic). I'm not going to hold a grudge though, but there is no way I am selling you any of my grandfather's old war items. These are dangerous if they wind up in untrained hands. Sorry for my harsh tone, but its been a rough weekend.
-Roger

Golden Corral Buffet

2009-12-16T04:00:00.003-05:00

From Dewayne Neederlander
To Golden Corral

Good afternoon, I am currently dating a beautiful young lady whom I wish to propose to this weekend. I am planning on doing so in your restaurant and I want to make it extra special. My grandma passed away last spring, and she left me her wedding jewelry. I am planning on giving this to Christine. It includes a necklace with opal pendant, a diamond ring and 4 gold bracelets. I would like for your chef to place these items into my girlfriend's food, so it will really surprise her. I would be willing to pay your chef extra to do so. I've seen this done in movies all the time and I would really like to give her a Hollywood moment.

From Becky
To Dewayne

Thank you for contacting our Millbrook Road Raleigh Golden Corral location. We appreciate your comments and will forward them to the proper channels. You asked about our menu selections, the following link will guide you through all our delicious selections:
Golden Corral Menu Items
Thank you for contacting the Golden Corral customer service department, and have a great day!
-Becky ************

From Dewayne
To Becky
Becky,
I don't think you understood my request. I want to propose to my girlfriend Christine this weekend, and I need to set-up the perfect way to do it. I know she loves your restaurant, so I just need a chef or waitress or whoever from your restaurant to meet me before our dinner and place 5 jewelry items in her food.
Then she will find the items while eating and say "yes" to marry me.
Please respond soon,
Dewayne

From Becky
To Dewayne
Thank you for request at our Millbrook Road Raleigh Golden Corral location. We appreciate your patronage and though we strive to meet all of our customers' needs, we cannot handle a request of this nature. Our restaurant is a buffett, so we would be risking the other customer's safety by placing foreign objects into our food. Thank you for contacting the Golden Corral customer service department, and have a great day!
-Becky ************

From Dewayne
To Becky
Becky,
I don't think you're understanding me here. You need to help me, and if you aren't the one with the power please put me in contact with someone who can. Maybe a cook's phone number? Or the manager's e-mail address?
I am willing to pay extra to have the ring baked into some meatloaf, and the bracelets into onion rings. I already told her we are going to Golden Corral, so I can't change plans. But if you are unwilling to help me, then I will be forced to go with Plan B.
This involves my brother in-law Roger's son Darius. He is only 8, but is a well seasoned amateur stuntkid. He will create a diversion outside the restaurant by faking his own suicide. Once all of your patrons are outside and witnessing Darius teetering on the edge of the roof, he will quickly leap into an air duct. He will then rappel from the ceiling through the duct directly above our table. Then deliver the ring in box to Christine. At this point we will have peace and quiet and the whole restaurant to ourselves, since the majority of your customers will be outside worried about Darius.
I'd rather not risk Darius's life with Plan B, so please help me out.

From Richard
To Dewayne

We have no problem with you proposing to your girlfriend in any of our restaurants, but it is completely unacceptable for you to do it in any of the scenarios you outlined in your previous e-mails. These scenarios would all be a serious safety risk and a potential hazard to all of our staff and customers.
All of your previous e-mails have been cataloged as well as your IP address. If you have any further questions please don't hesitate to contact me at ***-***-****.
Richard ***********
Golden Corral Corporation
5151 Glenwood Ave.
Raleigh, NC 27612

Camper Wheel n' Deal

2009-12-14T05:00:00.001-05:00

From Roger Podacter
To Dan

I saw you are looking for an old junk trailer. I have an old junk trailer you can definitely have. Its about 14 or 16ft and its been sitting next to my house for about 10 years. Please come take it, this thing is an eyesore.
I'm located in Hunker, PA. If you are gonna take it you are going to need help, but I am not going to help.
Let me know if you are interested.
Roger

From Dan
To Roger

Interested-what kind of trailer is it? Camping trailor,pop-up,flat trailor?Can it be towed?If you could send a pic i would know better what i am dealing with.I hate it with all of the questions,but I live in Leechburg,so it would be a little haul to get it home. Any title? Thanks. My cell # is ***-**-****. Dan.

From Roger
To Dan

Its definitely a camping trailer. Its huge and really gets my blood boiling every morning it sits near my house. The thing has honestly been there 10 plus years and I've never even seen them use it.
I'll try and get a picture today.

From Dan
To Roger

Is it towable?

From Roger
To Dan

It definitely is and its right in the driveway. But he's got it on concrete blocks right now, and it looks like the back tire is a little flat.

From Dan
To Roger

so it's not yours?

From Roger
To Dan

well its my neighbors. but the guy is completely lazy. that thing has been sitting there forever! he probably just hasn't gotten up off his lazy ass to move it. I rarely see him doing any yardwork or home improvements. the only time I see him is when he's wife is loading him into their van.
you could probably fix this thing up and it'd be like new. you just need to make sure you come while his wife is at work or sometime late at night.
honestly, this thing is a black-eye on the neighborhood, and i know a lot of the neighbors would appreciate it.

From Dan
To Roger

I understand,but i don't think i would need any hassle . Thanks.

From Roger
To Dan

Wait Dan, just listen. If you're worried about getting caught its not really something to worry about. Ned's wife is the breadwinner and works all the time. You could easily get the trailer anytime during the day. Ned is home all day, but even if he spots you it won't matter. His driveway is stone and he is in a wheelchair.

From Dan
To Roger

Ya, but there is still the phone and the police.Thanks anyway.

From Roger
To Dan

Dan, we just need to work out the details. I didn't even think of the phone, nice catch.
Here's what we could:
1. We set-up a pre-arranged time to make the swipe. You'll need a truck with hitch and at least 2-3 helpers/henchmen.
2. We meet in my den and dress/hand-out walkie talkies. All black shirts, pants, gloves, shoes and ski caps.
3. By this point in our plan I have already installed a zip-line from my bedroom window to his house. I zip down to his house undetected and scale the roof. I then cut the phone and power lines to his house.
4. At this point you and your crew will have about 3 hours to safely remove the trailer before Ned is able to use his arms and mouth to crawl out of the house and shout for help.

A couple things:
- I will try and do some recon in the next couple days to determine if he owns a cell phone. This would be a set-back, but not a deal-breaker. In the event he has a cell phone, we'll just need one more guy to breach the front door with a battering ram, throw 2 flash bang grenades and smash the phone the moment we cut the power and phone lines.
- If at any point we are caught, you cannot mention my name or our association.

Now that we have all the bases covered with a full-proof plan I will call you around 1pm so we can set-up a date. Also, you should start gathering some men for the team.

From Dan
To Roger

Why not ask them if they would want it gone? You have someone to get rid of it for them. That would be a lot easier than your completely illegal plan.

SENT 2 DAYS LATER

From Roger
To Dan

No need for your help now. Ned died last night so the trailer will be scraped or sold soon I would imagine. He was caroling in our neighborhood when his group came to my house. My driveway is quite steep and his wheelchair couldn't handle it. He lost control and streaked down my driveway and directly into my wife's Mitsubishi Galant, crushing his skull into the passenger door.
He died on impact. The car damage was nearly $2,000 and after some haggling his wife is going to pay half. Let me know if you're still interested in the trailer, and we could develop a new plan.

Dog Trainer

2009-12-10T06:00:00.000-05:00

From: Roger

To: Gary

Hi, I saw your ad on-line for dog training services. I was wondering if you train other animals as well?

Thanks,

Roger

From: Gary

To: Roger

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately, the only animals I have certification to train are dogs. I'm assuming you have a horse that you are looking to break. I do know some collegues who break horses if you are interested.

From: Roger
To: Gary

Gary,
Thanks for your response, but I really need a fish trainer. I am planning on proposing to my girlfriend Janelle, and I really want to make it special. She loves animals, especially her goldfish Lucille. She is named after Lucille Ball, but I actually think the fish is a male, I just haven't had the heart to tell her. I'm a doctor, so I can usually tell.
I just purchased the engagement ring last week, and I'd like to propose around Christmas. I just need someone to train Lucille to hold the ring in his mouth and then jump from his tank onto Janelle's lap while we are watching Friends. Then I can pop the question.
I've been trying to save money and train the fish myself, but so far all I can get it to do is nibble the ring.
-Roger

From: Gary
To: Roger

That's the best one I've heard this week. Good Luck joker.

From: Roger

To: Gary

I am not joking Gary. I really need a fish trainer, because I love my girlfriend. E-mail me your collegues contact information. Hopefully they are nicer than you are.

From: Roger

To: Gary

Hey numbskull! You gonna e-mail those contacts over to me or what?!

From: Gary
To: Roger

You insult me and expect me to play your and send you contacts? ***hole

From: Roger

To: Gary

Gary, thanks for nothing! Thanks to you my life is in ruins. I spent the last 2 weeks working with Lucille 8 hours a day. Last night, I felt confident enough that the fish was finally ready. Janelle and I began to watch "Remember the Titans" on Blu-Ray DVD. Before she got home from work I removed the ring from its box and placed it into Lucille's mouth for safe keeping. I watched intently, and Lucille waited for the signal. Right as the brick goes through Coach Boone's window, I watched Lucille leap from the tank.

What I didn't realize was that my cat Colonel Pumpenfunkels had been scouting every training session I had with Lucille. I watched in horror as Colonel Pumpenfunkels launched himself onto the couch and snared Lucille out of the air and down his mouth. I immediately lunged for my cat who had just swallowed my girlfriend's $8,000 engagement ring, and Janelle began to tear up at the loss of her fish.

Colonel Pumpenfunkels was able to out-maneuver me, and ran out the window. I immediately chased him outside and into the neighbor's lawn. I frantically grabbed and dove trying to snag him and his $8,000 meal. Finally, I figured I had him cornered at my neighbor's fence, but he clawed his way right up the side and over the top. Unfortunately, Colonel Pumpenfunkels didn't realize that my neighbor Chris was in the process of doing some yardwork, and Colonel Pumpenfunkels fell right into an industrial wood chipper.

I was unable to find the ring, and the cat and goldfish were mince meat. I understand you aren't exactly my biggest fan right now, but I just adopted a 7 week old border collie named Horatio. I want to try the same proposal arrangement but this time using the dog. I was wondering if you would be willing to train him.

-Roger

From: Gary

To: Roger

STOP E-MAILING ME YOU SICK ****

Dolphin Adventures

2009-11-25T06:00:00.002-05:00

From Roger Podacter to Kimberly

Hi! I saw your motorhome on-line and i am very interested in giving you money so I own it. Are you the original owner?
I really would like to get a deal done sometime this weekend if possible.
-Roger

From Kimberly to Roger

No I am not the original owner. Would you like to come take a look and check it out?

Thank you,
Kimberly
321-***-****

From Roger to Kimberly

Whoa! Hold your horses Kimmy. We may be able to set something up, but I just want to make sure you're serious about selling. What are you looking to get in a trade for the motorhome? Do you enjoy outdoor activites?
Thanks,
Roger

From Kimberly to Roger

Trust me I'm serious! We have a towing business and its been in our yard for about a year now. What are you looking to trade, I'm pretty open within reason.
321-***-****

From Roger to Kimberly and Dewayne Neederlander

OK, I understand. Well basically I have a great chip to barter with you if you and your family are into the great outdoors. My brother in-law Dewayne and I have a 23 foot fishing boat and run our own small business called "Dolphin Adventures". We run outta Tampa year-round in the Gulf. All you and your family would need to do is decide when you want us to take you out and we'd provide the rest.

We run 3 hour, 6 hour, 9 hour and 3 day excursions I would be willing to offer you whatever package you want. We provide a lunch and plenty of adventure. We travel out of Tampa southwest towards whats called "The Dolphin Run". Once there we use whats called an EccoPhone to attract the dolphins. We'll also be throwing some sardines into the waters at this time. A dolphin's favorite treat!

Once we have about 6 to 10 dolphins near the vessel, we'll drop anchor and Dewayne will bring the dolphins closer by hand feeding them the sardines. Your children will be filled with excitement as real live dolphins swim close enough to touch. We provide guests we a few sardines so that they can get to say that they've fed a real live dolphin.

At this time I will equip you and each member of your family with a snorkel, diving mask and a 19 inch spear gun. If some in your party are poorer swimmers they can remain on deck, but we ask that they stay alert to others around them. Once caught, Dewayne and I will handle all of the cleaning of the dolphins as well as ensuring they are completely dead. The entire session will be well documented via DVD for your viewing enjoyment years from now.
Upon completion of the adventure we'll return to port and once there you will have the opportunity to purchase a picture package of the excursion or have any impressive catches stuffed and mounted for your living room.

Normally this package costs around $3000 for a 3 day trip, but I would be willing to offer it to you in exchange for the camper. We've surprisingly had so much success with Dolphin Adventures, that we are now looking to acquire a motor home to use for "Croc-Encounters of the Third Kind". Dewayne's friend has 50 acres in the Everglades we plan to use for guided croc hunts.

I'll call you once I'm off work to get directions to your house. Where abouts in Kissimmee are you?

-Roger

From Kimberly to Roger

A DOLPHIN HUNT?????? NO THANKS. YOU ARE MENTALLY SICK!

From Roger to Kimberly and Dewayne

Kimberly, please copy my brother-in-law Dewayne on all future e-mails. If we're going to get this deal done by this weekend we all need to be on the same page. I'll give you a conference call tonight with Dewayne on so we can hammer out the details and get your address.
Also, I'm trying to get your lunches ready for the trip; do you and your kids prefer tuna sandwiches or lunchables? I think I already know the kids will want lunchables :).

From Kimberly to Roger and Dewayne

THERE WILL BE NO DEAL. DO NOT CALL ME OR E-MAIL ME OR I WILL GO TO POLICE.

From Dewayne to Kimberly

Kimberly,
It seems like you are upset. Roger can be pushy, which is why I'm offering you the opportunity to negotiate solely with me. "Croc-Encounters of the Third Kind" is a lot closer to fruition than Roger has led on. I would be willing to take you and your family to my friend Jessup's lands in the Everglades. Just like Dolphin Adventures, each journey will include a lunch, fan boat transportation, a 12-gauge sawed-off shotgun and plenty of croc thrills. I guarantee that you or your children will at least see a croc, and if you don't kill it, I will offer to take you to an area known for Bald Eagle nests. Once there you can pay me $20 to $500 and I will kill it with the weapon of your choosing.
Please let me know if this type of excursion interests you.
-Dewayne

From Dewayne to Kimberly (sent the next day)

Kim,
I still haven't heard back from you, I'm getting worried. Did you sell the motor home to another buyer?
Since you passed up on Dolphin Adventures and Croc-Encounters of the Third Kind, they must have been offering a Porsche Cayenne full of gold bars.
Let me know,
Dewayne

From Kimberly to Dewayne

I TOLD YOU TO STOP E-MAILING ME A**HOLE

From Dewayne to Kimberly and Roger

You said that to Roger.

From Kimberly to Dewayne

STOP.

From Dewayne to Kimberly

Sorry.

From Dewayne to Kimberly

Ooops.

Tennis Racket

2009-11-23T06:00:00.003-05:00

From Roger to Cynthia

Hello. I saw your tennis racket for sale on Craigslist. My son Darius just turned 6, so its time to begin his training. Do you know the racket's model or how old it is? He's pretty particular about what I get for him and he usually wants nothing but the best. I don't want to upset him.
Thanks,
Roger

From Cynthia to Roger

Hi,
It's a Wilson hammer 25
Tension - 18-23 kj
Length - 63.5 cm
Weight - 235 grams
Head size - 645 cm2
Balance 33.5 cm
Pattern - 16x19

It's one year old, used once, no scratches and comes with a case.

