Vin Diesel Live

To:Anthony
From: Roger
Anthony,
Glad that I found your post on-line.  My son Darius and I have our very own rock band and we are currently in need of a new singer.  Its just Darius and I after Darius's stunt coordinator started performing tricks with my wife.  It sounds like you are what we are looking for.  We need someone who is very dedicated and loves music as much as we do.
We are really in a bind because we have 3 upcoming shows as soon as May 5th, and we really need to get more rehearsal time in.
Where are you located and do you have reliable transportation?


-RIP
"Then David and all Israel played music before God with all their might, with singing, on harps, on stringed instruments, on tambourines, on cymbals, and with trumpets."
1 Chronicles 13:8


To: Roger
From: Anthony
I am located about 50 mind north of the city I have my own car, what kind of music do you guys play tell me a little more about you guys

To:Anthony
CC: Darius
From: Roger
Anthony,
Thanks for your quick response.  We're really into some edgy stuff.  Darius plays drums/percussion and I handle all of our keys.  We both find guitars just plain boring and nothing can compare to the sounds produced by my Casio.  I would describe our music as mainly a mix of all styles of music, with Darius adding a little extra pizazz.  Our fan favorite tune is called "Night Terrors", which is actually a true-life account about extremely violent nightmares that Darius had during his first few months of sixth grade last fall.  This songs features a lot of rhythm changes and Darius handles the vocals mainly by shrieking into the microphone trying to recreate the graphic energy of those terrors.

To:Anthony

CC:Roger

From: Darius

dad u forgot about the lazer lights and the costumes! idoit!

antony, we also have a lazer light system that i got for christmas and we use that to have cool effects that make the crowd smile and be amazed.  and for each show we will wear a theme costume.  usually it is a sorcerer theme.
i sometimes wear a wizard beard when i play but dont worry cuz i have another one too but its not as autehntic.

p.s. our band is called VIN DIESEL cuz he is my favorite actor
-darius

"i caught em all!"   

To: Roger

From: Anthony

You guys are a band and have fans and your son is in sixth grade??  I'm looking for something more serious than a father son project.  thanks anyway

To:Anthony

CC:Darius

From: Roger

I assure you that we take our music seriously and we have quite a fan following.  We've played a good amount of gigs so far this year, and usually play once a week.  Our big yearly gig is a 4 night set at the Hunker Volunteer Fire Dept east of Pittsburgh.  Right now we only have two songs, but Darius is currently working on new material for our upcoming album "Father, Mother & Son", obviously we would change the album to "Father, Anthony & Son".

Right now we are practicing out of my mother's house, so we would probably need to relocate.  Perhaps you could host a practice?

Is there any way that you could host a practice tomorrow?
Let me know
Roger 

To: Roger

CC: Darius

From: Anthony

I am thinking this a joke but i am kind of intrigued by the weirdness of this project and strangely interested.

To:Anthony

CC:Roger

From: Darius

i will handle this idoit dad!

we dont allow idoits into our band and espcilly if they are dumb.  i hope no one wants u in their band and u never get a babe!

-darius

"i caught em all!"   

Community Service

POSTING:
I need to get a job doing 100 hours of community service.  Please e-mail me if you have work for me or can point me in the right place.


Roger to Justine
Good afternoon,
I saw your posting on-line and see you are looking to get 100 hours of community service.  I enjoy helping troubled kids, and I can definitely help you out if you are willing to help me out.
Just a few questions,
By what date do you need to be finished with your 100 hrs?
How old are you?
Are you able to perform manual labor?
Please let me know if you are interested.
Have a good day!
-Roger
"Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women ..."
Ezekiel 9.6

Justine to Roger

I have until around the 20th of March, im 18, and yes i can do manual labor. All depending on where the place is. what would i be doing?

Roger to Justine

Well it looks like you have a little under a month to get some sweat in your shorts!  

