Dog Trainer

From: Roger

To: Gary

Hi, I  saw your ad on-line for dog training services.  I was wondering if you train other animals as well?

Thanks,

Roger

From: Gary

To: Roger

Thank you for your email.  Unfortunately, the only animals I have certification to train are dogs.  I'm assuming you have a horse that you are looking to break.  I do know some collegues who break horses if you are interested.  

From: Roger
To: Gary

Gary,
Thanks for your response, but I really need a fish trainer.  I am planning on proposing to my girlfriend Janelle, and I really want to make it special.  She loves animals, especially her goldfish Lucille.  She is named after Lucille Ball, but I actually think the fish is a male, I just haven't had the heart to tell her.  I'm a doctor, so I can usually tell.
I just purchased the engagement ring last week, and I'd like to propose around Christmas.  I just need someone to train Lucille to hold the ring in his mouth and then jump from his tank onto Janelle's lap while we are watching Friends.  Then I can pop the question.
I've been trying to save money and train the fish myself, but so far all I can get it to do is nibble the ring.
-Roger

From: Gary
To: Roger

That's the best one I've heard this week.  Good Luck joker.

From: Roger

To:  Gary

I am not joking Gary.  I really need a fish trainer, because I love my girlfriend.  E-mail me your collegues contact information.  Hopefully they are nicer than you are.

From: Roger

To:  Gary

Hey numbskull! You gonna e-mail those contacts over to me or what?!

 

From: Gary
To: Roger

You insult me and expect me to play your and send you contacts?   ***hole

From: Roger

To:  Gary

Gary, thanks for nothing!  Thanks to you my life is in ruins.  I spent the last 2 weeks working with Lucille 8 hours a day.  Last night, I felt confident enough that the fish was finally ready.  Janelle and I began to watch "Remember the Titans" on Blu-Ray DVD.   Before she got home from work I removed the ring from its box and placed it into Lucille's mouth for safe keeping.   I watched intently, and Lucille waited for the signal.  Right as the brick goes through Coach Boone's window, I watched Lucille leap from the tank. 

What I didn't realize was that my cat Colonel Pumpenfunkels had been scouting every training session I had with Lucille.  I watched in horror as Colonel Pumpenfunkels launched himself onto the couch and snared Lucille out of the air and down his mouth.  I immediately lunged for my cat who had just swallowed my girlfriend's $8,000 engagement ring, and Janelle began to tear up at the loss of her fish. 

Colonel Pumpenfunkels was able to out-maneuver me, and ran out the window.  I immediately chased him outside and into the neighbor's lawn.  I frantically grabbed and dove trying to snag him and his $8,000 meal.  Finally, I figured I had him cornered at my neighbor's fence, but he clawed his way right up the side and over the top.  Unfortunately, Colonel Pumpenfunkels didn't realize that my neighbor Chris was in the process of doing some yardwork, and Colonel Pumpenfunkels fell right into an industrial wood chipper.

I was unable to find the ring, and the cat and goldfish were mince meat.  I understand you aren't exactly my biggest fan right now, but I just adopted a 7 week old border collie named Horatio.  I want to try the same proposal arrangement but this time using the dog.  I was wondering if you would be willing to train him.

-Roger

From: Gary

To: Roger

STOP E-MAILING ME YOU SICK ****