Perfect for a junior learner.
Feel free to email for more details,
Cynthia

From Roger to Cynthia

Cynthia,
Thanks for your quick response and all of the information. I just want to make sure I get Darius the right racket for him to learn with. This summer I tried getting him interested in cricket and he seemed excited, but then he threw a fit because the bat I bought him wasn't the right color. He burned the bat with a bunch of his mates on the sidewalk near our apartment.
I am definitely willing to give you EUR30 for it, but I just don't want to make the same mistake again. Do you have any photos of the racket or a description of the color?
Thanks,
Roger

From Cynthia to Roger

Here’s a photo.

Good luck!

From Roger to Cynthia and Darius

Darius, Celine was nice enough to send a photo for you. Let me know if it is what you want. You can use some of the money from Uncle Peter to pay for it.
Love,
Dad

From Darius to Roger and Cynthia

dad it is cool and i want it. why do i have to use my money for it???? can u get it for me?

From Roger to Darius and Cynthia

Darius, you need to learn about the value of money. You have the money and can pay for it.

Cynthia, we'll take the racket for EUR30. Would you like me to meet you somewhere?

Thanks,
Roger

From Cynthia to Roger

I'm sure he'll love it. Call me and we can arrange.

From Darius to Cynthia

hey lady. i hate that my dad is making me spend my money for this racket. i dont want to give you 30 euros for it, because then i can't buy any video games. i will give you 5 euros.

From Cynthia to Roger

Your son contacted me, I'm sure without your knowledge, offering 5 euros for the racket. Just thought you would want to know.

From Roger to Darius and Cynthia

DARIUS! I know you want to save some of your money, but Cynthia is nice enough to offer her racket for 30 euros. We already agreed that you would pay her your 30 euros. I don't want to make you upset, so I'll chip in 10 euros so you only spend 20.
Love, Dad

From Darius to Roger and Cynthia

DAD! THIS IS MOSTLY WHY I HATE YOU!!!!!! I AM NOT SPENDING ANY OF MY MONEY! YOU ARE BUYING ME THE RACKET AND PAY Cynthia 40 EUROS!

From Roger to Cynthia and Darius

Cynthia, I was afraid this would happen. We have upset Darius and now, I will offer you 50 euros for the racket, but you have to promise to kneel before Darius during the exchange. He is quite upset and I also request that you refer to him as "Darius the Wizard".

From Cynthia to Roger and Darius

Please don't e-mail me again. Either of you.

Carpet Cleaners

2009-11-20T07:00:00.000-05:00

From Roger Podacter to Albert

Good afternoon! I just recently purchased an older home in Chavis Heights area of Raleigh. Right now its just my son Darius and I after my recent divorce, but I've been getting closer to finding Darius a mother. I've sent a few messages on Match.com and remain hopeful about my chances.
Anyways, I got quite a deal on an absolutely adorable house, so I have some extra cash I'd like to spend on improvements. One of the major improvements I need to do immediately is clean/replace the carpets. I've been trying to get some estimates and have even had a few companies come to the house, but so far I haven't got any offers.
What are your normal rates? The house is approximately 2,200 sq. ft.
Thanks,
Roger

From Albert to Roger

Yes I will give you my special. Doing a replace is much more cost effective than a new install. please call me @ 919-***-****

From Roger to Albert

Albert,
Thanks for your quick response. It is great to hear that you are willing to help my son and I.
The main area of carpet effected is the bedroom and den, but there are also spotty areas in the hallways, my office, a smaller bedroom and the living and dining rooms.
Altogether about 650 sq ft of carpet. Any idea on what the cost of cleaning would be? I just wonder if the damage is so extensive that it makes sense to just replace it. Thanks again soo much, all of the other companies said they are ill equipped or simply refused to handle so much blood.
-Roger

From Albert to Roger
So much blood? I have done biohazard clean-up a few times before. I would be able to do the job today. give me a call 919-***-****

From Roger to Albert

Albert,
Thanks again for your quick response. Unfortunately, I won't be home today to let you into the house, and I appreciate your enthusiasm. But I feel that you should first come to look at the house and then decide if you wish to help me out or not. I wasn't entirely honest in my previous e-mails.
Well, I was honest, but I did not go into detail on the cause of the my carpet problems.
I got such a good deal on the home, because it was a former front for drug trade and 2 people were murdered at the residence. I'm not talking about cyanide poisoning murder or choking on a ham sandwich murder. We are talking I'm hungry for Bit-O-Honey's, I found a stick and I'm using your head as a pinata murder. They never found the murder weapon, but the word bludgeon was used, and that was all I cared to here.
I always thought that the police or someone involved in the investigation cleaned up these scenes, but apparently not.
I just felt I had to be honest with you,
Roger

From Albert to Roger

Roger It sounds like the house just needs some TLC and the Lord's blessings. It should really be no problem no job too big or too small. If you could let me know when or what time do you need me to come and give you a estimate? I can show the cost advantages of repair over replace.

From Roger to Albert

Albert, sorry for my delay in response, but I spent nearly 4 hours last night looking over the carpet and debating on whether to simply have it cleaned or just replace it.
Do you have previous experience removing heavy blood stains? I just worry, because the drug dealers bodies were not discovered until after about 12 days. This allowed for heavy pooling. The carpet is quite light and of the shag variety.
I was thinking about just calling a flooring company and having them remove it tonight.
What are your thoughts?
-Roger
P.S. Sorry I'm being so indecisive.

From Albert to Roger

Roger,
My rates are very reasonable. Your carpet may look bad but I am sure that we can get it looking brand new. Replacing carpet can be costly but its your call. Call me.

From Roger to Albert

I never should have listened to you Albert! I should have just called the flooring company in Raleigh and had them come out immediately to replace it. Last night I was awoken by the sounds of Darius screaming like a banshee. I darted from my bed and witnessed my own 62 pound son floating over the stairwell. Upon closer inspection I could make out the outline of a large demon holding him by his Dora the Explorer underpants. I immediately reached for my EPV meter to get a reading of the demon's strength, but it was nowhere to be found! In its place was the shell-less body of Mister McGillicuddy, Darius's 6 year old box turtle. He looked terrified.
Without knowing the demon's strength I was forced to remove my clothing and cover my entire body in aluminum foil to shield myself from being penetrated and possesed by the demon. I was able to knock the wind out of the demon with a swift elbow to his groin. Unfortunately, he dropped Darius down the flight of stairs. We immediately evacuated the house and spent last night in a local Holiday Inn.
Because of you my son was nearly killed by a demon, and now that demon owns the deed to our home. I left your phone number on top of the glass case over my beanie baby collection, so hopefully the demon will be contacting you soon. Hopefully your equipment can cleanse your soul.

Pet Sitting Service

2009-11-18T01:00:00.001-05:00

From Roger Podacter to Katie

Hi, I saw your ad that you offer a pet sitting service and I am definitely interested. I have a ten year border collie named Michael who is as cute as a baby, but as annoying as a baby. Basically, I can rarely get anything done around the house without Michael wanting me to pet him, throw a ball to him or feed him. Don't get me wrong, I love my dog, but he is constantly bugging me.

For instance, last night I was trying to watch season 2 of Heroes and Michael is nudging my hand with his snout and begging for food. I could barely watch the show.I am missing out on a lot that life has to offer and I just need a hand. How much are your rates normally?
-Roger

From Katie to Roger

Hi Roger,

Thank you for contacting me. WoW!! You definitely have a furry problem. Do you work outside the house? I'm wondering if Michael is left alone all day while you are out of the house? If so,this is part of his problem you might want to start home visits to keep him company for an hour or two.

My fee for a home visit is $24.00 for an hour, he would get all the attention he needs.

How much time do you spend with him a day? Look forward to meeting Michael! Katie

From Roger to Katie

Katie, $24/hr is kinda pricey. How much would it be for you to come out to the house and pet Michael while I watch Home Improvement and surf the internet? All you would need to do is sit in my living room and pet him while Darren and I watch some TV and maybe order a pizza. Probably from 5pm to Midnight Monday thru Friday.
Thanks, Roger

From Katie to Roger

Roger, WoW! I already have a few clients so I doubt I'd be able to help you out 35 hours a week. Have you thought of doggie day care? There are a lot of great facilities in the area that could care for Michael while you are at work.

I'm really sorry. I would be willing to come to your home during the week a couple days to keep Michael company while you are at work.

From Roger to Katie

Michael is really getting on my nerves today and on Darren's. Darren is my brother-in-law, well not technically, since I'm divorced, but Darren lives with me. He's been out of work since July and lost his license. Usually he watches Michael during the day, but he normally wakes up about an hour before I get home from work, so he's not very useful.

I'd really rather not have you come to the house during the day, because Darren is a registered sex offender, even though it was over 10 years ago and he was 18 and she was 15. $24/hr is kind of expensive for you to come out while I'm at work, but like I said, you can come while I am home. That is when Michael bothers me most.

Ramada Inn

2009-11-16T01:00:00.005-05:00

Roger Podacter
To: The Ramada Inn Providence, Rhode Island

Good afternoon,
I was in Providence earlier this week giving a lecture and demonstration at the Roger Williams Medical Center and I stayed at your hotel. My stay was very pleasant, but I had to leave in a hurry this yesterday morning.

I got a call from my mother informing me that my wife had gone into labor. I had to cancel my morning appointments for the day and rushed out of the hotel to make the 3 hour drive back to New York. Well, I'm sorry to say but I think I may have left one of my exhibits in the room. It is a human hand. Its an adult white male's and was in a formaldehyde jar.

You probably think I am kidding around, but I can't for the life of me think of how I wouldn't have noticed it. It may have rolled out of my bag and under the bed or something.
If you could please send someone to the room to retrieve it, I would really appreciate it. I'll be back in Providence next week and could pick it up then.
Thank you,
Dr. Roger Podacter M.D.

Dewayne Neederlander
To: The Ramada Inn Providence, Rhode Island

I don't know if this is some kind of Halloween joke or something, but I just found a human hand in my room! When I first checked in the room smelled kind of funny and while unpacking my things I noticed a small stain on the carpet under the bed. When I took a closer look I found it was a broken glass jar with a human hand under the bed!! I nearly vomited.

I didn't really check it to see if it was real or not, I would assume it was fake. I picked it up with a bag and threw it away in the lobby on my way out the door this morning.

That is a pretty clever prank, probably set-up by one of your maid staff, but I don't know if everyone would find it funny.

I thought it was quite funny and I'll definitely be staying with you guys again.
Thanks,
Dewayne Neederlander

Jason (Ramada Inn Service)
To: Dewayne Neederlander

We'd like to further investigate your incident with the room, but we have no record of you staying with us Mr. Neederlander.
What room was this incident in?

Thank you,
Jason

Dewayne Neederlander
To: Jason

Thanks for your response Jason. I actually don't recall what room I was staying in, at the time of the incident I was quite inebriated after taking some LSD with my manager and a couple elves. I am positive the room was on the 2nd floor, because I remember climbing a rainbow to reach my bed.

It makes sense that you don't have a record of a Dewayne Neederlander staying at your hotel, because I always travel under pseudonyms because of my high profile status. My name is Robin Williams. I was in Mrs. Doubtfire and Jack where I played a young boy who aged rapidly. The movie ultimately and expectantly ended with me dying while all my closest friends were just starting with acne and wet dreams.

14FT Box Truck Available for Hauling

2009-11-11T17:00:00.004-05:00

Dewayne Neederlander
To: Byron

Hi, I live about 20 minutes from you, and I'm definitely interested in hiring you to move some things of mine with your box truck.
I'm glad I found your ad because normally I just have to take my chances and burn all of my leftovers every fall to prepare for the
winter season.

Bryon
To: Dewayne Neederlander

My dad is the one who does it his name is frank and yea we should be able to help you out.
what kind of stuff do you need us to haul?
call me at ***-***-****.

Dewayne Neederlander
To: Byron

Byron, Thanks for you quick response.
I run a small taxidermy business from my home, and I'd like to hire you to move-out all my "leftovers" from this season.

This is exactly how it sounds. I have everything; deer legs, dog torsos, horse rib cages, etc. I have been trying to keep most of the items frozen to hide the smell, but my ice box was full in late July, so I've just been storing everything in shopping bags in my frig.

It should take about an hour to load all the pieces, and I've drained the majority of the blood into some mason jars which we can transport easily.

We'll just need to find a place to dump all of this stuff, because if we do it too close to a populated area it will attract bears.

I'm thinking we could find somewhere to do it near Cooks Forest state park. Does the truck have good tires?

Thanks,
Dewayne

HALLOWEEN SPOOK-TACULAR

2009-10-30T05:43:00.002-04:00

Roger Podacter
To: Chuck E. Cares

Good Afternoon,
I was just curious if it would be possible to hold my son Darius's Halloween party at your Monroeville Chuckie Cheese this coming Saturday.
I see that your web-site accommodates "Birthday" party reservations, but this does not fall under that category. I just need to know if you'd be capable of hosting an event like this.
Thank you,
Roger

Chuck E. Cares
To: Roger Podacter

Dear Guest:

You are more than welcome to do a Walk In party where the seating is unreserved and on a first come first serve basis and order from the menu. Otherwise, the only parties we hold on the weekends are for Birthdays.

Thank you for choosing Chuck E. Cheese's and have a MAGICAL day!

Sincerely,
Cares

Roger Podacter
To: Chuck E. Cares

Thanks for replying to my email so quickly. I am just making sure it would be OK to host Darius and his friends for a Halloween party. He is 7, and so excited about Halloween this year. He's at that age where he wants it to be really scary. Being a single father, I just want to make sure this year is special for him.
Basically here are my ideas for the party, and I just want to make sure Chuckie Cheese is ok with them:
We arrive around 5pm in full costume. I will be dressed as a kitten and ready to purr. First thing we'll feed all the kids some pizza and pop, Darius has invited 60 classmates. After eating I'll let the kids go to town on the games by purchasing $30 worth of tokens for each kid. Mid-way through their playing, I plan on really getting the Halloween spooks going.
I will need the help of the Chuckie Cheese manager on duty, because at 7pm we plan on killing all the lights. A slow thumping kick drum rolls like a train as the children scramble around in the darkness (I will be playing the drum). Thick fog fills the restaurant as one of your employees releases a bag of live bats I have brought into the store (they are all tame). Next my brother-in-law Gerry bursts into the restaurant with his face covered in blood (fake) and his arms wielding a gas-powered chainsaw (real). He quickly saws a few bats in two and performs several chain saw stunts on the Chuckie Cheese band stage. As Gerry is finishing up, my best friend Dewayne Neederlander who is an amateur stunt man, will go streaking through your restaurant fully engulfed in flames.
After this, the lights will come back on and the children will bob for apples in an apple cider barrel near the ball pit. Then I will perform a fake-exorcism on one of the children, give treat bags and send the kids packing with their parents.
I understand that you say Chuckie Cheese is first-come first serve, but I just wanted to make sure you were aware of some of the party activities I had planned. What time does your restaurant close on Saturdays? I planned on really scaring one of the kids by "accidentally" leaving him in the restaurant after closing.
-Roger

Chuck E. Cares
To: Roger Podacter

Dear Guest:
Unfortunately, this is totally unacceptable and you will not be allowed to hold a party in chuckecheese of this nature.