I'm a working man who believes in second chances, so I don't care what you did or who you raped or murdered.  That information is none of my business, but what my business is is sheep breeding.  I operate a 20 acre sheep ranch about 20 minutes outside of Baldwin.
I have a flock of about 200 sheep, and of those 200 about 45 are rams who have reached their peak sexual maturity.  If you know anything about sheep breeding you know that rams on the prowl for ewe can be quite aggressive.  At age 55, Its not always easy for me to handle them and an extra hand would be appreciated.
Right now its just me and my 10 year old son Darius on the farm, but he is usually practicing stunts for upcoming movies.
If you'd like you could come by and I can give you a tour of the farm and demonstrate the type of work you will be doing.
Thanks,
Roger P

"Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women ..."

Ezekiel 9.6

Justine to Roger

sheep breeding??? r u serious? it does not sound like a thing i would want to do. thanks.

Roger to Justine

Justine,

Don't quit on me now.  Its really not as bad as it sounds.

Your typical day would start around four when the sheep are still asleep.  I would ride into the pen on my segway blasting an air-horn and shrieking like a banshee.  This should wake up the majority of the sheep.  As they awaken you'll be on foot with a baseball bat.  As the sheep arise from their slumbers you will knock them out with a swift crack to the skull.  

Don't worry, the sheep don't feel a thing because sheep don't have nerves in their heads. After all the sheep have been knocked out we'll break for lunch around one o'clock.  Any sheep that you hit too hard will be taken into the kitchen.  We'll then enjoy a meal of boiled mutton served in chicken beaks.

At 1:10pm, you'll drag the unconscious sheep into my upstairs guest bedroom, four at a time.  I'll take it from there.  In the meantime you'll need to give each ewe a full scrubbing in order to attract a mate, and a few of the ewes may be delivering.

I'm sure that you being 19 and a troubled girl, you probably have experience giving birth.  Lamb delivery is just like child birth; although occasionally you will get kicked in the sternum by a birthing ewe. No worries though, I will provide you with a bicycle helmet to safe guard from arrant hooves.

Sometimes a newborn lamb may become lodged in the birth canal. Its very important that you are not fat and maintain top physical condition, because you will sometimes be head and shoulders into the birthing canal to fetch one of the furry buggers.

I can't work as long a day as I used to, so I wouldn't expect you to either.  Most days will end around ten or so.

This means it'll take you a little longer to get your 100 hours of service in.  I figure if we start on Monday you'll have your 100 hours by Saturday night, which will be just in time for our monthly apple cider & sheep shave jamboree.

Roger

"Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women ..."

Ezekiel 9.6

Justine's Mother to Roger

Hi, I'm Justine's mom and you need to leave my daughter alone!  She already said she's not interested in your disgusting business, and I'd like for her to earn something useful during her punishment.

Thank you,

Wendy **********

Roger to Justine's Mom Wendy

Wendy,

I know you said your Justine's mom, but your comments about the uselessness of sheep breeding make me think you're hiding some serious coconuts under your slacks.  You obviously don't know a lick about sheep breeding and its benefits.  Sheep breeding is hard work and it teaches you discipline, drive, determination and a tender loving touch.

I'm offering Justine a gravy train with biscuit wheels.  I spent 17 months on a farm in Cut Bank, Montana giving lambs a bath with Johnson & Johnson No Tears before I was even allowed to step foot on the breeding floor with my Pap Pap.  What I'm offering your daughter is a chance to deliver life into this world, and feel the warmth of a newborn lamb covered in amniotic fluids snuggling up close to her face.  She'll be on the cutting edge of sheep husbandry, where later this month I'll be attempting to breed a sheep and a cocker spaniel to create the world's first true sheep dog.

Sheep breeding also has benefits in the workplace.  Maybe your boss comes in one day and tells you that you're fired, you're fat and your parents died on a Wave Runner.  Its going to hurt for sure, but it won't hurt as bad as having a third trimester ewe blowing out your two front teeth with a hoof to the mouth. 

I ask you to reconsider Mrs. ********.

In conclusion, I think your daughter Justine should work for me because she will learn a lot about lambs and sheep breeding.

Here are some sheep breeding materials that will give you more information as well as some well drawn visuals of the reproductive systems:

http://www.sinosheep.com/

Sincerely,

Roger Podacter

"The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same."

