Job: Stunt Driver Needed

October 8
Roger Podacter:

Good Morning,
I just wanted to formally apply my son for your stunt driver position posted on Craigslist. I see that you are looking for a "professional" stunt driver. Although my son is not a "professional" stunt driver, he has the experience, technical knowledge and pizazz of a professional. He has been involved in 17 amateur stunt videos (1 of which was featured on America's Funniest Home Videos) and 1 made for TV movie. His main areas of stunt expertise are:
Horse stunts
Bow staff fights
Grenade tricks
Somersaults
Razor scooter jumps
Holding breath for a long time
Etc
Please do not hesitate to contact me with questions or if you'd like some references or videos of his work.

I look forward to hearing from you,
Roger

October 9
FROM: Valerie
TO: Roger Podacter

Thank you for your interest. It seems that your son has quite a lot of experience, what we would need for our shoot isn't nearly as dangerous. The stunt involves a barrel roll with a small car.
Are you your son's manager? We'd like to deal with him directly if possible.
Our rates are set at $42/hr and the work would most likely be over a 2-3 day period.
Please have your son submit a resume and references.

Thank you,
Valerie ***********

October 12
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie

Valerie,
Thank you for your prompt response. I see you want to deal with Darius directly, and I can understand that.
Sometimes as a father its tough to take off the training wheels. I've informed my son Darius of your interest in his services and he should be contacting you soon.
Thank you,
Roger

October 12
FROM: Darius Podacter
TO: Valerie

hey my dad told me u want to have me do a car stunt and i want to do it for sure.
-Darius

October 13
From:Valerie
To: Darius

Please send your resume ASAP. I also need references. We've had a hard time finding qualified canidates, so please provide solid references.

October 14
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie
CC: Darius

Valerie,
Darius told me you e-mailed him two days ago. You never copied me on the e-mail, please do so in all future correspondence.
He may be the stuntman, but I'm still his father.

October 14
FROM: Darius
TO: Valerie, Roger

hey i think my dad is mad about ur email to me, hes mad at me too. he wants us to keep his email on the emails too. i can do the car stunt for sure and i think it would be cool if i was on fire while i did the stunt. this is my resume:
i can juggle good
i can do somesaults
i can throw a knife and a sword
i am a green belt
i can do skateboard tricks
i can fake throw-up
i can throw-up for real

i can do more stunts too. when do u want me to crash the car? i can only do it on the weekends or after school on the week and my bedtime is at 9.

-darius

October 14
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie
CC: Darius

Valerie,
I think my son was confused as to which resume you wanted, he's been busy with school (Master's degree). I will get a resume to you by the end of the day today.
Sorry for the inconvience,
Roger

October 14
FROM: Valerie
TO: Roger

I don't think we're interested. Thank you.

October 16
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie

Valerie,
I don't understand your sudden loss of interest? I was unable to send out Darius's resume the other day because we were practicing stunts and had an accident. We were trying out war movie stunts when Darius accidently ingested some mustard gas and lost control of his dirt bike, crashing it into my amateur chemistry laboratory. I was unable to get to my laptop because a massive chemical fire engulfed our home.
Thankfully Darius is going to be fine and can still shoot the car stunt for your film. I've been training Darius as a stuntman since he was 4 years old and now in 2009 he's one of the most gifted 12 year old stuntman in the business.
Please let me know your decision,
Roger

October 19
FROM: Darius Podacter
TO: Valerie

hey girl r u going to let me do the car stunt or not? and u never said if u liked my idea for me to be on fire for the stunt.
my dad promised me u were going to pay me.
-darius
October 20
FROM: Valerie
TO: Roger

You have your little 12 year old boy perform stunts!? I can't even begin to explain how disgusting you are as a parent.
Please do not e-mail me again.

October 21
FROM: Darius Podacter
TO: Valerie

Hey Valerie, its me Darius. I'm not really 12 years old, I'm 18, my dad was just joking around. I hope you are not too upset.
I am very interested in helping you out and doing the car stunt. Please contact me soon and we can arrange a meeting time.
And I know you may not like my dad, but he will have to be there for the meeting because my motorcycle is in the shop so he will be driving me to the meeting. I'll have my dad fax my birth certificate so you know I'm 18.
I do look like I am twelve and talk like I am twelve, but I am definitely not 12. I am 18.

October 21
FROM: Valerie
TO: Roger, Darius

STOP. EMAILING. ME. YOU CHILD ABUSER. I SERIOUSLY HOPE THIS IS A JOKE.

October 22
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie

Valerie,
I'm not a child abuser, my son is 18. But even if he was 12, wouldn't it be kind of cool? My son being a world class stuntman at 12 years old!? Oh, and I love how you assume its child abuse.
Is it child abuse that my son made over $120,000 last year performing stunts??
Is it child abuse that he successfully skiied into a tree at 40mph for last year's Vern Troyer project on the life of Sonny Bono??
Is it child abuse that at the age of 9 he engulfed himself in flames for the movie "Sunnyville: Sun Colony 2045"?
Is it child abuse that he rode an adult siberian tiger for the film adaptation of "Thundercats"?
Is it child abuse that he took a cannonball to the chest for a Mead college-ruled paper commercial?
NO! It's not.
I have been a great father and I'll I'm trying to do is get my son what he deserves.
He is honestly 18. We were just having some fun. Where should I send the resume?
-Roger