Roger Podacter
To: Chuck E. Cares

Cares,
I have to say I am a little disappointed by your response. I was under the impression that Chuckie Cheese had an open-door policy for parties. I am just curious as to why I would not be able to host my son Darius's Halloween party at your Monroeville restaurant?
I am willing to make changes as needed, I am just a single dad trying his best to make his son's Halloween a memorable one.
I look forward to your response.

Chuck E. Cares
To: Roger Podacter

Dear Guest:

You are more than welcome to have your Halloween party for your son. The children are welcome to dress in costume & you can hand out your treat bags. Unfortunately, adults are not able to dress up and there is no outside entertainment allowed.
You would not be able to do any of the scary events as you listed in your previous message. We are open to the public and have to consider everyone. That is why we do not allow outside entertainment. Any party you choose to have would have to be under Chuck E. Cheese guidelines.

Roger Podacter
To: Chuck E. Cares

Thank you for your quick response once again. I appreciate the great customer service I have received so far, and I feel we are on our way to ironing out all the details of Darius's halloween party. I understand that you don't want to allow outside entertainment, because you already offer a full stage band with Chuckie and his All-Stars. My brother-in-law Gerry is not an entertainer, he actually is a car salesman/pediatrician. But, I will tell him to leave the chainsaw and costume at home. And obviously Dewayne is an amateur stuntman who is capable of performing stunts at any time, so he is kind of outside entertainment. Does this mean he is not permitted to come at all?
The one thing I don't understand is that you don't allow adults to dress up. Darius is going as a tabby cat and I was going to be his Tabby baby brother. There's no exception you can make? If not, I am willing to simply wear a small hat and leotards and go as Peter Pan. This way if any of your other customers are offended I can easily remove the hat and appear to be in street clothes.
Ok, I think we both agree that the fog machine and chainsaw are unreasonable, but what about the mock exorcism?
Also, would it be possible for one of your employees to kill the lights momentarily so I can screech loudly to create a spooky effect? This wouldn't be for just my party, but I'm sure the other guests would appreciate the scare because of the season.
Thank you.

Chuck E. Cares
To: Roger Podacter

Dear Guest:

In regards to your notation...We apologize for the inconvenience but we are unable to meet your requests. We have a strict policy of no adults in any costumes. Your friend who is an entertainer is permitted in the restaurant, but he is at no time permitted to perform any "stunts".

If you would like to discuss this matter further please provide us with your telephone number so we may have our legal department contact you.

Any further e-mails will be forwarded to our legal department for processing and documentation.

Pog Collectors

2009-10-29T06:02:00.002-04:00

Wed 4:45pm
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Marc

Hi, I see you are giving away your pog collection on Craigslist for free. I am an avid collector myself and was quite surprised when I noticed you were giving away your collection which you say includes Disney, Charlie Brown, X-men, Burger King, Power Ranger, Gargoyle, Cookie Crisp, Jurassic Park, a saw blade shaped slammer and various other pogs.
I am definitely interested and would be willing to take them off your hands for you.
Let me know where you are located so I can pick them up tonight.

Wed 5:02 pm
FROM: Dewayne Neederlander
TO: Marc

I saw your pogs on-line. What is the year of the saw blade shaped slammer? Is it older than 1995? I am definitely interested, what is your location?
-D-WAY

Wed 6:14 pm
FROM: Marc (Seller)
TO: Roger

hello i had another person email me but u were the first. i am located at **********************. I won't be home tonight, but you could stop over anytime after 5pm tomorrow.
call me ***-***-*****

Wed 6:20pm
FROM: Marc (seller)
TO: Dewayne

sorry someone else already emailed me before you about the pogs.
thanks
Wed 6:50pm
FROM: Dewayne
TO: Marc (seller)

Marc, I will give you $40 for your collection if the saw blade slammer is older than 1996.
-D-WAY

Wed 7:20pm
FROM: Roger
TO: Marc (seller)

Great! That is great news Marc, thanks a lot for helping me out. My son Darius and I have been collecting pogs together since he first got sick when he was 4. His health has had ups and downs the past 6 years, but the our bond with pogs has kept us together.
I'll call you after work tomorrow and I can pick them up. I'll also bringing a picture that Darius drew since he won't be able to make it out of the hospital for tomorrow.
CYA THEN :)

Wed 8:03pm
FROM: Marc (seller)
TO: Dewayne
$40? why do u want to pay $40 for pogs? the slammer says 1995 but i dont get why it matters. are you serious?

Wed 8:10pm
FROM: Dewayne
TO: Marc (seller)

I am dead serious. $40. You have until midnight.

Wed 8:30pm
FROM: Marc (seller)
TO: Roger

Roger,
Its nice to hear about you and your son and I hope he gets better. But I made a mistake and I didn't see that another email came in before yours. And he offered me $40.
I'm real sorry, but I think I have to take it to be fair to him.
Thanks for understanding.

Wed 8:45pm
FROM: Marc (seller)
TO: Dewayne

I'll definitely sell you the collection for $40. i am located at **********************. You can stop over anytime after 5pm tomorrow.
call me ***-***-*****

Wed 10:03pm
FROM: Roger
TO: Marc (seller)
$40!? Well, I think if you are accepting cash offers then it shouldn't be first come, first serve. I really enjoy the time I spend with my son. What year is the saw blade shaped slammer?

Thur 9:43am
FROM: Marc (seller)
TO: Roger

what is good about the slammer? the label says 1995. i dont know if i could go back on the deal i already accepted. what r u offering? please tell me before around 2.

Thur 10:06am
FROM: Roger
TO: Marc

Marc,
I am prepared to offer you $500 cash, and yes i didn't accidentally hit the zero key another time. That is five-hundred dollars cash. But we need to to deal by 7pm tonight.
Get back to me ASAP.

Thur 10:47am
FROM: Marc (seller)
TO: Roger

i have a hard time believing u. why is the slammer so valuable? call me ***-***-****

Thur 11:23am
FROM: Roger
TO: Marc (seller)

Sorry Marc, I'm at work right now and unable to call, but I swear on my son's life that my offer of $500 is legitimate. The particular saw blade slammer you have was never meant to be released. Saw blade slammers were only used up until late 1995 until the UPC (United Pog Commission) outlawed them from tournament play. Let's get this deal done today.

Thur 11:52am
(At this point he is probably having trouble containing his excitement)
FROM: Marc
BCC: Roger and Dewayne

I bcc'd both of you bidders on this email and i just want for you to send final offers because its too hard to bid on email. the best i got so far has been $500 which I am shocked about.
send your best offer before 5.

Thur 1:03pm
FROM: Roger
TO: Marc (Seller)

My final offer is $601. Let's make this work for my son Darius.

Thur 2:41pm
FROM: Dewayne
TO: Marc (Seller)

Whatever the other guy offers, add $300 to my bid. It will be worth your while.
-D-WAY

Thur 4:18pm
FROM: Marc (Seller)
TO: Roger

Roger i'm sorry but the other bidder was higher. thanks for bidding and i hope your son feels better.

Thur 4:22pm
FROM: Marc (Seller)
TO: Dewayne

u had the highest bid. do u still have my address? i will be home all night tonight after 5.
call me asap ***-***-****

Thur 4:28pm
FROM: Alouicious Jeffries
TO: Marc (Seller)

We have reason to believe that you've been involved in the sale of illegal slammers over the internet. Our sources have been tracking known offenders and UPF players Dewayne Neederlander and Roger Podacter, and we have reason to believe you've been in contact with them over the past few days.
Please terminate all contact with these two individuals, and we also ask that you immediately destroy the slammer. We'll be sending an agent to your house this evening to ensure that the slammer has been destroyed.

Thank you and sorry for the alarm,
Alouicious Jeffries
President
United Pog Federation
President

Portable Toilet

2009-10-28T06:27:00.000-04:00

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Hi. I saw your ad for the adult portable toilet. How much are you looking to get for it?
I was wondering how strong it is or how much weight it can hold?
Also, what is relative capacity of the toilet?
I am moving across country to Sacremento and I'm taking my dad with me. I have a large Astro van which we'll most likely be living out of for the next 2 weeks.
Thanks,
Roger

FROM: Drew
TO: Roger

Im asking $25cash. I dont know for sure but it looks to be strong it has a metal adjustable frame to it doesnt look to be cheap made

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Thanks for the response, I am just apprehensive about purchasing this toilet if it won't be able to handle his 250 pound frame. My father is quite a load and he produces quite a load... The main reason we need this portable toilet is because he suffers from colitis and Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and I don't feel like pulling over every 20 minutes during a cross-country trek. Basically anytime he has a meal or has been sitting for more than 30 minutes his body produces insane amounts of gas which can be quite cumbersome on his colon and the nostrils of those around him.
I plan on simply removing my passenger seat and replacing it with your portable toilet. It would be much more comfortable for myself and for my father. The only thing I need to know from you is if I would somehow be able to rig the seat belt up to it. The last thing I would want is for myself to round a bend and hit a deer at 60mph, launching my father and the projections of his colon through the windshield.
Basically, I just need to be reassured that this toilet will be able to handle my father.
FROM: Roger TO: Drew

Any chance I could possible get the toilet sometime this week? I am moving Friday and I have to pick up my dad on Thursday because I didn't pay for this month's fees at his retirement home.
Also, what are you looking to get for the toilet? I could just give you the $25 or we could make a trade?
Thanks

FROM: Drew
TO: Roger

Asking $25 And you can come get it anytime, Where are you located

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Thanks for getting back to me so soon. I have no problem paying you $25 to ensure that my van's interior stays dry and white.
The only snag is that my brother Carl was going to be helping me load my dad into my van for the trip, and now he can't. Because of a restraining order, he's not allowed within 100 yards of his ex-girlfriend who lives at the old folks home. Yeah, I know its really weird, but he is into older women, but they she dumped him because he hit her in the face with a rake.

So basically I need someone to help load my dad into the back of my van. It would only take about 2-3 hours and we'd mostly be wheeling him from his room to the parking lot, then carrying him from his bed into a hammock I rigged up in the back of my van. He's been bed-ridden for about 5 weeks, so we'd just have to be careful lifting him to ensure we don't tear open his bed sores.

I live in Castle Shannon, but the old folks home is in Mount Pleasant. I'd be willing to pay you $20 more, so that bumps the total package up to $45. What hours are you normally available? The sooner we can pick him up the better, because they have been calling me non-stop about paying his bill for this month. I am available anytime as I am currently unemployed. Just e-mail me your number soon so I can call you, it'll be easier to set-up times.

FROM: Drew
TO: Roger

Sorry nothing I can do to help

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

I had a feeling you wouldn't be interested at first. Luckily I talked with my dad and worked something out. After my mother died, my father revealed to my brother and me a small shelter beneath the front porch where he hid various valuables, in case mom ever left him from Juan Luis (a young puerto rican neighbor of my parents since 88).
I am willing to offer you the $45 as well as an opportunity to select 3 items from my father's hidden items. The items are mostly in great condition from being stored so well. They range from a Playboy collection 1980-84 (missing 81-83) and several reels of family film. One of which contains the birth of my brother or myself, my dad couldn't remember. There are also some fireworks and a case of beer.
Obviously these items may not seem valuable to you, so just in case I am willing to offer you $10 more. This bring the total payment for the toilet to $55.
I know it may seem like I am giving up a lot just for a stupid toilet, but I really need this thing and a hand loading my dad into the van.
Please let me know

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Sorry I told you I cant I have arthritis

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Oh, I'm sorry to hear you have arthritis, but I don't see why you can't help me out.
Surely you have a friend or someone who could help me, and I need that toilet. My dad has to be out of the home by 3:30pm on Thursday! I am willing to pay you $50 for the toilet, and then $15 to whoever will be helping load my dad.
THAT'S $65 FOR A TOILET!

FROM: Drew
TO: Roger

Listen, I definitely don't want to help "load" your smelly old dad into your van. And I doubt you will find anyone that will for the money you are offering. I like to help people too but I'm not a charity.
I will sell you the toilet for $25 and thats it. PLEASE DO NOT E-MAIL ME IF YOU AREN'T INTERESTED IN JUST BUYING IT FOR $25.

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Alright, I think I have worked out the details. My cousin Randall just won a huge settlement after he found a finger in his soup at Eat n' Park. He used some of the money to buy a house in Stuebenville, OH, and he hired a moving company to take all his stuff there. He thinks there will be enough room to fit my dad. This way you would never have to help me move my dad from his home.
Unfortunately I'll be helping Randall all week until I leave, so I can't travel too far to meet you. Would you be able to meet me somewhere?

FROM: Drew
TO: Roger

i'd be willing to meet you anywhere within 25 minutes of Baldwin. when do you have to leave?

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Drew, let's just meet at the **************** Retirement Community in Mount Pleasant at 3:30pm tomorrow. I'll bring the $25 and you should bring the toilet and comfortable sneakers. Maybe a dolly and some lifting straps too, I'm not sure how heavy that toilet is and you might need a hand unloading it.
I'll cya then !

FROM: Drew
TO: Roger

I am not helping to load your father! Go to hell!!!

Accordions for Sale

2009-10-26T00:01:00.001-04:00

Roger Podacter:

Hi, I saw you're looking to trade your accordions for some guns. I am definitely interested, but are you only looking for guns or do you just want weapons of any kind?
Thanks,
Roger

B:

I'M PARTAL TO GUNS BUT, I'M OPEN TO ANYTHING, WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

Roger Podacter:

Sorry for my delay in response, I'm currently in prison on DUI charges so my internet access is limited. Some system this is huh?

Anyway, I'll be out on the 21st of November and I am definitely interested in your accordions. I'm looking to turn my life around and I think playing the accordion is the way to do it. I don't have any guns (wink). But I have other weapons that I would be willing to trade for the accordions.

I spent 6 months in Fallujah during Desert Storm working with the a unit that was basically in charge of explosives and detonations. During that time I became familiar with GBFEL's and NPB's (Ground Based Free Electron Lasers and Neutral Particle Beams). These are basically high energy lasers which are designed to neutralize ballistic missiles. Unfortunately, these units were not very widely used or popular. These babies hog quite a lot of power and that kind of juice was hard to come by in the deserts of Iraq.

Anyways, after the war I was able to acquire a NPB through an old college buddy of mine at a relatively low cost. Obviously, you understand that this type of technology is older and partly unstable which makes it extremely dangerous. Since I've had the particle beam I've only used it twice. When I initially acquired it I took it on a quail hunt with my brother-in-law T.J. When I first turned on the unit we pretty much vaporized a 50 yard area within line with the beam. We immediately powered down the unit. The only other time I used it was during a stag party at my old house in Penn Hills. We were shotgunning bottles of Old Grandad, when my uncle Jack passed out and accidentally turned on the device. My friend Darren received third degree burns and had his arm partially sheared off from the particle beam.

I think you now understand the danger, but also the enjoyment that this NPB has to offer. Please send me your cell number so we can arrange a time to meet. The best time and place for our deal would be under the cover of darkness and in a heavily rural area.

Look forward to playing the accordions,
Roger

Job: Stunt Driver Needed

2009-10-23T05:49:00.002-04:00

October 8
Roger Podacter:

Good Morning,
I just wanted to formally apply my son for your stunt driver position posted on Craigslist. I see that you are looking for a "professional" stunt driver. Although my son is not a "professional" stunt driver, he has the experience, technical knowledge and pizazz of a professional. He has been involved in 17 amateur stunt videos (1 of which was featured on America's Funniest Home Videos) and 1 made for TV movie. His main areas of stunt expertise are:
Horse stunts
Bow staff fights
Grenade tricks
Somersaults
Razor scooter jumps
Holding breath for a long time
Etc
Please do not hesitate to contact me with questions or if you'd like some references or videos of his work.