-Stendhal

Hansa 3672 Life Size Giraffe Stuffed Animal

Link: Hansa Life Size Giraffe

 

Driver's Test

Roger to Akshan

Hi,
I saw your ad on-line and see that you need someone to drive you up to Somerset from Pittsburgh for your driver's test.  I make daily trips to and from the Pittsburgh area most weeks which would bring me right near Somerset.  In your posting you say you are looking for a car, unfortunately I only have a truck, but its a small Chevy S-10 pickup.  I figure $50 should cover the cost of the trip and my time.
Let me know what you think

Akshan to Roger

Roger,

Sorry for the late response.
I think a truck should be fine. That's still a non-commercial vehicle.

Just to make sure:
I need someone to drive me there... then I do the driving test in the truck... then I need to be driven back.

If that makes sense, let me know.

Roger to Akshan

Akshan,
Thats great to hear.  It will be no problem at all.  I'll be making three manure deliveries next week to several farms right near Somerset .
Right now I am flexible on what days, so you just let me know which day that you want to pass your test! Ha, I am talking like you already passed, but I know you will.
Just let me know



Akshan to Roger

Roger,

Thursday and Saturday next week work.

Saturday is better since I don't have to miss class but Thursday is manageable too. Either way it would help if I drove the truck around a little bit (maybe practiced parallel parking) before I do my test.

Roger to Akshan

Akshan,
Next Saturday just may work, but I am going to have to level with you.  I am a manure farmer so basically my truck is loaded fuller than a Don Pablo's commode.  I run animal feces up the mountain to local farms along Route 30.  My little S-10 is not quite large enough to accommodate the growth of my business, and I have been forced to use the interior for storage on occasion.
Thankfully, your driver's test is in the spring, because you can only imagine in a night terror how the cab smells on a 95 degree afternoon in July.  No worries though my friend, I keep a bottle of Vick's vapor rub on the dash to put under your nostrils to take some sting out of the smell.
I also wanted to check beforehand to make sure its OK that the truck has no seatbelts.  I removed them last summer after I hit a shed that came out of nowhere, and I had trouble getting out of the car before the fire started..  The cops claimed I was under the influence of alcohol and methamphetamine, but I don't see how they could have smelled anything besides the four and a half tons of  farm slurry (liquid manure) I was hauling in several hundred 2-liter Ginger Ale bottles.
I'll be in the city next week for an AA meeting and to meet with my parole officer, so you can test drive the car and practice your parking then.  You are going to want to wear some older clothes, because I'll be hauling a 3-ton to a farm in Buterl.  And if you can catch a sinus infection between now and next week, you'd be doing your nostrils a favor.
Just let me know,
Roger

Trampoline Tramp

 Roger to Kara

Hello,
I see you have a trampoline that you want to get rid of.  My son Darius
turns 9 today, and I think him and his friends would really love something
like a trampoline for his birthday party coming up this weekend.
Where are you located?
Thanks,
Roger

Kara to Roger

Its the safety net enclosure only.

Roger to Kara

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your ad clearly states that you are selling "a trampoline". Is the ad a mistake?
I'LL BUY THE TRAMPOLINE TOO.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR IT?

Kara to Roger

I m not selling the trampoline

Roger to Darius
 
    Darius,
    I was going to buy a trampoline off this lady (moron), but she isn't selling a trampoline she says now.  I    don't know why she is being so racist, but it looks like we might have to just get a clown or a petting zoo or something for your birthday.
    Sorry,
    Love,
    Dad

Darius to Roger  CC:Kara (with the previous e-mail attached)

DAD!!!  A CLOWN IS SO DUMB! I AM NOT 5!
U TOLD ME U FOUND A TRAMPELENE!!!!!!!  THIS GIRL IS DUMB AND SHE DOESNT EVEN WANT TO SELL IT TO US NOW!?!??!?
WHAT KIND OF LOSER DOES THAT!!!!
TELL HER WE WANT IT OR ELSE

Kara to Roger  CC:Darius

F*** OFF...don t be a cheap ass and go buy 1 from a store (like I did for my son)

Roger to Kara
What kind of way is that to speak to a child!?  Especially on his birthday!   I'm typing this e-mail and my groin is completely soaked.  Soaked from the tears of Darius as he cries on my lap.  You've got some nerve lady.  You post an ad for a trampoline for sale and then you get enraged when I want to buy it.   I don't know if this is a race thing, or you're having marital problems or its just a heavy day, but I don't appreciate you treating my son like you would treat one of your little spawn terrors.
Hopefully our children aren't in the same school district. If they are, then I can only pray that you provided them plenty of your genes so they'll never advance past 3rd grade.
That being said, if you still have the trampoline, I'll give you $60 for it.
Please let me know.
-Roger

Baltimore Road Trip

Roger to Bernard

Good afternoon,
I see you're headed to Baltimore today.  Any chance I can ride along with my son Darius?
Thanks,
Roger

Bernard to Roger
Oh shoot!  I meant to write Sunday!  Just fixed the post.
Would you still be interested in that case?  Plenty of room for 2 people; luggage too if you have it.

-Bernard

Roger to Bernard

Bernard (Saint Bernard! HAHA, i LOVE dogs!),
Sunday, would work as well.  We just need to be there by Monday, I'm not sure if you have a fast car or what.  We don't have much luggage just one bag, but we do have some rather peculiar cargo.  We're headed to Baltimore for the National Livestock Convention outside the city, and my son is an amateur lambsmen.  Thankfully he's only showing one lamb this year, so it won't be difficult to take it to Baltimore in your vehicle.  Bojangles is a six month old ewe, so she's small and could easily fit in the back seat or in your trunk.  She's very loving and well behaved.
The only problem is that she's just reaching her sexual maturity, so she's currently menstruating.  I know this sounds like a bother, but its really not, just part of nature.  I do have diapers that I put on her, but we'd need to stop a few times to change the gauze and allow her to "do her business".
Another small problem is that we just recently ran out of tampons, and I am kind of embarrassed buying them.  So maybe once you pick me up you could also purchase them for me?  I'd be willing to pay for them, I just want someone else to actually go through the checkout.
I know this seems like a lot of trouble, but really Darius and myself are great, fun loving people.  And I have quite a cassette collection of adult contemporary pop that I could bring for the car ride down.
What time are you planning to leave on Sunday?
Thanks,
Roger

Bernard to Roger

Hi! 

Apologies for the late reply, just got back to my computer.
That IS peculiar! 

Where am I picking you up, and where am I dropping you off? 
I'm actually picking up a station wagon, which is why I'll be out there; a friend checked it out and says it's a 'creampuff,' and I need an old US-made car that's cheap to repair!  It's road-ready, Ian tells me; we won't break down mid way.
Just got out of a 2001 volvo in which every minor to moderate repair was $500+ guaranteed, and just rebuilding the transmission doubles the cost of the car.  Sigh. 

I'll be coming from:
*** S****** Dr
********, PA *****

I'll be driving to Towson, MD-- just at the top of beltway/695, where it meets with 83.
Specifically 1 ******** Ct. Towson, MD 21204 if you want to mapquest it.

I'll be leaving around 2pm-- but possibly earlier, too, towards 1pm

Feel free to bring music!
Cassettes will be good-- it's an older car :-)  Maybe I'll use the money I'll be saving on the next hypothetical repair on the volvo I got rid of, and get myself a new stereo for it that takes CDs; but I won't have that on Sunday. 

Obviously I can go a little out of my way to pick you up, and a little out of my way to drop you off at the hotel you're choosing, so let me know where you have in mind?
I think gas & tolls will be $60-$70; I won't be getting great fuel economy.  Maybe you could cover travel costs?  It's less than bus tickets. 
Just to be sure, Bojangles will not soil the car?  I'm not really comfortable buying the tampons but you could use one of those self checkouts at a Giant Eagle.  I'm sure she's adorable, and it'll be a fun story to tell. 
Do you have a number I can reach you at?
-Bernard