I look forward to hearing from you,
Roger

October 9
FROM: Valerie
TO: Roger Podacter

Thank you for your interest. It seems that your son has quite a lot of experience, what we would need for our shoot isn't nearly as dangerous. The stunt involves a barrel roll with a small car.
Are you your son's manager? We'd like to deal with him directly if possible.
Our rates are set at $42/hr and the work would most likely be over a 2-3 day period.
Please have your son submit a resume and references.

Thank you,
Valerie ***********

October 12
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie

Valerie,
Thank you for your prompt response. I see you want to deal with Darius directly, and I can understand that.
Sometimes as a father its tough to take off the training wheels. I've informed my son Darius of your interest in his services and he should be contacting you soon.
Thank you,
Roger

October 12
FROM: Darius Podacter
TO: Valerie

hey my dad told me u want to have me do a car stunt and i want to do it for sure.
-Darius

October 13
From:Valerie
To: Darius

Please send your resume ASAP. I also need references. We've had a hard time finding qualified canidates, so please provide solid references.

October 14
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie
CC: Darius

Valerie,
Darius told me you e-mailed him two days ago. You never copied me on the e-mail, please do so in all future correspondence.
He may be the stuntman, but I'm still his father.

October 14
FROM: Darius
TO: Valerie, Roger

hey i think my dad is mad about ur email to me, hes mad at me too. he wants us to keep his email on the emails too. i can do the car stunt for sure and i think it would be cool if i was on fire while i did the stunt. this is my resume:
i can juggle good
i can do somesaults
i can throw a knife and a sword
i am a green belt
i can do skateboard tricks
i can fake throw-up
i can throw-up for real

i can do more stunts too. when do u want me to crash the car? i can only do it on the weekends or after school on the week and my bedtime is at 9.

-darius

October 14
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie
CC: Darius

Valerie,
I think my son was confused as to which resume you wanted, he's been busy with school (Master's degree). I will get a resume to you by the end of the day today.
Sorry for the inconvience,
Roger

October 14
FROM: Valerie
TO: Roger

I don't think we're interested. Thank you.

October 16
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie

Valerie,
I don't understand your sudden loss of interest? I was unable to send out Darius's resume the other day because we were practicing stunts and had an accident. We were trying out war movie stunts when Darius accidently ingested some mustard gas and lost control of his dirt bike, crashing it into my amateur chemistry laboratory. I was unable to get to my laptop because a massive chemical fire engulfed our home.
Thankfully Darius is going to be fine and can still shoot the car stunt for your film. I've been training Darius as a stuntman since he was 4 years old and now in 2009 he's one of the most gifted 12 year old stuntman in the business.
Please let me know your decision,
Roger

October 19
FROM: Darius Podacter
TO: Valerie

hey girl r u going to let me do the car stunt or not? and u never said if u liked my idea for me to be on fire for the stunt.
my dad promised me u were going to pay me.
-darius
October 20
FROM: Valerie
TO: Roger

You have your little 12 year old boy perform stunts!? I can't even begin to explain how disgusting you are as a parent.
Please do not e-mail me again.

October 21
FROM: Darius Podacter
TO: Valerie

Hey Valerie, its me Darius. I'm not really 12 years old, I'm 18, my dad was just joking around. I hope you are not too upset.
I am very interested in helping you out and doing the car stunt. Please contact me soon and we can arrange a meeting time.
And I know you may not like my dad, but he will have to be there for the meeting because my motorcycle is in the shop so he will be driving me to the meeting. I'll have my dad fax my birth certificate so you know I'm 18.
I do look like I am twelve and talk like I am twelve, but I am definitely not 12. I am 18.

October 21
FROM: Valerie
TO: Roger, Darius

STOP. EMAILING. ME. YOU CHILD ABUSER. I SERIOUSLY HOPE THIS IS A JOKE.

October 22
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie

Valerie,
I'm not a child abuser, my son is 18. But even if he was 12, wouldn't it be kind of cool? My son being a world class stuntman at 12 years old!? Oh, and I love how you assume its child abuse.
Is it child abuse that my son made over $120,000 last year performing stunts??
Is it child abuse that he successfully skiied into a tree at 40mph for last year's Vern Troyer project on the life of Sonny Bono??
Is it child abuse that at the age of 9 he engulfed himself in flames for the movie "Sunnyville: Sun Colony 2045"?
Is it child abuse that he rode an adult siberian tiger for the film adaptation of "Thundercats"?
Is it child abuse that he took a cannonball to the chest for a Mead college-ruled paper commercial?
NO! It's not.
I have been a great father and I'll I'm trying to do is get my son what he deserves.
He is honestly 18. We were just having some fun. Where should I send the resume?
-Roger

Position: Picker Needed

2009-10-22T05:49:00.001-04:00

Thu, Oct 8 Roger Podacter:

Good morning,
I saw your Picker position posted on-line, and I was just curious what exactly I would be "picking"?
I am 44 years old, strong as a full grown eagle and have a clean bill of health. I don't drink or smoke meth and I rarely eat out.
Thanks in advance,
Roger

Wed, Oct 14 Linda:

Roger, you would be picking mushrooms. Please give me a call @ 412-***-****.
Thank you,
Linda **********

Fri, Oct 16 Roger Podacter:
Thank you for your response. My previous experience as a picker has only been with corn and one season of apples.
Would this experience be enough to be considered for the position?
Should I send my resume to this e-mail address?
I can't call you right now because my dumb dad used all the month's minutes on our Cricket plan. I do have 3 texts left, so I could text you my resume. Would that work?
Thank you,
Roger

Mon, Oct 19 Linda:

Yes your experience would be fine, but we have had a change in orders. This is not an immediate need at the moment.
You can still send your resume because we have other companies we supply, but please just e-mail it.
Thanks, Linda

Mon, Oct 19 Roger Podacter:

Linda,
Great to hear back from you. I just came inside to take a break from my flock and I was delighted to find your e-mail.
I am somewhat disappointed to see that the picker position is no longer available, but I am excited by your mention of future opportunities.

Here is some basic information about myself:

Name: Roger Podacter
Age: 44
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 198lbs

Current Employment: I have been my own boss for the last 6 months and I am responsible for over 100 employees. I am currently a shepherd in Cambria County Pennsylvania and I tend to a flock of 96 sheep and 5 llamas. I have excellent leadership skills and have only lost one ewe to an animal attack. One evening I biked into town to get some cereal, and when I returned I encountered a full grown bear mauling a 2 year old named Jazzy. This job has given me experience riding horses, mules and llamas. I also am quite handy with a staff and hunting knife.

Previous Employment:
(November 10, 2008 - February 15, 2009)
Last Winter I was employed by Picko's Video Rentals/Veterinary Services located in Nanty Glo, PA. My job mostly required me to ensure tapes were rewound, movies made their way to the correct genre and that all dogs/cats were completely neutered/spayed. I was laid off/fired when my dad got tuberculosis and I was unable to get a ride to work.
During this time I joined a pyramid scheme and was quickly promoted to leader. Later on it became apparent that I was not leader, and I lost over $15,000.

(October 7, 2008 - October 7, 2008)
Happy Hills Day Care
I worked as a day care assistant / activities co-coordinator for around 2 hours in October. I was laid off near the beginning of my employment because of a paperwork foul-up on their part. I forgot to disclose my status as a Registered Sex-Offender, but they never even asked in the interview. Most of my experience here was meeting my boss and viewing an orientation video.

(July 4, 2005 - August 28, 2008)
I spent just over 3 years as a fashion designer / stylist for Jiggensmith Funeral home in Detroit, MI. My responsibilities included: styling hair, making glass eyes (hand blown), ironing shirts and covering stab wounds with patches or flowers . Sometimes I would be required to take "decent looking" parts from closed caskets and replace "poor parts" on open casket bodies, you'd be surprised how many families never check for four limbs in the closed caskets of relatives.

The only restrictions that I have on employment is that I cannot work with children or within 100 yards of a school or daycare center. Also I have no reliable means of transportation so someone would have to pick me up or be a work from home or "pyramid scheme" type deal.

I look forward to hearing from you,
Roger

Dodge Neon

2009-10-20T05:08:00.000-04:00

Wed, Oct 7, 2009 at 1:06 PM
Roger Podacter:

Hiya,
I saw your ad for the Neon today, and I was wondering if you still had it? I am looking to get a car for my son's 17th birthday, and this one seems perfect.
I don't have any quads, but I'd willing to pay you cash straight up.
-Roger

Wed, Oct 7, 2009 at 1:16 PM
Todd:

Roger,
We do still have it.
When would you like to come and look at it?
Todd

Wed, Oct 7, 2009 at 3:36 PM
Roger Podacter
To: Todd <*********@comcast.net>
Cc: Darius

Todd, thanks for getting back to me. I'll have to check with my son, but perhaps tonight or tomorrow.

Darius, when is your fall ball game?

Wed, Oct 7, 2009 at 3:40 PM
Todd:
To: Roger Podacter

Okay sounds good!
Talk to you later.
-Todd

Wed, Oct 7, 2009 at 3:45 PM
Darius Podacter:
To: Roger Podacter , Todd <*******@comcast.net>

dad! a freakin' dodge neon!!?!? r u serious??? come on!! i should just drive me and my friends around in a gaymobile!!!!! omg!!!!

Wed, Oct 7, 2009 at 3:54 PM
Todd:
To: Roger Podacter
Cc: dariusp1995@yahoo.com

Roger,

I am very sorry for you.
You don’t need to reply.
It was nice chatting talking to you.
Thanks for your interest.

Todd

1992 KX 125 for Crossbow

2009-10-19T05:43:00.002-04:00

1992 kx 125 for crossbow

Roger Podacter:

Good afternoon,
I saw your ad where you're looking to acquire a crossbow in a trade for your 1992 KX 125. I am definitely interested, and I have a Horton Recon 175 crossbow which I've only used for 5 kills. This particular bow is machined from solid aluminum billet and has a collapsible stock, vertical grip, and a three-position picatinny rail. The recon limbs also come with a lifetime warranty, so you know those suckers are built to last. This puppy can also launch an arrow at 325fps, which easily gives it enough power to puncture the skull of an attacker from a quarter mile away.
Like I said, I haven't used this particular bow very much and mostly had it for personal protection for my family. The bow is in excellent shape, but the only problem is that I went on an elk hunt with my brother-in-law Daryl last summer in the Yukon territory and we used poison tipped arrows. So all of the arrows included with the bow are poison tipped, so you'd have to be extremely carefully. I would also recommend using gloves when handling the bow because I am almost positive I dripped some of the poison onto the stock.
Obviously, this bow is a bit more valuable than your bike, so perhaps we can work some additional goods/compensation into the deal?
Look forward to hearing from you,
Roger

Steve:

Send me some pictures if you can through email or my cell phone and where are you from....?
Ya im interested i have an old 35 handgun i canthrow in it was left around from my grandfather so i dont think it was ever registered thats how old it was its a top break revolver maybe you can keep that in your dresser for protection....
Steve
412-***-****

Steve:

Roger,
Id like to throw something together asap because archery season has already started so let me know when you want to put something together...Im free all day today and also tommorow..
Thanks,
Steve

Roger Podacter:

Steve,
I get what you mean. I am gonna get over to my garage and take some pictures of it now. I'll try and send them sometime soon this afternoon.
I also feel I need to be completely honest with you. You are probably wondering why I am willing to trade such a high-quality bow for your crummy little bike. I feel I have to shoot you straight, so I'll tell you that this particular bow doesn't actually belong to me. It belonged to my brother Simon. And last spring while prepping the bow, I accidentally misfired and a ricochet poison tipped arrow punctured his lung.
Unfortunately, he passed away two days later. Originally I had planned to keep the bow, but over the next several weeks, strange things began to occur. The bow would strangely move locations in my garage when I had not used it. And I swear that several times it would fire when I had not yet triggered it to. I know you probably think I am crazy or joking, but I swear to god that I think this crossbow is haunted. Take it for whats it worth, but I just feel I need to let you know about it.
Are you still interested?
Roger

Steve:

Yes im still interested, My familys christian ill have them pray over it and well go from there sorry to here about your brother im sure you feel terrible but accidents do happen.
And the bike i have isnt alittle bike either im 6 ft 240 pounds and it was pulling my ass all over the place....If your mechanincal you can have it fixed and running fine in about 2 hrs if not you can take it to a shop they said it would be between 100 and 175 to have it all done so its up to you and where are you from???

Roger Podacter:

Del you are so insensitive!!!! This is some kind of SICK delusional joke!!!! I have no idea where you find the humor in pretending to e-mail back n forth with my dead husband!!?! and I KNOW for a fact you're still trying to get me back. Roger was my husband and I loved him, what you and I had was a fling and I regret it to this day. You know exactly what happened the day he died, and you know the cops couldn't prove it was murder!! I'm pretty sure that you and I both know YOU are the one responsible.
And now you're pretending to be having a negotiation with him for the very crossbow you used to kill him!?!?!?
BURN IN HELL!!!!!!!!

Steve:

?????????
Is this some kind of joke? i guess this was a joke the whole time, so am i not getting that crossbow? who am i talking to here? the bikes really nice roger, del? or roger's wife or whoever....

Steve: (sent the next day)

I am little bit freaked out/concerned here, and I just need to know what exactly is going on.
Please respond to clear things up.

Motor Scooter for Sale

2009-10-16T10:19:00.002-04:00

Roger Podacter:

Hi, I saw your scooter ad on-line and I'm very interested. My son Darius is an aspiring stuntman and currently performs horse stunts, but we are looking to move him into the motorized arena.
Do you have any idea how fast this scooter can travel?
Also, what are you looking to trade for?
Thanks,
Roger

Nick:

Hi! Thanks for your response to my ad. I'm a little over 230lbs and it took me somewhere between 15-20mph (I'm sure if he ways less than I do it probably has the potential to go faster!). I'm really hoping to get a wii or for my girlfriend or 150.00 but I'm open to other trades (let me know what you have!). There is also a list of other things on my post that I am also looking for.

Let me know!
~Nick
nb*********@hotmail.com

Roger Podacter

Nick,
Its great to hear back from you. If that scooter can go 15-20mph with someone as big as you on it, I'm sure it would be able to get Darius upwards of 55mph. He is on the smaller side and he's only at 83 pounds right now in 6th grade. But I'm sure he'll grow up fast. Have you ever used the scooter to perform tricks and/or stunts?
Those Nintendo Wiis are cool, and I'm sure your girlfriend would love one, but I'm not sure that the scooter is worth a Wii. I think she would really like a spectacular show. Maybe we could work something out where in exchange for the scooter, Darius and myself would perform a scooter stunt show for you and your friends/family. We could set-up our equipment in your yard and perform using your scooter. Normally something like this would set you back $600, but we'd be willing to do it for the scooter as long as you could provide us with a meal and dressing room.
I'll call you later today to discuss,
Roger

Nick B

Thank you for the offer but I just got an email from someone who wants to buy it for 140.00 and I could really use the cash.

Roger Podacter

Are you serious???? You'd rather have $140 instead of a private professional stunt show??
Come to your senses kid, do you think your girlfriend would rather watch you in your underwear playing Wii bowling or drool in amazement as my son Darius lands softly on the tarmac riding your scooter after clearing 6 cars while sporting a cape and tiger mask?
E-mail me back.

Nick B

???? are you serious?? You need to go to a nut bin or jail if you have your son doing a stunt show for money or my scooter? i'm taking the $140 and i'm getting a wii. thanks anyway nutjob!

Roger Podacter

Actually Nick, you'll be getting no stunt show and no $140. I am the sender of the $140 offer. This whole e-mail chain was a sting operation too discover if you are the culprit who stole MY motor scooter which we use for Darius's stunt shows.
After a careful review of all our correspondence I think I have enough evidence to call the cops and have you arrested. The only way I will change my mind is if you agree to invite Darius and myself to your home to perform a scooter stunt show for you and your friends/family. We could set-up our equipment in your yard and perform using your scooter. Normally something like this would set you back $600, but we'd be willing to do it for the scooter as long as you could provide us with a meal and dressing room.

I'll call you later today to discuss,
Roger

P.S. You have one hour to contact me or I am calling the cops

Nick B

I got the $140 today you ****

Seeking Actor and Actress (Pittsburgh, PA)

2009-06-30T04:00:00.000-04:00

We are seeking an actor and actress for a commercial that would possibly be aired nation wide.

- Female 20-24
- Male 21-25

Good if you have prior experience or even if you are looking for your first gig to break in to the entertainment world.

Please email me your head shots, and experiences.

If all goes well, could lead to other jobs.

Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Compensation: will be discussed

Roger Podacter

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: job-********@craigslist.org

Good morning,
I recently stumbled upon your Craigslist ad and see you are looking for an actor to make your production a success. Well your search is over!

Hello, My name is Roger Podacter.

My experience in the world of theater is unparalleled.

Here are some of my previous roles:
- During middle school I acted in our school's production of Castaway, I starred as the pilot on the airplane that crashed.
- Grease (Stage Crew)
- West Side Story (Puerto Rican kid)
- Weekend at Bernie's (Bernie) (This was in elementry school and has been my largest role to date)
- The Jungle Book (Tree/Bush)
- Oklahoma (Tumble weed)
- Transformers (Lead-Role) (I was selected for the lead male role, but had to decline because of a DUI which prohibited me from any stunt driving, it was ultimately given to Shia LaBeouf

My acting skills are not just limited to the stage though. I am also a student of improv acting, and last summer I successfully pulled over a school bus while pretending to be a cop.

Other Incredible Skills:
- I am an accomplished kazooist and have played the harp since I was 11 months old.
- A Triple Threat, I also possess talents in magic and have been a practicing magician since 2002.
- Most of my shows are impromptu where I will simply show up at a mall, car dealership or funeral home and wow the spectators.
- My most dazzling feats include escaping a pool filled with gasoline engulfed in flames and correctly guessing an audience member's cholesterol. (I have yet to perform the pool stunt)
- I can drive a car fast, and I am a pretty good drunk driver. (1 career DUI)

My polaroid camera is currently broken, so I am unable to include headshots, but I will describe myself as others commonly do.
- My face looks like the spawn of a child between Marlon Brando and Tila Tequila.
- The ability to grow a full beard in 7 hours.
- I once played a baby for a 7am shoot for Look Whose Talking 2, and then played Abraham Lincoln at 4pm the same day.

Ok, now to talk about my fees. My fees are simple, I require $40/hr plus meals. I will also need a dressing room with a California king bed, a large leather couch, 50 boquets of flowers, 3 miniuature schnauzers and a small boy for my son Darius to play with. I usually require a ferris wheel to be on-site for all productions, but I am willing to negotiate.

I look forward to being you star,
Roger

Couch Auditions

2009-06-29T06:00:00.001-04:00

Curb Alert-floral couch (L*************)

Date: 2009-06-24, 9:34AM EDT

floral couch, reds & greens & tans
would be good with a cover for a basement or something.
corner of 53rd and h********. pick up before garbage does thursday morning!

From Roger Podacter to sale**************@*************.org

Good afternoon,
I saw that you are looking to get rid of an old couch. I am an independent film maker and I am currently doing a documentary about the L.A. Riots of 1992. I don't have the money to actually travel to L.A. and film, so I have been filming most of the scenes in the Pittsburgh area. What I am proposing is that today, myself, my crew and 50 or so actors, will engulf your couch in flames and simulate a mock riot in front of your residence. This will enable me to get some "authentic" shots. The whole event should last only about 5 or 6 hours. As a reward for your donation I will include you in the film's credits.
I'll just need your name for the credits. Is there ample parking at your residence?

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

im sayin, if you have a permit to do so, go for it... sounds kind of illegal to just do though. and dont catch my car on fire

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

Being an independent film maker means that I try to buck system, so to answer your question bluntly "NO" I don't have a permit to film a riot in front of your burning couch. That is why we will try to get the shot as quickly as possible around 3 o'clock today.
In regards to catching your car on fire, we will try our best to not damage any of your property. My actors try to be authentic as possible, and we will have guns firing blanks, fake knife fights and flaming torches. In the past windows and trees/shrubs have been destroyed, but I have an incidentals fund of $100 that I keep for such accidents.
Thanks and I'll see you at 3.

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

well my car(s) are broke and dont move. so i DONT want them damaged. dont bring ur riot around bc my neighbors will NOT appreciate it. and im not ok with you "trying" not to damage stuff.

go find another couch

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

and if i get home and yins are there n anythin is damaged i will not hesistate to call the police. k thx

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

Karissa,
I understand your concerns, which is why I am willing to ease them by offering you $50 and the lead role in the riot. Basically you would throw a flaming cinder block into the face of one of the stuntmen. There is no danger in injuring him because he is a trained professional.
Please reconsider and don't forget that you would also be included in the credits.

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

NO i dont care about ur movie. i dont want my stuff damaged. i rent, and im pretty sure my landlord would be pissed. GO FIND ANOTHER COUCHHHHH

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

You are a good negotiator. OK, I will offer you $75, the lead role in the flaming cinder block stunt and I will also write in a scene where the camera zooms in for a close-up on your face and you shed a single tear. Do you have any acting experience? If not, its OK, we have Hollywood tricks that can produce this effect.
Change your mind?

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

ur an idiot.

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

I'M AN IDIOT!? I AM A DIRECTOR! WHAT ARE YOU!? YOU ARE JUST A DUMB LADY WHO LEAVES A COUCH OUTSIDE HER HOUSE! YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT BEING IN MY FILM! ALTHOUGH I WILL MENTION YOU IN THE CREDITS AND SAY THAT KARISSA ****** IS A B****! I AM TRYING TO OPEN PEOPLE'S EYES TO THE 1992 LA RIOTS AND YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO START THEM ALL OVER AGAIN.

I HOPE THAT 4 DOGS URINATE ALL OVER YOUR COUCH AND NO ONE COMES TO PICK IT UP BECAUSE IT SMELLS SO BAD. THEN I HOPE IT SITS THERE FOR MONTHS. THEN I HOPE YOUR LANDLORD GETS PISSED AND EVICTS YOU. THEN I HOPE YOU USE YOUR LAST $10 TO SEE MY FILM ABOUT THE RIOTS AND AT THE CLOSING CREDITS YOU WILL SEE A PICTURE OF A SMART PERSON WHO DONATED THEIR COUCH AND THREW A FLAMIN' CINDER BLOCK AND RECEIVED $2 MILLION AS COMPENSATION. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU.

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

im pretty sure the couch is outside bc it is garbage. and will be disposed of tomoro. so IDGAF.

LOSEr. ur the one writing paragraphs to someone about garbage who u werent even gonna pay and just f*** up their property. go write a blues album.

and ps. my real name aint even karissa A$

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

I DON'T GIVE A FLYING F*** IF YOUR REAL NAME ISN'T KARISSA! THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT IS FILMING A RIOT, A BURNING COUCH AND A STUNT MAN GETTING HIT IN THE FACE WITH A CINDER BLOCK!

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HELP ME THEN JUST TELL ME! I WILL STILL GIVE YOU THE $75 AND LET YOU BE IN THE MOVIE, BUT OBVIOUSLY THE PRODUCTION TIME IS GOING TO HAVE TO BE PUSHED BACK. DON'T BEAT AROUND THE F***IN BUSH!
CAN I BURN YOUR F***IN COUCH OR NOT?

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

im pretty sure you must have missed this email

NO i dont care about ur movie. i dont want my stuff damaged. i rent, and im pretty sure my landlord would be pissed. GO FIND ANOTHER COUCHHHHH

you can take the couch somewhere else if you want and burn it, but not at my house. i dont want any parts of ur movie & dont care about cynder blocks. im pretty sure you were hit with one. i dont know why you dont understand this.

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

Ok Fine, I won't use your couch for the riot scene. There is another scene in the movie where an underprivileged woman gives birth to triplets in an alleyway. I would be willing to re-write the script some so that the triplets could be born on your couch in front of your house instead. This scene has no fire or cinder blocks, but there is a lot of fake blood, an artificial vagina and screaming.
Obviously there would be no risk of damage to your property or your beat car that doesn't even work. Would we be able to shoot this scene today around 5pm?

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

wat the f*** part of i dont want shit to do with your movie dont u understand. there are no alleys around my house. and i will not be home. people like you are the reason i dont put my real name on craigslist

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

OK fine, settle down, you don't have to get rude. Please just give me your real name so that I can name the pregnant lady after you.

From Sharonka (A.K.A. Karissa) to Roger Podacter

its sharonka.

goodbye

Storm Windows

2009-06-27T06:00:00.000-04:00

Approximately 24 storm windows. The panes are in good condition. Frames range from good-to-poor condition. You can take what you want and leave the rest. If you need more info, let me know. You will need to pick them up. Location is near S**** High School in O*******.

Roger Podacter

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: sale-*************@craigslist.org

Hi, I saw your posting for the 24 storm windows on Craigslist. I am a music major at PITT and I was wondering if I could use some of the windows for my audio engineering class. We need to make a sound effects sample, and I think broken windows would be an interesting subject. Basically I'll just need your address. I can bring my recording equipment over as long as you have an outside power hook-up. Don't worry I have my own extension cords, I just need somewhere to plug in.

Just let me know your address and when I can come by to record.
Thanks.

Darius is Home from Prison

2009-06-26T06:00:00.002-04:00

All Must Go 6/27-9-?? Yard Sale HUGE (A P*)

Date: 2009-06-24

One day only-9AM until ?? Saturday June 27th - (no early birds, please).HUGE garage sale, something for everyone!! Collectibles, NASCAR diecast, Dishes, Books, End tables, too much to list.

4*** G******* Drive A***** P*****, PA ******* (off W****** Road) Going towards Route ** on W******* make left onto G*********. Off Route ** towards N***** P****easier to make right on R****** and follow all the way around. Look for signs.

From Roger Podacter to sale************@craigslist.org

Hi, I saw your yard sale posting on Craigslist and I am interested. I see you live in Allison Park, I live real close about a 15 minute drive. What I was wondering is if I would be able to bring over some of my wares to sell at your yard sale? My son Darius just got out of prison and we both think its best to get rid of items from his previous life. Most items are guns/weapons, but there are also some decent comic books and an original Atari.
I know you are probably busy preparing for the garage sale and don't have time to check your e-mail, so I'll just stop by on Saturday our things. The more items we have at the garage sale the better. We'll both benefit. Also, if you do get this e-mail before Saturday, could you change the Craigslist listing to mention some of our items that will be available.
Roger

From i**************@yahoo.com to Roger Podacter

Hello Roger;

Thanks for your interest however I do not want to include guns or weapons and I do not want others bringing items-I have too many as it is. Sorry.

From Roger Podacter to i***************@yahoo.com

Ok, I understand your concerns, but each gun is in pristine condition and will have the safety on. I could keep them in a hip holster which I would keep on my person at all times. I would only take them out to show a customer or sell it. And only 80% of our items are guns. Like I said before, there are comic books, an Atari and we also have some vases that were handcrafted by my ex-wife.

Are you sure you don't want more business at your yard sale?

From i***********@yahoo.com to Roger Podacter

I am sure Roger-I do not have enough room for my own things! So please do not bring anything.

From Roger Podacter to i***********@yahoo.com

OK listen, I'll only bring a few comic books and the hand blown vases, but I'll leave the guns in the car. Once you see that the crowd's are larger, I'll just get the guns from the car and we can increase business. But if you're still grouchy and business isn't that great, then I will leave and you can try to sucker some people into buying your junk.

From i**************@yahoo.com to Roger Podacter

I said absolutely NOT!!!
You are being completely rude now do not email or even come to the yard sale!!!

From Roger Podacter to i**********@yahoo.com

I'M RUDE?! I think it boils down to the fact that you feel your yard sale is too good for myself and my "RIFF-RAFF" son!! I bet you that if Sidney Crosby wanted to come to your house and sell 400 pounds of cocaine and a set of razor-blade nunchucks you would roll out the red carpet! I won't come to your yard sale, because its gonna suck!!!! All of your stuff is probably old and you were probably just gonna throw it out in the trash. I am telling everyone I know that your yard sale is gonna be terrible. I wouldn't be surprised if nobody even came!

Even Exchange

2009-06-25T06:25:00.000-04:00

Fred is looking to trade his 1995 Ford Escort station wagon valued at $800.

From Roger Podacter to sale*************@craigslist.org

Hi, I see that you are looking to trade your car for something of equal value. Did you have something in mind? Are you looking for another automobile? Goods or services?
Thanks,
Roger

From Fred ********* to Roger Podacter

well i have vehicles so im not really looking for another one i would be interested in off road toys quads bikes trikes street bikes and so forth and i dont need services done for any thing but im am open to suggestions

From Roger Podacter to Fred **********

Well the only car I have to trade is a 1984 Cutlass Supreme, and I just wrecked my son's trike.
I can offer a service you may be interested in. My son Darius and myself are amateur magicians and have performed spectacles of astonishing wonder. Perhaps we could come to your home and entertain you for a few hours? I would accept the car as payment.

From Fred ****** to Roger Podacter

sorry im not that much in to magic shows whats wrong with the trike i could do part cash part trade if the trike isnt wrecked to badly

From Roger Podacter to Fred **********

Fred,
Darius was driving the trike at a magic show we were doing for a family reunion two weekends ago. This was the first time we attempted the trick 100% and Darius was supposed to hit the ramp and go over the pavilion and then disappear into some bushes. Instead he hit the ramp with too little speed and launched himself directly into the roof of the pavilion. He suffered a fractured collarbone and some broken ribs, but unfortunately the bike was totaled.
So you have no interest in a magic show? We don't mind crowds and you could invite as many people as you please. We simply ask that audience members with heart conditions sit towards the back during the flaming box escape trick. Any chance you might change your mind?
-Roger

From Fred ****** to Roger Podacter

sorry to hear the wreck was that bad hope he will be ok i was thinking a roll over handle bars messed up tank and plastic banged up or something like that and sorry but i dont really have any intrest in a show

From Roger Podacter to Fred *******

Fred,
I am not sure you understand just what you would be getting. Our shows are a great value and normally last about 6 hours including costume changes.
We can perform our own tricks or some of your favorites. The music and show structure are completely tailored to your magic tastes.

This is a summary of our most popular package:
4pm Arrival and Introductions
4:15pm - 4:45pm Comedy Routine to warm up the crowd
4:45 - 5:30pm Card Tricks (Usually guessing a card and being within 1 or 2 suites of that card)
5:30 - 6:30 pm Mind Reading (Guessing weights and heights and sometimes ages)
6:30 - 8:30pm Archery Stunts (Usually involving flaming poison tipped arrows which are rocketed into my chest from the accurate eye of Darius *UPON REQUEST A GUEST CAN SUCK OUT THE POISON)
8:30-9pm Darius Snake Charming (Only poisonous snakes are used) (******Up until this point Darius has been holding his breathe***)
9-10pm THE GRAND FINALE (Many options, most customers choose Sawing a full-grown man in half / Jumping a monster truck over your house or escaping a box engulfed in flames inside of a house engulfed in flames (we WILL provide the box)
AND MANY, MANY MORE....