Roger to Bernard

St. Bernard!
Good to hear from you again.  Darius is so excited to be able to attend the convention!  He was up all night brushing and playing piano to Bojangles.
I'm still worried about the tampons because I'm not sure that I'll have enough diapers and gauze for the trip.  Judging by her current rates, I'd estimate that we'd need to stop at least 6 times during our journey.
I guess a Giant Eagle self check-out might work, but I am still kind of worried about women seeing me and thinking I am a freak.  I would feel much more comfortable if you would be a pal and do it for me.  Sam's Club carries a box of 300 that should make our trip accident-free.
The convention is not far at all from Towson, so this will work out perfectly.  Its in a town called Hurlock, MD and I checked a map I have and it should only be about 15 or 20 minutes out of the way.
So I have no problem at all paying for the travel costs, but only under one condition.  You allow Darius and I to sit in the front seats and you would be in the back with Bojangles.  She seems to take well to strangers better and she rarely nips at their fingers and ears.
I have several toys and puzzles that you could use to entertain her during the journey.
The only other request that I have is that you talk in a high pitched voice.  This will help to calm Bojangles.  We speak to her in baby talk and I would expect you to do the same.  A few months ago Bojangles broke my father in-law's jaw after he spoke to her with his deep voice.
I know this seems like a lot, but I think it will all be worth it when you see the smile on Darius's face.
I don't have a cell phone, but you can call this number ***-***-**** which goes directly to my pager.  Upon receiving your page I will locate a pay phone and call you immediately.  You can usually expect to hear from me within the same day.
Thanks so much,
Roger

P.S. Darius made a picture for you that he insisted I send you.  He says thank you soo much.

  

Bernard to Roger

Roger, I'm not sure where you 15-20 min from, but I checked mapquest and its over 2 hours out of the way.  30 min or a little more I could do it, but 2 hours is much too far.  Your pager number is not working.
I'm sorry, but I won't be able to give you and Darius a ride :( Please understand.  I really enjoyed his picture and he has some serious talent. :) I hope you can find other means to the convention.
-Bernard

Roger to Bernard
Bernard, you might want to call mapquest.  I am using a real map and its closer than you think.  Maybe your computer has a virus?? 
If you are just making this up because you don't want to buy 300 tampons, then I wish you would just say it.  I've always been honest with you and I feel like you are lying to me.
Darius was crushed when I told him that you don't want to drive us and you don't like lambs.  He was so enraged that he began smashing items in our home, so I had to sit on his legs for an hour until he calmed down.
Have fun listening to the radio on the way down.  I hope your air conditioning breaks and you get four flat tires.
Have a nice life,
Roger

Bernard to Roger

I tried to be very accomodating to your situation, but your last email is nothing but lies. 
I was looking forward to meeting your family and Bojangles, but now I just feel bad for your son.
HIS FATHER IS A LIAR!

Roger to Bernard

I told my son that you hate lambs and he gave me this to send to you:

     

Dane Lovejoy Boxing

Roger to Steve

Hi,
I am only responding to your ad for boxing lessons because I want to absolutely destroy Dane Lovejoy.  He's my neighbor's 19 year old son who constantly hosts rabid get-togethers in his backyard and keeps my wife and I up all night. I've tried nearly every peaceful resolution I can think of, but our quarrel has reached a level where a ruckus is unavoidable.
You may think that I'm just being an unreasonable 44 year old man, but I am quite sane and I have had enough.  This past weekend, my wife was awoken at 3am to find three teenagers defecating in our bird bath and a Kia Soul parked in my front lawn.  Normally, I'd called the cops, but I have priors and I'm not on speaking terms with a lot of the boys in blue.
I just want to learn some basic punches and blocking methods.
Thanks for understanding,
Roger P

Steve to Roger

Hi Roger,
We do not train people to go out be the agressors, as a matter of fact, my guys are not aloud to fight outside the gym. You need to call the boys in blue and dont let you priors stop you from doing whats right. Otherwise you will have another prior. You are more than welcome to come down and see what we are about. feel free to call me anytime!!