Now that you have an idea of exactly what you're getting I think your tune has changed. Let me know what type of package you want and when you' like to book us.
Thanks,
Roger

Free Mattress Give-Away

2009-06-24T06:00:00.002-04:00

Craigslist: Would like the queen bed and box spring posted!

Date: 2009-06-23

To whoever posted the queen bed and box spring in n***** h*******. I tried replying and it would not go through. I am very interested in this bed and could pick it up anytime. Please contact me back if it is still available and with directions.

Even though I definitely did not post the queen bed and box spring I couldn't resist pretending to be that generous...

From Roger Podacter to sale****************@craigslist.org

Hi, I see you are interested in my queen bed and box spring. I would be more than happy to give it to you for free, but I just need a few questions answered:

What do you plan on using the bed and box spring for?
Do you have pets?
What will you be doing with your current bed?

From Brittany ********* to Roger Podacter

Well I would be using it for my bed because I have a full now and have been looking for a queen. I will be using my full mattress for our guest bedroom. I do not have any pets. Thank you for getting back to me please give me directions and I could pick it up whenever you want.

From Roger Podacter to Brittany *********

Woah, Brittany lets not get ahead of ourselves here. I don't know if you are deserving of this bed or not. First of all, this bed has an extremely close bond to my heart because it is where my wife and I created our son Darius. He is a joy and we love how he has shown a knack for the family business. He's one of the brightest young amateur magicians I've ever taught.
I will definitely miss this bed and box spring, and you are going to have to be OK with me coming over on occassion a few times a year to check up on it and see that you are taking proper care of it. It relieves me some to hear that you are still keeping your old mattress. If possible I'd like for you to send a digital photo of your current mattress so I get an idea of what to expect for my mattress.
Also once Darius was born we never again made love in the bed, and I would expect the same from you. So you might want to keep the twin in your bedroom.
Can you agree 100% to these conditions?

From Brittany ********** to Roger Podacter

You are a wack job forget it.

Craigslist: Slide and Chalkboard isle

2009-06-23T16:30:00.001-04:00

Date: 2009-06-23

* A slide (in pretty good shape. Top of slide is slightly cracked, see image, but did not bather my daughter).
* A chalkboard isle (can also hold paper, board need to be glued to base).

In the back alley (called C***** Way), behind 7*** B****** st., *****

First come, first served. I will remove this post when items are taken, so if you see this, the items are still there.

Enjoy!

Roger Podacter

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: sale-**************@craigslist.org

Hi, I don't have a car/truck big enough to haul the children's slide and chalkboard that you are advertising on Craigslist, but I was wondering if I could bring by my son Darius so he could play on it for a few hours while I go tanning a few blocks away?
Thanks

I*****

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: Roger Podacter

apparently they were already taken, within 5 minutes...
thanks,

i*****

Roger Podacter

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: I*****

Do you have any idea who took it and what they were planning on doing with it?

I*****

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: Roger Podacter

no, I have no idea. All I know is that it disappeared...

Roger Podacter

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: I******

Well what is Darius supposed to do while I am tanning?!???????

Toshiba Laptop and Dell Desktop

2009-06-23T12:57:00.002-04:00

Some clown was trying to trade his 2 laptops for goods or services on Craigslist. I proposed him a star studded deal.

E-MAIL THREAD:

Roger Podacter

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: sal****************@craigslist.org

Hi, I saw you are looking to trade your laptops for something of equal value. Do you have a yard at your residence?

Jacob

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: Roger Podacter

Yeah, about 3 acres.

Jake

Roger Podacter

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: Jacob ***********

Perfect.
Here is what I am proposing. This Saturday you invite over 50 of your closest friends and relatives to your house. Around 2pm myself and my son Darius will arrive with our truck and gear. Make sure you and your guests bring plenty of seating, because for next 4 and half hours you will be wow'd and entertained with a spectacular motocross stunt show performed by my son Darius and myself. We have been practicing stunt drivers since 2006 and have performed over 4 shows.
Of course you would have to provide food and alcohol, but we would supply the WOW-FACTOR and some laughs. In between stunts my son Darius would entertain your guests with magic tricks and Mel Gibson impressions. All of the stunts eventually build up to the grand finale of myself or Darius (the crowd's choice) jumping a 1984 Cutless over your house. Obviously, you would be responsible for building the ramp and any damage to your house or lawn.
Normally for this type of show we charge around $2,000, but I would be willing to take the laptops. We would also require a dressing room.
All guests would be required to sign a Liability Waiver.
Let me know,
Roger

Jacob **********

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: Roger Podacter

That sounds great, but I would not be interested in anything like that.

Thanks though and good luck

Jake

Roger Podacter

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: Jacob ******

You aren't interested in the show of a lifetime???

Jacob ******

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: Roger Podacter

Not really.

Thanks though

Jake

Roger Podacter

Tue, Jun 23, 2009

To: Jacob

OK fine, I will also bring my nephew Jeffrey. He can cut your grass.

Craigslist: 1987 BMW 325i

2009-06-22T15:59:00.001-04:00

Date: 2009-06-20, 11:52PM EDT

1987 BMW 325i four door, daily driver good on gas , new tires, brakes, and half shafts......inspected till Sept 2009, looking to trade for backhoe, trackloader

E-MAIL THREAD:

Roger Podacter

Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 2:52 PM

To: sale************@craigslist.org

Good afternoon,
I see that you are looking to trade your BMW for a backhoe or something of equal value. Unfortunately, I don't have a backhoe. I would think the car's current value is around $2,500. Being that its so valuable I am willing to offer you a fair trade where we can help each other out.
This is what I am proposing:
1. You open up your house to my son, myself and 50 of our closest friends.
2. You provide a meal (chicken or beef) and alcohol for every guest in attendance.
3. You construct a small stage in your yard/deck/basement.
Once these 3 steps have been completed you can rest easy because your work is done. For the next 5 hours my son and I will entertain you and our guests with an evening of Magic and Comedy.
Possible tricks/stunts include:
1. Card Tricks
2. Mind Reading
3. My son holding his breath for 3 hours
4. Sawing a full-grown man in half
5. Jumping a monster truck over your house.
6. Escaping a box engulfed in flames inside of a house engulfed in flames (we WILL provide the box)
AND MANY, MANY MORE....
At the conclusion of the evening we will waive our standard fee of $2,500 and simply accept your BMW 352i as payment.

We are willing to negoitate depending on what tricks are your favorite or if you'd rather provide vegetarian meals.

Look forward to seeing the car,
Roger

C*********

Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 3:01 PM

To: Roger Podacter

Clearly you are a moron.

Roger Podacter

Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 3:32 PM

To: C**************

Clearly, you have no idea when an offer of a lifetime smacks you right in the face. Your car looks like it is going to implode any minute, on the other hand, my son's magic career is ready to explode. If you really aren't satisfied with that offer, I am willing to increase our performance time to 6 hours, but this would require you to provide a dessert for each guest.
Let me know.

C********* <********@gmail.com>

Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 8:52 PM

To: Roger Podacter

get the f*** out of here you crackhead.....

Craigslist: Person Needed to Wear Mascot Costume (Pittsburgh Zoo)

2009-06-22T15:43:00.003-04:00

Date: 2009-06-19, 10:43AM EDT

Fun, energetic person needed to represent the Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium at events throughout the community. Qualified applicants must be able to wear a mascot costumer and interact with crowds at several different types of venues. Must be at least 18 years of age, have a valid PA drivers license, and be able drive to events within a 100-mile radius.

Location: Pittsburgh Zoo
Compensation: $8 per hour plus mileage reimbursement

E-MAIL THREAD:

Roger Podacter

Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 1:50 PM

To: job*************@craigslist.org

Good Afternoon,

My name is Roger Podacter and I recently came across your job posting for the mascot position at the Pittsburgh Zoo. I recently left my previous employer to pursue more interesting endeavors.
My previous work experience was at Lockheed Martin in Fort Worth, TX and at UPMC Pittsburgh right here in town. During my 33 years of employment at Lockheed Martin I was mainly involved in our defense division where I designed surface-to-air missile defense systems which were sold to the U.S. Armed Forces. The nature of my work exposed me to SolidWorks, Auto CAD, ProE and CATIA systems. I feel this area of experience will greatly benefit myself if I were employed as a mascot at your Pittsburgh Zoo. I would easily be able to make custom modifications to the costume which would enable me to propel myself through crowds using a small rocket pack or boosters. Also, depending on the width of the costumes sleeves I may be able to rig up some custom flamethrowers to dazzle the crowds.

Since I was a young boy I've always had an interest in lions and it would really be a dream of mine to pretend to be one and get paid. I have produced four sample DVDs of myself in full lion costume performing various tricks. I am also a bit of an amateur magician/wizard, and my experience as a wizard has given me the following skills:
- Ballon animals
- Card Tricks
- Simple mind reading
- Weight guessing
- Age guessing
- Virginity guessing
- Hiding stuff under cups and moving them rapidly
- Pogo tricks
- Casting spells
- Simple sorcery
- Fire breathing
- I am also a certified orange belt in the event of a customer uprising or terroristic attack

I also have a strong bond and love for animals. Once I am hired I would have no reservations what so ever about bringing in my 16 foot Burmese python named Tom Hanks Jr. He is very tame and loves children. I also have 3 dogs, 2 cats and usually around 20 hamsters depending on Tom Hanks Jr's feeding schedule.

Despite my age, I think you see that I am more than qualified to meet the demands of your mascot position. My interest level in the position is extremely high, and I am sure that yours has peaked as well. Please contact me via e-mail so we can set-up the starting time for my first day and talk about how much I'm going to be paid. All e-mails are forwarded directly to my beeper so I will contact you once you have decided to hire me.

I look forward to working with you,
Roger Podacter

Craigslist: Maintenance

2009-06-22T15:38:00.006-04:00

Date: 2009-06-22, 1:45PM EDT

L*********** based real estate management company looking for individual skilled in all aspects of property maintenance. Must have own tools and transportation. Must be willing to work as an independent contractor. Prior experience a plus.

Location: L*************
Compensation: depending on experience

E-MAIL THREAD:

Roger Podacter

Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 2:17 PM

To: job************@craigslist.org

To Whom it May Concern:
I just recently saw your Craigslist posting looking for an individual to do maintenance work at your Real Estate office. With the economy being the way it is I am very interested in earning some extra income, but I gotta shoot you straight. I have no prior experience doing any handyman work and I really don't like to do maintenance to my own apartment. But, I do have a strong desire to earn money and $2000 worth of DJ equipment.

I used to DJ birthday parties with my nephew in the mid 90s and I still have all the equipment. I have a positive attitude and an insatiable appetite to pump house music.
For $40/hr (negotiable), I would be willing to entertain your office 3 days a week, with the latest hits from the 70s, 80s and from 1990 to 1993. The $40/hr would be my base compensation and would not include health care, stock options, a company van or a zany sidekick assistant. I did some research and found that nearly 95% of Real Estate offices DO NOT have an in-house DJ. Hiring me would propel your Real Estate company ahead of the rest. If you look at every successful company the one common theme is that they were always one step ahead of the competition. Wal-Mart would not be where it is today if they weren't the first store to think to use a cash register. Innovation drives success.

If you require references or a resume please don't hesitate to contact me. I'd also like to set-up a time to sit down with your team to get an idea of their musical tastes and scope out the best spots for my strobe lights. This is a one-time offer and I expect a response soon, I already have appointments lined up with The Pantalone Family Funeral Home, Fantastic Sam's and Gerginov Family Dentistry.

I look forward to working with you,
Roger

Ron ******

Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 3:09 PM

To: Roger Podacter

Funny... good one. No, I think we are good here.

Roger Podacter

Mon, Jun 22, 2009 at 3:37 PM

To: Ron ******

Ron,
Good to hear from you so soon. I figured you would be interested but hesitant to arrange a meeting.
Just let me know if you ever change your mind and want to have a successful company.
Sincerely,
Roger

Craigslist: CURB ALERT----FREE COUCH (C******)

2009-06-19T12:37:00.008-04:00

Date: 2009-06-18, 10:11PM EDT

I have a dark maroon couch sitting in my front yard. The two ends are recliners and the center piece does flip down to a table. The couch is about 5 yrs old with wear and tear from kids. The down side to the free part is I had a dog pee on the couch and I do not know how to clean it. So if you want it come and take it no questions asked. I did break it down into pieces so it is easy to go and I do have all the hardware. You load and hual. Address is ** ****** Rd. Pgh PA 15205
COUCH ONLY NOT LOVE SEAT

Re: Couch
6 messages

Hi I am interested in your couch, but I am just wondering what kind of dog urinated on it? Also, you say the couch has been sitting in your front yard. How long has it been sitting there?
Thanks,
Roger

***************@aol.com <***************@aol.com>

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 9:57 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

Sorry some one took it over night, Thanks N*****

Roger Podacter

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 9:59 AM

To: ***************@aol.com

Who took it?

***************@aol.com <***************@aol.com>

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:00 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

Not sure it was gone when I woke up this morning

Roger Podacter

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:05 AM

To: ***************@aol.com

Just so you know, I was the one who took the couch. For YOUR own safety. I am not sure if you're aware just how lucky you are to be alive right now. That couch was soaked in urine; and leaving it outside without a sniper present was the dumbest thing you could do. Bears are attracted to the scent of urine and can smell one drop of urine from almost 5 miles.

When I read the Craigslist ad last night at 3am I immediately drove to your house and picked it up. I took it to a remote location in the Allegheny Forest and set it ablaze so no one would be killed. I cannot believe that you are breathing right now. Next time be more careful.

***************@aol.com <***************@aol.com>

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:09 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

GO SEE A F***ING SHRINK YOU NEED SOME MAJOR HELP!!!!!!

Roger Podacter

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:11 AM

To: ***************@aol.com

A simple THANK YOU would have been nice. A bear may have followed the scent to the area, so you're not out of the woods yet honey.

***************@aol.com <***************@aol.com>

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:15 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

YOU F***IN A**HOLE, I HELPED THE GUY LOAD THEM THIS MORNING, THIS IS THE HUSBAND, IF YOU CARE TO MEET AND SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN. ANOTHER WAYS LEAVE MY F***ING WIFE ALONE.

Roger Podacter

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:20 AM

To: ***************@aol.com

I appreciated your help and I thanked you for it, but I still think you owe me at least a simple thank you for saving your lives from bears. Also, I think you know owe me an apology as well for your abrasive e-mails. If you feel an apology and thank you are too much to ask, then I will also accept gift certificates to the Olive Garden.

***************@aol.com <***************@aol.com>

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:26 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

I GOT A GIFT CARD FOR YOU, WHERE CAN WE MEET SO I CAN GIVE IT TO YOU.

Roger Podacter

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:29 AM

To: ***************@aol.com

How much is it for?

***************@aol.com <***************@aol.com>

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:30 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

$100.00

Roger Podacter

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:32 AM

To: ***************@aol.com

Are you going to give me the $100 gift card? Or are you just going to fight me?

***************@aol.com <***************@aol.com>

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:38 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

I have to run out soon but I have to stop to pick up my pay checkat noon. So if you want to meet me at the BP down in Carnegie at noon that would be great I will ever leave my husband at home with the kids. So NO FIGHTING Thank you N*****

Roger Podacter

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 10:58 AM

To: ***************@aol.com

No, I want you to bring your husband and your kids. I want them to know the man that saved the entire family from a bear mauling. Also, I am changing the meeting time and place so that there are no cops. YOU MEET ME AT 1 O'CLOCK JACK PARKMAN MEMORIAL FIELD in Homestead, if you need directions then your entire life is a joke. NO COPS!!!! If I see so much as a Meter Maid, THE DEAL IS OFF!

***************@aol.com <***************@aol.com>

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 11:05 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

Ok we have a problem I dont drive and it is also past 10 am I will be at the bp in carnegie picking up my pay check at noon I got to catch the bus in about 20 min i also have a walmart gift card for $50 so i can bring that too if you want it

Roger Podacter

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 11:12 AM

To: ***************@aol.com

OK, well I can just come by your place to pick up the gift cards. I am bringing two of my friends named Jeff and Davis, so your husband won't try any funny business. Jeff used to play football in high school and Davis has a criminal record because he has a DUI. I am not a fighter, so if your husband does try anything at all, you can bet that you guys will have pieces of raw meat scattered around your lawn for the next 2 months. If the urine soaked couch didn't attract the bears, then the raw meat will! I was hoping I that it didn't have to come to this, but all I ever really wanted was to help and maybe get a gift card. You both are quite rude and have shown no appreciation at all. I can only hope that your children have a good grandparent or aunt who can teach them how to be respectful.

***************@aol.com <***************@aol.com>

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 11:27 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

LOOK A**HOLE THERE IS NO GIFT CARD, BUT WHAT I DO HAVE WILL SPRAY YOU JEFF AND DAVID WITH MORE BULLETS THEN YOU KNOW WHAT DO WITH. END GAME. IF YOU DO E-MAIL ME BACK I WILL FORWARD TO THE PITTSBURGH POLICE AND THE F.B.I. YOU ARE USING THE NET TRYING TO GET SOMETHING BY LYING AND CHEATING PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO HELP OUT OTHERS. SO GO AHEAD A**HOLE 1st. SHOW UP HERE, 2nd. WRITE BACK. AND I WILL BE POSTING ALL OF THESE ON CRAIGS LIST, AND I DON'T THINK ANYONE WILL BE DEALING WITH YOU ANY MORE. GOOD BYE AND HAVE A NICE LIFE

Roger Podacter

Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 11:28 AM

To: ***************@aol.com

N*****,
I must apologize. I am NOT the man that picked up the couch at your house. At no point during your ownership of the couch were you or your family in danger of a bear attack. My name is actually Fred Savage, and I was the actor who played Kevin Arnold on the Wonder Years. Recently, I got my Private Eye’s license and have been working cases. My client, who I cannot name, hired me to find out who stole his couch. I have been investigating all recent sales of couches on Craigslist and in the Post Gazette. Once again, I apologize for my awkward emails, but it was necessary for the investigation. I have now ruled yourself and your husband OUT as possible suspects.
In the event that I do find the suspect, would you be available as a witness?

Thank you,

Ben Savage

P.I.

P.S. If you really do have the $100 Olive Garden gift card and are willing to give it up, I am definitely interested.

Waxman's Carpet & Rug Warehouse

2009-05-08T06:15:00.000-04:00

Target: Waxman's Carpet & Rug Warehouse
Site: wcrw.com
What they sell: Carpets & Rugs
Date: May 6, 2009
Submitted By: Mumpleton Funk

Roger Podacter

A Tremendous Experience!
1 message

Roger Podacter

Wed, May 6, 2009 at 10:14 AM

To: ******@stratos.net

Good afternoon,
I just wanted to take a brief moment to congratulate your company for helping me have one of the most beautiful den's in Cuyahoga county! I sincerely mean that from the bottom of my heart. About 2 months ago my wife Celine and our son Darius visited your store and were blown away by the selection, quality and price. Within 2 hours we had chosen a carpet for our den, which would be the finishing touch on a great re-model. I chose a very nice dark burgundy carpet and I was feeling good and had just received a raise so I let Celine pick out a beautiful leopard skin print rug to place in front of our fireplace, I'll get to that in a second.
Anyway, the install day came quickly and your install staff was very friendly and respectful of my fragile porcelin doll collection which outline the entire den. After the install was complete we were all so excited and I invited over all of our friends. It was spectacular, all 7 of us were enjoying some chilled shrimp and some cocktails. Unfortunately, I think Darius may have had one too many shrimp or sneaked some of the booze because he began to vomit all over the carpet. Needless to say I was pretty upset, but I was absolutely thrilled when I was able to remove any trace of the stains with simple soap and water.
Later on that night I tucked in young Darius and retired back to the basement. Upon entering the basement I discovered my wife waiting my the warm glow of the fireplace. This brings me back to the leopard skin rug.... To make a 5 minute story short, I also owe some congratulations to your company on account of my wife being pregnant. The baby is due in late December and I couldn't be happier about the carpet we purchased from your business. You can definitely expect our future business, and I was wondering if you could send Celine and I a brochure of other animal skin rugs? I've already started measuring our bedroom for a polar bear!
Thank you so much,
Roger

Wal-Mart

2009-05-07T06:10:00.003-04:00

Target: Wal-Mart
Site: walmart.com
What they sell: Death to Mom & Pop
Date: May 05, 2009
Submitted By: Mumpleton Funk

Good morning,

I just wanted to take a moment to compliment your Latrobe store on a job well done. Last evening, after a hard day at work I picked up my son Darius from daycare and stopped by Wal-mart to do my weekly shopping. Darius is quite a rambunctious child; and being a single father makes it even harder to do my shopping and keep an eye on him. One of your associates noticed this and offered to keep an eye on him while I shopped. At first I thought it was a joke and brushed it off, but Darius was becoming more vocal and insisted. I agreed mostly because I felt there was adequate camera coverage at your store in case the associate tried any funny business.

This decision made my shopping experience extremely enjoyable and gave Darius and I one of the best nights of our lives together. I laughed when I spotted Darius and the associate running full speed through the clothing section with women's underwear on their heads and screaming at the top of their lungs. I smiled when Darius gave me a greeting card that read "Best Dad in the World". The associate helped pick it out. Tears filled my eyes when I watched Darius cruise by the dairy department on a 21-speed mountain bike. Thankfully, I had brought my camera and was able to capture his first moments riding a bicycle. I was extremely proud when I discovered Darius putting the finishing touches on a wedding cake in the bakery department with some help from the associate.

Unfortunately I never got the name of the associate who went above and beyond, but Darius and I will never forget about the fun we had and the enjoyable experience at your store. We will definitely be customers for life, and I'd really appreciate it if you could thank your staff for me. Darius can't stop talking about riding his bike, and I think he has a career as a pastry chef ahead of him. Unfortunately, on our ride home we were rear-ended by a drunk driver who has no insurance, but both Darius and I were fine. Hopefully my insurance will cover the damage.

Wal-Mart Response (Stock)

Dear Customer,

Thank you for your feedback regarding a Walmart Associate. We appreciate your time and value the fact that you wanted to share your experience with us. Your comments play an important role in recognizing our most promising Associates and rewarding their dedication to helping each of our customers save money and live better. We appreciate your business. If this automated response has not answered your question, please reply to this email and let us know how we can help.

Sincerely,

Your Walmart.com Customer Service Team

Fan Submission: Clyde's Restaurant

2009-05-06T11:59:00.000-04:00

Target: Clyde's Restaurant
Site: viagra.com
What they sell: Male Sexual Enhancers
Date: April 13, 2009
Submitted By: B.R.

Hi!

I just recently brought my family to your fine establishment, and I have to say that I’ve never, ever had a dining experience as flawless as yours. The food, the staff the atmosphere, everything was beautiful and fantastic and fabulous and unforgettable. I don’t know if your waitress, Shyllandra might remember me, but I had the humungous goiter sticking out of my neck. In fact, I should go on to say that I think your restaurant might have saved my marriage.

For years, my wife and I had been arguing over where to eat dinner. I liked Olive Garden (referred to as “OG”) and she liked Red Lobster (referred to as “RL”). However, those well known establishments don’t hold a candle to your franchise. Everyone here in the trailer park where I reside couldn’t believe that there were places even fancier than the aforementioned eateries; I daresay that I about started a riot at the laundromat when I dutifully declared that “Old Country Buffet is Dead! Long live Clydes!” Clyde’s = RL + OG times ten!

Back to marriage, I couldn’t being to tell you how many times my wife started screaming at me and calling me a worthless chump that could barely manage a gas station whenever I talked about dining at OG. Bad enough that she would take me to her family reunions and then have everyone laugh at me and my physical condition. But that’s okay, because I’d get even with her by throwing fire ants all over her while she slept in our very comfortable Kingsize waterbed that we got from the rent-to-own store down the street. Only paid about $45 week for 18 months, and now we OWN it! The fire ants would bite the hell outta me as well, but you know, it was worth it to see her suffer. I hated her so damn much I could scream sometimes.

Clyde’s however, changed all of that. For the first time in my life, we are both happy. You know what could make that place even better, though? Clowns. Clowns make everything really damn better. I’ve hired them for parties, graduations and funerals and I just can’t tell you how much a memorial service lights up when Happy the Clown busts in with his water lilly joke and crazy clown hair. Thank you Clydes. Thank you for everything.

-------

Dined Recently? Yes
Restaurant: Clyde's of Gallery Place
Experience: Awesome
Food: Awesome
Service: Awesome
Value: Awesome

Clyde's Response: From: Amy B
Sent: Tuesday, April 14, 2009 10:03 AM
To: Amy B; Bart F; Claude; Ginger; Jeff; JohnG; Maureen H; Michael K; Nancy; Sally D; Shane M; Tom M; Victoria G; Andre J; Angela K; Charles I; David M; Egbert F; Jacques T; Joaquin M; Kenny C; Koli Z; Luke P; maggie n; Paul M; Paul W; Richard H; Santos V; Scott F; Steve H; Teri O; Tim G
Subject: GP: Feedback FLAWLESS EXPERIENCE!!

I think this friend might be “clowning” us. Still counts as a positive comment, though!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paul, please respond.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Paul W Subject: RE: Feedback FLAWLESS EXPERIENCE!! To: stooge4*****@yahoo.com Date: Wednesday, April 15, 2009, 6:28 AM

Dear Valued Customer,

Thanks for letting us know of your good time here. Reading your letter was a great way to start our day. We appreciate you taking the time to write to us. We look forward to serving you again soon.

Sincerely,

Paul W

General Manager

Clyde's of Gallery Place

Craigslist: Toddler Bed

2009-05-06T06:30:00.002-04:00

Roger Podacter

Re: toddler bed

PatriciaM@aol.com

Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 4:39 PM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

The bed is the same size as a regular crib. It actually uses the same crib mattress as a crib would.

In a message dated 4/29/2009 1:13:34 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, rogerpodacter66@gmail.com writes:

Hi, I saw your toddler bed on Craigslist. About how large is the bed? My son Darius is only 3 but he is already quite large.
Thanks,
Roger

Roger Podacter

Thu, Apr 30, 2009 at 8:34 AM

To: PatriciaM@gmail.com

Thank you Patricia. I believe you said the bed was made of wood, do you have any idea of what kind? Because Darius is already sitting at 75 pounds and I want something that is sturdy enough to hold him. He has already shattered 2 previous cribs.

Thanks,
Roger

PatriciaM@aol.com

Thu, Apr 30, 2009 at 9:14 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

Hi Roger,

I just went to check if the type of wood was printed on the label sticker and noticed that bed had a maximum weight limit of 50 lbs. I think most toddler beds are probably the same. Maybe a regular twin/full bed would work for you little boy and you can get safety rails for it so he won't roll out...that way he won't outgrow it anytime soon. My daughter is 2 and I'm switching her to a regular bed...that's why I'm selling this one.

Patricia :)

Roger Podacter

Thu, Apr 30, 2009 at 9:25 AM

To: PatriciaM@aol.com

Patricia,
I appreciate your prompt response and checking on the weight limits for the crib. I agree that I definitely don't want little Darius to out-grow or shatter another crib. I just got off the phone with Ethan Allen furniture and they sell a king size bed carved from a solid stump of a Californian redwood tree that can handle up to 900 lbs. This should give Darius plenty of space and room to grow.
Thanks again for your kindness and knowledge of toddler beds,
Roger

[Quoted text hidden]

Craigslist: King Bed

2009-05-05T08:51:00.004-04:00

King Bed - $680 (Westmoreland City)

Date: 2009-04-30, 7:59AM EDT

King Size - FIRM - Highest quality mattress set with metal bed frame.
(This quality would cost much, much more brand new!)
Near the Irwin Exit, PA Turnpike.

Just pick up and pay directly. Come get it today!

Location: Westmoreland City

PostingID: 1147212287

King Bed
7 messages

Roger Podacter

Thu, Apr 30, 2009 at 9:30 AM

To: sale-wghs@craigslist.org

Good morning,
How comfy is that bed?
-Roger

Maria P

Thu, Apr 30, 2009 at 10:42 AM

To: Roger Podacter

I love the bed!

It's in amazing shape and is perfectly comfortable and clean.
It's in a smoke free/pet free environment.

I'm sure that you would be very happy with it.

Roger Podacter

Thu, Apr 30, 2009 at 10:47 AM

To: Maria P

On a typical ordinal scale how would you rate its comfort?

[Quoted text hidden]

Maria P

Thu, Apr 30, 2009 at 11:21 AM

To: Roger Podacter

This is a firm support, Stearns and Fosters Addington mattress top of the line.
This is not a cheap mattress set and it is in my opinion a perfect night's sleep!

Thanks

Roger Podacter

Thu, Apr 30, 2009 at 11:24 AM

To: Maria P

Hmm, It definitely sounds like a solid mattress. The only reason I am questioning it so much is because my wife is a little overweight and our previous mattress was destroyed after only 2 months. It definitely looks firm, but I would need to see a picture of the mattress taking on some serious weight. My wife is pushing 350 and I check in at 225. Do you think you'd be able to snap a picture of the mattress taking on upwards of 600 lbs? Maybe if you have a baby grand piano, or a weight bench or several large dogs, you could place them on the mattress to show its strength?
Thanks
Roger

[Quoted text hidden]

Maria P

Thu, Apr 30, 2009 at 4:48 PM

To: Roger Podacter

http://www.us-mattress.com/stearns-and-foster-renova-park-firm-king.html

Yes, this Stearns and Foster Renova Park firm mattress would be close to what I have to sell. Stearns and Foster has the strongest coil gage in the industry apparently and has the most durable material on top.

Good Luck

Roger Podacter Fri, May 1, 2009 at 9:24 AM

To: Maria P

Maria, late last night my wife died. We had just finished a meal of corn, biscuits, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Long John Silver's family treasure chest of 8 chicken planks. We had been trying to cut back on her consumption, but it simply got to be too much. Sometime during the night one of her chins had become lodged in her mouth and her oxygen was cut off enough that she was eventually suffocated and she completed living.
The viewing will be Saturday evening and the funeral is Monday morning. I am only telling you because I feel we have grown very close in the past 2 days, and I just thought you'd like to pay your respects.
Also, I now have no need for the mattress because I only weigh 225 lbs and I would only require a twin.
Thank you for all your help and I look forward to seeing you at the funeral or viewing.
-Roger

Craigslist: Antique Wooden Plane

2009-05-04T07:00:00.001-04:00

toronto craigslist > city of toronto > tools

antique wooden plane - $65 (Pharmacy/St Clair )

Date: 2009-04-28, 9:47AM EDT

Hi I have an antique wooden plane this in very good condition for only $65 .