Steve *********
******* County Fight Club
***-***-****

Roger to Steve

Steve,
Thanks for your response, I appreciate it.  I don't think you fully understand the situation.  I wouldn't be the aggressor in a confrontation with this kid.  I mean he's defecating in my wife's bird bath for Christ's sake.  I would wait until I caught him doing it again and then strike.
The training I require would be purely for self-defense.  Uppercut methods and melee attacks.  I require no training in blocking, because I'm not very concerned about my own safety, I just want to be able to sit on my back porch and listen to Steely Dan without having to witness two teenagers dry-humping on my rhododendrons.
What night could I come down to see if a class is right for me?
Thanks,
Roger

Steve to Roger

Roger,
We are up there every night except for Sunday. 5pm-7pm
Beating someone up for defacating in your bird bath doesnt make it self defense but I understand why you feel like that.
Steve

Roger to Steve

Steve,
I understand that you might disagree with my self defense idea, but its really pretty simple.  My wife would be my witness and side with me saying that Dane threw a brick at me.
I'm not too worried about the self defense versus assault side to this story, what I am worried about is having my face turned into mashed potatoes by Dane.  He's 19, he is about 6'2 190 and he also has a 2008 Chevy Camaro with these pretty bad ass flames on the side.  I mean, I hate to admit it, but this kid is the real deal.  Honestly, in your professional opinion what are my chances here?
I'm 5'9 ish about 222, but I am Scotch Irish.  Do you think I could train for a week at your club and get in enough body blows to make him stay off my lawn?  Or do I need to try another approach?
I've already inquired about bow staff lessons at a Karate center and my friend Carl used to sell drugs and he thinks he could get steroids for me.  I just don't know if I wanna take that risk with my health and life because my grapes are already closer to blueberries.
-Roger P

Steve to Roger

You're in your 40's and you are going to beat up a kid who it seems like you are jealous of.  You should train to better your health, and getting in fights and using drugs isn't going to do that.
Steve

Roger to Steve (2 weeks later)

Steve! Great news man!  Last night Dane was trying to show off for some girl and totaled his Camaro! He's gonna be in the hospital for weeks, maybe even months.  He is still alive and breathing, but its gonna be tough for him to party in my lawn with no legs!!!!!
Thanks for everything man!  I am gonna go enjoy enjoy a scotch and some UB40 on my porch.
Cheers,
Roger

Karate Lessons

From Roger to Matt **********
Hi,
I feel kind of dumb e-mailing about Karate classes, but I really need to learn some take-downs and weaponry basics.
I'm 41 and I haven't had any sort of formal Karate training other than watching a few Kung-Fu movies (haha, if you count that).
What sort of class would you recommend for my age and experience level?
Gentle Tidings,
Roger

From Matt ********** to Roger

Hello,
Thank you for your interest.  I teach karate and traditional okinawian weaponry, starting with the 6 ft staff.  I am also a long time practioner of judo and am well versed in judo takedowns and ground work.  However I do not teach any judo based takedowns in the adult karate classes.  I am not opposed to teaching them on an alternate night from the karate classes but at this point I do not offer classes in judo/takedowns.  The best thing I can say would be to stop down and watch a class and see if it is for you.  You can take part if you wish.   I offer a free month of instruction to see if it is the right fit.  Classes comprise of conditioning exercises (push ups, sit ups, squats etc) mixed with kicking, punching and footwork.  At some point we will also practice weaponry during class. We recommend new students to pace themselves and work into our routine slowly.  There is no pressure or expectation that new students will jump right in and be familiar with our exercises.   If you would like, private introductory classes can be arranged at no charge if this is a better fit.  As far as a recommendation, I would say visit schools and ask questions.  Early on I was concerned with what style was being taught.  I have learned through experience that the instructor is much more important than the style.  The quality of instruction and the feel of the dojo are what I would be paying attention to.  May I ask what is motivating you to start practicing?

P.S:  Here is the website for our studio. If you look at the pictures you will notice the children's class grappling.  I find that children take to wrestling faster than sparring.  not only are they generally more comfortable but they can grapple with much more effort than with sparring.
matt

From Roger to Matt **********
Matt,
Thanks for emailing me back.  It looks like you know a lot of cool stuff about karate and fights.  The classes you offer sound interesting, but I really have an interest in nun chucks and breaking boards with parts of my body.  I always see this in movies and it seems like something that really impresses women.  I'm a single father and at 41, I'm not getting any younger or hipper.  I attend a Zumba and recreational volleyball league with a co-worker named Karen.  She's 36 and is really great, but I'm not sure how she feels about me.
I don't want to end up in the friend zone, and I feel the only way to avoid that would be to impress her by breaking some boards with my forearms or head.
Do you offer any classes in body part board breaking or at the very least a nun chuck class.
I already have my own set of nun chucks so you wouldn't have to worry about providing them.
Also, I appreciate your information on the children's grappling class, but I'm 41 years and I don't need any help learning how to beat up a kid.
Thanks,
Roger P

From Matt ********** to Roger
hello,
I see little value in board braking (personal opinion). I do not teach it, and the children's grappling class is not for adults, it was just a bit of information about my dojo.  We do teach the nun chucks, however, they are not taught until blue belt.   There is not fixed time frame but blue belt takes  3+ years to reach....  If you want to get in shape and learn the basics of the staff, then I can help you.
I appreciate your interest. Please let me know if i can be of further assistance.
matt

From Roger to Matt ******
You see little value in absolutely destroying a 4 inch piece of maple with your forehead or palm??  Are you kidding me Matt or are you just unable to break a board?
Listen, I'll give you 40 bucks to show me how to karate chop some logs and beat someone with nunchuks.  I just want to catch Karen's eye and let her husband know he has some competition.
-Roger

From Matt ******* to RogerI don't think you understand karate and its teachings.  I teach karate as a method of self defense and self discipline.  I will NOT teach an agressor who has intentions of harming someone else.
I offer introductory classes, which are $50 for 3 basics lessons.  These lessons do not cover breaking boards or nun chucks.
matt

From Roger to Matt ********
Matt,
It sounds to me like you are running a powder puff football camp for teddy bears.  Last time I checked, Bruce Lee didn't kill the bad guys and get the girl after taking a children's grappling class.
Its time you step up and be a man.  I will pay you $60 to teach me to perform 3 of the following moves:
1.  Break a 2 x 4 with my face
2.  Kick someone really hard
3.  Throw a ninja star
4.  Break a man's leg (without using a hockey stick)
5.  Be awesome at nun chucks
6.  Stop a man's heart for a couple of seconds just by touching him gently (not in a gay way)

If you can think of any other cool things you know how to do then send me your ideas.  What time can I come to your dojo?

From Matt ******** to Roger
Roger,
I DO NOT teach aggressors.  The tone of your emails is a violent one.  I am sorry, but I cannot train you.
Thanks for your interest and good luck,
Matt

From Roger to Matt ************
Matt,
I was just kidding around, I don't really want to break Karen's husband's femur.  I was joking man.
Can you teach me please?
Cordially,
Roger
P.S.  I also want to learn how to dislocate a person's hips.

Puppies!

From Roger to Amy

Hi I saw you are selling golden retriever puppies and I definitely would like to get my "paws" on them. ;)  I just know my son Darius would love to come downstairs one morning and find a cute little puppy sleeping on our kitchen island.
How much do you want for one?
 -Roger "Paw"dacter

From Amy to Roger

I am asking $400.00
let me know if you are interested and will send pics
Amy

From Roger to Amy

Amy,
Would it be possible to have one of the dogs this Saturday afternoon?
Thanks,
Roger

From Amy to Roger

Roger...They go to the vet on Saturday for the rest of the shots and wormed. Will check with the vet. What are you looking for?  male or female?