Location: Pharmacy/St Clair
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1143928346

Roger Podacter

plane
22 messages

Roger Podacter

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 10:00 AM

To: sale-jhhmy-1143928346@craigslist.org

Good morning I was wondering who long you've had the plane for?
Thanks,
Roger

Mark Z

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 10:56 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

Hi Roger I'm just wondering why you're asking .

mark z

Date: Tue, 28 Apr 2009 10:00:29 -0400
Subject: plane
From: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com
To: sale-jhhmy-1143928346@craigslist.org

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

Good morning I was wondering who long you've had the plane for?
Thanks,
Roger

this message was remailed to you via: sale-jhhmy-1143928346@craigslist.org

Tell the whole story with photos, right from your Messenger window. Learn how!

Roger Podacter

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 10:59 AM

To: Mark

Mark,
I just know that they don't make wooden planes anymore and I was wondering how old yours is. Most today are made of aluminum alloys.
-Roger

[Quoted text hidden]

Mark

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 12:12 PM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

Hey Roger . When people don't pay their rent on a storage unit they go up for auction . That is how I aquired this . If you wanted I can give you the grandfathers name who used to own this as it's written on the side of the plane . My name is Mark and my number is ****** . Thanks

mark

Roger Podacter

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 1:00 PM

To: Mark Z

Mark,
So the plane has been in storage for sometime, I just wonder if it would still be in working condition. Without proper service checks and repairs, most planes can easily become unusable. It would really help me out if you have any idea of the amount of flight hours this plane has.
-Roger

[Quoted text hidden]

Mark Z

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 2:44 PM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

It is in very good condition . It appears to have been restored . It is definetly not unusable .

mark z

Date: Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:00:45 -0400

[Quoted text hidden]

Messenger has tons of new features that make chatting more fun. Click here to learn more.

Roger Podacter

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 2:50 PM

To: Mark Z

Z-Man,
Which is it man? You tell me it is in great shape, but then you tell me it has been restored, but then you tell me it is not usable?
The last thing I wanna do is purchase this plane and then have to face the sadness of burying my son when he goes down over the south pacific in the thing.

[Quoted text hidden]

Mark Z

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 3:04 PM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

What I said is that it is not unusable not not usable . The double negative turns it into a positive . Hopefully your son is not going to fly this to the south pacific . Wood planes generally only fly a few feet . However I guess with the right motor and wings you never know .

mark z

Date: Tue, 28 Apr 2009 14:50:13 -0400

[Quoted text hidden]

Create a cool, new character for your Windows Live™ Messenger. Check it out

Roger Podacter

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 3:07 PM

To: Mark Z

So this comes without the motor and wings?? Is it just the fuselage? I am a little confused here.

[Quoted text hidden]

Mark Z

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 3:17 PM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

The fuselage appears to be in great codition . It needs a motor and wings to get off the ground dude . Hopefully your son is small as this baby is about a foot long .

mark z

Date: Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:07:53 -0400

[Quoted text hidden]

Roger Podacter

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 3:24 PM

To: Mark Z

Mark,
I think you might be jerking my chain a little here. I have never heard of a foot long plane, so I am pretty sure what you are selling is a model airplane. Can I MAKE A SUGGESTION TO YOU: NEXT TIME LEARN TO BE CLEAR WITH YOUR LISTINGS TO AVOID CONFUSION!

[Quoted text hidden]

Mark Z

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 3:30 PM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

Dude take a look at the pic as well as the price and you will find that you're the one jerking my chain . That's strange I spelled everything right , I put a pic in , I also put it in the tool section and you have the nerve to tell me I'm jerking your chain . So your suggestion is not going to be used but if I could make a suggestion to you it would be to learn the english language . Understanding is bliss .

mark z

Date: Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:24:10 -0400

[Quoted text hidden]

Roger Podacter

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 3:39 PM

To: Mark Z

You've got some nerve buddy. I'm trying to find an air worthy flyer for my son Darius and you are making quips about a hunk of wood. If you want to sell me the plane, then sell me the plane. But I have no interest in your wood planer or whatever it is. I am looking for a plane, and you WERE selling a plane, but it looks like you must have changed the picture now. Nice try man, and I thought you were cool.............for a millisecond.

[Quoted text hidden]

Mark Z

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 3:45 PM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

I changed the pic wow how do you do that . Listen dude surely you're still trying to play me and i emphasize the word trying . No one has ever been that stupid . Dude wood airplanes went out with Howard Hughes . You're not even funny anymore .

mark z

Date: Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:39:12 -0400

[Quoted text hidden]

Roger Podacter

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 3:54 PM

To: Mark Z

The only thing that is on its way out is your craigslist career buddy! You need to wise up and understand how to operate a computer.

Sincerely,
Roger

[Quoted text hidden]

Mark Z

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 4:17 PM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

You were serious . Dude can you read english . Do you have even the slightest understanding ? Maybe you've had a brain injury or you have alzhiemers or some other mind affecting disease but dude for you to tell me I need help is an understatement . If you go to CAMH they may be able to help you with your problem but you have a serious mental issue . Dude seek help or start back on your medication .

mark z

Date: Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:54:03 -0400

[Quoted text hidden]

Mark Z

Tue, Apr 28, 2009 at 4:29 PM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

Dude this ad was in the tol section . This does not mean that you must be a tool to read the ads . You must have taken it literally .

mark z

Date: Tue, 28 Apr 2009 15:54:03 -0400

[Quoted text hidden]

Windows Live Messenger makes it easier to stay in touch – learn how!

Roger Podacter

Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 9:49 AM

To: Mark Z

I posted a WANT ad on craigslist and it goes like this:

WANTED
A SELLER WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT HE IS SELLING! A SELLER WHO IS SELLING A PLANE AND ACTUALLY KNOWS THAT IT IS A PLANE. THE PLANE IS CAN FLY IN THE SKY AND THE SELLER RECOGNIZES THAT. I ALSO WANT A FIBERGLASS COCK PIT. IF THERE ARE ANY SELLERS THAT ARE LITERATE AND ALSO KNOW HOW TO TAKE A PICTURE OF A PLANE, PLEASE CONTACT ME.
THANK YOU!

[Quoted text hidden]

Mark Z

Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 11:16 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

Dude there was a pic attached . I know exactly what a plane is . The question is , what are you doing looking for a plane in the tools section for $65 . I'm looking for buyers not dip shits . Sorry you fit the later and I can't sell the plane to you .

mark z

Date: Wed, 29 Apr 2009 09:49:26 -0400

[Quoted text hidden]

Roger Podacter

Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 11:18 AM

To: Mark Z

Well you better find me a god damn plane sometime between now and the end of the day or there is gonna be a major shitstorm. My son Darius is crying like a banshee.

[Quoted text hidden]

Mark Z

Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 11:25 AM

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

Good luck I've found one . It's paper though but it's cheap . With a little flour and water the paper can be stiffened and there is very little chance of little Darius being hurt badly . His arms and legs if they don't have to be amputated will probably heal within a couple of years but it will have saved you tons of money . Let me know when you want to pick this up as it will go quick . There's a big wind coming and it may be gone sooner . Also I hope your not to attached to seeing your son again as it may be hard for him to get back .

mark z

Date: Wed, 29 Apr 2009 11:18:04 -0400

[Quoted text hidden]

Roger Podacter

Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 11:34 AM

To: Mark Z

Ya, you think this is a god damn game!? I will have the last laugh. I hope you have a son currently or I hope that you have a son one day when you are old enough to produce one. I hope you name that son Paddington. And I hope Paddington does well in school and sports and gets signed to a baseball contract straight out of high school for the Florida Marlins. But then I hope during Paddington's first game you are sitting and watching him pitch and all of the sudden he throws a pitch and the batter crushes it out of the stadium. On the very next pitch you are struck by lightning and 500,000 volts of pure karma flow through your body until your life is extinguished. This all could have been avoided had you learned to type and assemble sentences and photographs for a craigslist posting.

[Quoted text hidden]

Scam Mail Pen Pal: Salone & Rose Kemoh

2009-05-01T06:30:00.001-04:00

Roger Podacter

FROM SALONE AND ROSE KEMOH.
6 messages

salonekemoh@cantv.net

Mon, Apr 20, 2009 at 9:22 AM

Reply-To: salonekemoh@cantv.net

To: salonekemoh@cantv.net

FROM SALONE AND ROSE KEMOH.
Av 16 Reu 87 ABIDJAN
KORIET CAMP ANGRE.
REPUBLIC OF COTE-D'IVOIRE

00225 07 40 87 51.

Dearest

I am Salone Kemoh the only son of late Mr. Gilbert Kemoh from Sierra Leone.

I got your contact from the ECOWAS Infomation Center in Cote d'Ivoire. My source of your contact gave me the courage and confidence to rely on you. I am writting you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance to transfer the amount of (EIGHT MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS)($ 8,500,000,00 US )now in the custody of a BANK here in Abidjan to your private account .

SOURCE OF THE MONEY; My late father, Mr. Gilbert Kemoh a native of mende district of Sierra Leone, was the general Manager of Sierra Leone Diamond minning corporation (S.L.D.M.C.)Freetown.

According to my mother, This money was the income that accrued from minning corporation's over draft and minor sales.

Before the peak of the civil war between the rebels forces of major Paul Koroma and the combined forces of ECOMOG peace keeping operation that almost destroyed my country, following the forceful removal from power of the Civilian Elected President Ahmed Tejan Kabbah by the rebels. My father had already made arrangement for his family; my sister Rose and myself to be evacuated to Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire.

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now we are presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. We are seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$10.5 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf. I had wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money.

Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. As you indicated your interest to help me I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will send you details in my next email for you to know me well.

I humbly solicit your assistance in the followings ways;

To assist me claim this fund from the BANK as a co-beneficiary.;

To transfer this money in your name to your country;

To make a good arrangement for a joint business investment on our behalf in your country with you as the caretaker.

To secure a college for my little Sister and my self in your country to further our education.And to make arrangement for our travel to your country after you have transferred this fund. most importantly,The whole documents issued after deposit is in my custody.

For your assistance, I beg to concede 15% of this money to you while 5% will be set aside for ancillary expenses that may arise in the course of the transaction.

I EAGERLY AWAITS YOUR REPLY.
BEST REGARD
SALONE AND ROSE.

Roger Podacter

Tue, Apr 21, 2009 at 1:21 PM

To: salonekemoh@cantv.net

Salone,

I am completely shocked by your situation, and it sounds terrible. Lord only knows the horrors you are going through right now. Thankfully you have found shelter in a mission. I would definitely like to help you and assist you through this ordeal. Actually, I think that we would both would benefit greatly, because currently I am a refugee as well and staying at a mission in Burkina Faso AS WELL! It might be the same one you are at! Is that you always making the moaning sounds at night?? We should definitely be able to help each other get some money.

Actually, what is kind of funny is that I am the son of the King of Scotland, and last month my father was killed in a motor boating accident. You see, my mother has quite large bosoms and he was not wearing his neck brace at the time. He died en-route to the hospital. I fled the country, because my mother was arrested for murder and I knew for sure that my evil Uncle Alvin would try to have me thrown into prison with her.

I have almost $15 million USD tied up in my father's bank account that I need help to retrieve. I will promise you 30% if you assist me, and then I'll take 20% of yours for me helping you.

Stay Strong! Your Friend,

Roger

P.S. Are you writing these e-mails from the mission? I don't have internet or a laptop in my room, please tell me who hooked you up. Was it Mother Nina? I am currently at the Internet cafe down the street.

Good luck!

[Quoted text hidden]

salonekemoh@cantv.net

Wed, Apr 22, 2009 at 5:32 AM

Reply-To: salonekemoh@cantv.net

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

Dear Sir,

Compliments of the season and many many thanks for your response to our proposal. I and my sister were too happy about your response to our message.We pray that God will give you the heart to assist us.

We have to bring to your notice that we don't have any bad intentions coming to you for an assistance ,all we needed from you is not only the money to be transferred into your bank account but for you to be our guidian and start directing our affiars from hence fort.So, please all we needed from you is total co-peration so that we will get this money transferrred immediately to your provided account without any delay.

No condition is permanent says a proverb,because of our life, someone will tell us that oneday that we will be looking for help of any kind we will not beleive the person,because when our father was alive everything is very complete for us,but now things has fall apart as the center cannot hold again,we have deceided to reply this mail and beleive that we will be understood and not be betrayed and disappointed.

After the transferring money into your bank account,I and my sister will be here waiting for you to send us some money from it so that we will be getting prepared to come over there in your country for a new life.While i will join any business of your choice with your directives as our guidian and my sister to continue her Education. I hope that this message will meet you well as we have written to you with all our heart and beleiving that you will not let us down.I am 19 years old while my Sister Rose is 16.

We have all the necessary documents with us here which our late father use to deposited the money and we are ready to provide to you them on request.

Finally dear, Please permit us to know more about you. How old are you? What type of religion do you practice?What do you do for a living?please explain to us more about your personal data.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks and remain bless.

Yours sincerely.
Salone and Rose.

[Quoted text hidden]

Roger Podacter

Wed, Apr 22, 2009 at 11:44 AM

To: salonekemoh@cantv.net

Salone and Rose,

I am typing this email from my Apple iPhone while on the toilet, because I just got back from Taco Bell and I have extremely irritable bowels, I hope you don't mind. I had to immediately respond because your situation is a sad one, and I know I can help. I will do all that I can.

I am 42 years old, I am a practicing Catholic and I am Custodial Engineer/Veterinarian.

Please let me know what else I can do to assist you.

Sincerely,
Roger

[Quoted text hidden]

salonekemoh@cantv.net

Wed, Apr 22, 2009 at 12:51 PM

Reply-To: salonekemoh@cantv.net

To: rogerpodacter66@gmail.com

Dear Sir,
We received your message and we thank you very much for your prompt response.

I and my sister decided to search for help the way we did because we did not want to fall into wrong hands.
Because of that we prayed to God to send us a good Person who will not betray us after the money have been transfered .Because this money left by our late father is our only hope of survival in this world now. As of now I and my sister are staying at the assylum camp in abidjan here and we are suffering a lot .

So Sir, we shall like this transaction to be completed in time so that we can come over to your country for a new life and continue our education while you will invest the money into some profitable ventures.

Once again,I am 19 years old while my sister Rose is 16.So as you can see I am too young to manage this money and after the death of our parents we don't have anybody to care for us again. So because of that reason we shall like you to;

1). promise me that you will take me and my sister as your own and that you will never betray us.

2). Work torwards our coming to your country to continue our education after the money have been transfered into your account.

3). To serve as a guardian to the money by ensuring that it is invested wisely.

It is so that this transaction could be completed as soon as possible.
We shall be sending to you our international passports and most of the documents that backs this fund to enable you to know more about us as soon as possible.

We are waiting earnestly for your positive reply.And please we will like you to call us on this telephone number so you can hear our voice. +22507408751.

Thanks and may God bless you.
Yours Sincerely,
Salone and Rose.

Roger Podacter

Wed, Apr 22, 2009 at 1:17 PM

To: salonekemoh@cantv.net

Salone and Rose,
It soothes my ear to hear that you are safe and your return is so close. I actually have my own personal watercraft that I could pick both of you up on. It is a Sea-doo jetski and can travel up to 35 knots.

In response to your questions:

1 . Pinky swear
2. No doubt
3. I am not very strong, but my friend Brian works out twice a week and I always call him when I need to move my entertainment center during spring cleaning.

Unfortunately, I will be unable to call you this week, because my son was attempting to fix the telephone line on our street and was struck by lightning. He has been in the hospital since last Wednesday and we currently have no phone service.
If you could send me a picture of yourself and Rose wearing bikinis and eating salami sticks I would be forever grateful.

Your friend, protector, hero and future father,
Roger

[Quoted text hidden]

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