From Roger to Amy

Thanks for getting back to me Amy, actually I don't really have a preference as far as sex goes.
I only have one request really.  I'm a 43 yr old single father of one beautiful boy, and I'm trying to find a mother for that boy.
Last month I joined a Zumba class in order to meet women.  My first night there I met a 23 year old who works in Mount Lebanon named Lindsey. I didn't actually realize how strenuous and difficult Zumba really is, and I doubt I can make it much further.  The first night, I perspired nearly a gallon of sweat, and I was so sore I missed work the next three days. But I haven't actually talked to Lindsey yet, besides asking to borrow her headband.
This leads me to you.  No, I'm not talking about dating you! I hardly know you.  But I think if you could let me "borrow" one of your puppies for Saturday's Zumba class, I could really impress her.  After the class I would have no need for the dog, unless Lindsey decides she wants to date me.
So I would definitely need a dog for Saturday. But I might possibly purchase the dog since Lindsey would be expecting me to own it beyond Saturday.  I couldn't just lie and say it got hit by a car, she would think I am an irresponsible person.
Would it be possible to give you say 25% of the cost on Saturday morning, and then if Lindsey is going to date me, I can give you the other 75%.  Obviously, if she doesn't talk to me, then I would just return the dog to you Saturday after Zumba, and get back my 25%.
I know you may think I am a weirdo. Do you want me to just call you tonight so I can explain more?
Thanks,
Roger

From Amy to Roger

You are insane and should not own any pets! god help your son

From Roger to Amy

I expected you to play hard ball, so I am willing to offer you $800 for the dog.  Obviously I would get this money back if Lindsey is not interested in me.

From Amy to Roger

i dont care if you offered a million. you are not getting one of the dogs whacko!

From Roger to Amy

Ok obviously you are hesitant to lend me one of the dogs in order to help my son have a better childhood.  I have thought of another plan that will not require you to lend me a puppy.
On Saturday you will drive to my Zumba class in Scottdale along with the puppies.  Towards the end of the Zumba class you will enter the dance studio with the puppies and motion for me to come over.
I will leave the class and we will pretend like we are talking (make sure Lindsey sees this).  At this point I will pay you $40 and you can leave with the dogs. 
I will then return to the class crying.  Lindsey will ask me what is wrong and I will inform her that you were just struck by a drunk driver in the parking lot and killed.  She will obviously feel bad for me and try to comfort my aching heart.  At this point I will ask her to come to Dairy Queen with me.
After that we will most likely begin dating and eventually get married.
Obviously I would need your full name and some general information about yourself in order to write up a fake obituary to make her believe the story.
I am willing to negotiate on the $40 fee.
-Roger

From Amy to Roger

**** YOU.

Free Clown Painting

 ORIGINAL AD:

FREE Oil Painting

Mime Painting about 50x50
Bottom left corner reads
'76 Clista

From Dewayne Neederlander

To Brad

Good afternoon,
I was recently browsing Craigslist when I came across your oil painting which you claim is a Clista.  Do you still have it?
Thank you,
Dewayne

From Brad
To Dewayne
sorry got zero responses and threw it out wednesday.

From Dewayne Neederlander

To Brad

Brad, this news is most unfortunate and I hate to be the one to break it to you.  You see that particular painting was Clista's first and has an estimated auction value of over $5,000.  I would have gladly given you quite a bit for it so I could display it in my gallery.

From Brad

To Dewayne Neederlander

suuuuuuuuuure idiot

From Dewayne

To Brad

Laugh all you want Brad, but I'm not the one who potentially threw away $5,000.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART 2

 

From Roger Podacter

To Brad

Greetings, I saw your Clista on-line.  Do you still have the painting? Don't allow yourself to be ripped off for it, I will pay top dollar.

-Roger

From Brad

To Roger

what is special about this guy?  it looked like a kid painted it

From Roger

To Brad

Brad,

Clista was not a guy, she was a little-known female painter who created concrete paintings using abstract methods.  Did you already sell the painting? If so, I hope you got more than $3,000 AT LEAST.

-Roger

From Brad

To Roger

i threw the painting away on wednesday.  where does nyds take collection from woodside 63rdst and 50ave? i still know this is jamie.

From Roger

To Brad

Brad,

Jamie? Please tell me that you didn't throw away an original Clista.  The painting you have is quite valuable if it is indeed a Clista original.  The "clown" painting that you described in your listing is actually Clista's first painting, which she did at the age of 7.  It's not an oil painting as you state, its actually Clista's own fecal matter which she dyed and used.  Hence the painting's name, "The Brown Clown".

From Brad

To Roger

**** you! i knew it

From Roger

To Brad

I GOT YOU SO BAD DUDE!!!

-JAMIE