Monday, December 21, 2009

Free Clown Painting

 ORIGINAL AD:
FREE Oil Painting
Mime Painting about 50x50
Bottom left corner reads
'76 Clista




From Dewayne Neederlander
To Brad
Good afternoon,
I was recently browsing Craigslist when I came across your oil painting which you claim is a Clista.  Do you still have it?
Thank you,
Dewayne

From Brad
To Dewayne
sorry got zero responses and threw it out wednesday.

From Dewayne Neederlander
To Brad
Brad, this news is most unfortunate and I hate to be the one to break it to you.  You see that particular painting was Clista's first and has an estimated auction value of over $5,000.  I would have gladly given you quite a bit for it so I could display it in my gallery.

From Brad
To Dewayne Neederlander
suuuuuuuuuure idiot

From Dewayne
To Brad
Laugh all you want Brad, but I'm not the one who potentially threw away $5,000.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 2
 

From Roger Podacter
To Brad
Greetings, I saw your Clista on-line.  Do you still have the painting? Don't allow yourself to be ripped off for it, I will pay top dollar.
-Roger

From Brad
To Roger
what is special about this guy?  it looked like a kid painted it

From Roger
To Brad
Brad,
Clista was not a guy, she was a little-known female painter who created concrete paintings using abstract methods.  Did you already sell the painting? If so, I hope you got more than $3,000 AT LEAST.
-Roger

From Brad
To Roger
i threw the painting away on wednesday.  where does nyds take collection from woodside 63rdst and 50ave? i still know this is jamie.

From Roger
To Brad
Brad,
Jamie? Please tell me that you didn't throw away an original Clista.  The painting you have is quite valuable if it is indeed a Clista original.  The "clown" painting that you described in your listing is actually Clista's first painting, which she did at the age of 7.  It's not an oil painting as you state, its actually Clista's own fecal matter which she dyed and used.  Hence the painting's name, "The Brown Clown".

From Brad
To Roger
**** you! i knew it

From Roger
To Brad
I GOT YOU SO BAD DUDE!!!
-JAMIE

Friday, December 18, 2009

World War 2 Collectibles

From Roger Podacter
To Karl

Hi, I saw your thing on-line that you are looking to buy some WW2 stuff.  My dad's father was in WW2, but we're not exactly sure where.  He never did like to talk about it much.  He was killed this past summer in an explosion in his garage which our local police department still hasn't figured out.   We've been slowly going through his personal items the last couple months.  We did find a couple boxes of old war stuff in his attic, but no one in my family is really interested that.  I've been really enjoying a lot of his old pictures and hand tools.
I do have 2 pictures, but I could get more if you like. He had helmets, medals (no trophies), dog tags, a few small daggers and then some misc items (some of which I have no idea about).
I've attached the 2 pictures, when is clearly a helmet for some unit or group.  The other I have no idea about, he's got about 4 of them.
Let me know how much you'd be willing to give for them.  We're really just looking to get rid of them, otherwise they'll just be tossed out.
Thanks,
Roger



From Karl
To Roger

Hi Roger,
Thanks, got the photos. The helmet is a civilian police and the other item looks like a land mine, deactivated I would think.
Do you have any other photos of the other helmets and daggers? If so I'd be very interested in buying them and possibly other items.
Where are you located?

Best Regards,
Karl *******                                                                             

From Roger
To Karl

A LANDMINE!?!?!?  Are you sure? How do I check to make sure its deactivated?  Is it worth more if its active?
I'm located in Somerset, but I could meet you halfway from wherever you are.

From Karl
To Roger

Just be very careful handling it, I need to go out for a few hours, I'll check back about 12:30.
                                                               
From Roger
To Karl

Karl, is there anyway I can tell if its active? I am getting pretty nervous about this. 
I called the detective who is working on my grandfather's case and informed him of the landmines.  They've been looking for the source of the explosion that killed him, and this could be a viable option. 
What is usual lifetime of these things? Could that be possible?
I'm just too nervous and scared, I am moving this thing outside.

From Roger
To Karl

Karl,
Please get back to me as soon as you can. My brother-in-law Dewayne is an ex-marine and is a huge weapon nutjob.  He's out in the yard right now and messing around with it.  Its making me quite nervous. 
I doubt that the thing would still be active and thats what actually killed my grandfather, but I just don't want to take that risk.
-Roger

From Karl
To Roger

Glad it's outside, I'll try to find out what I can. Will be gone until this evening and will check back then.
                                                                        

From Karl
To Roger

Roger,
I hope all is well with the mine. I'm still interested in the other items you have. If you could send some photos of the other helmets and daggers and any metals that look like German I'd appreciated it.
Best Regards,
Karl ******                                                                             


From Roger
To Karl

Karl,
I never should have listened to you and assumed the mine was inactive.  Friday afternoon I was taking some digital photos of some of the war items to send to you, when I was startled by my grandfather's lawnmower puncturing the outer walls of my 2nd story office.  My brother in-law Dewayne was attempting to determine if the land mine was active or not by having his raccoon Kevin run at it and leap onto it. On the first attempt the mine detonated and sent a small shock wave through my grandfather's lawn.  A small shed, an older pick-up, part of the kitchen and living room and a weeping willow were destroyed.  Kevin did not survive the blast.  Dewayne was mostly fine, he's lost hearing in his right ear and had two of his legs sheared off.
Obviously none of this would have been possible without your help.  (I'm being sarcastic).  I'm not going to hold a grudge though, but there is no way I am selling you any of my grandfather's old war items.  These are dangerous if they wind up in untrained hands.  Sorry for my harsh tone, but its been a rough weekend.
-Roger

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Golden Corral Buffet



From Dewayne Neederlander
To Golden Corral

Good afternoon, I am currently dating a beautiful young lady whom I wish to propose to this weekend. I am planning on doing so in your restaurant and I want to make it extra special. My grandma passed away last spring, and she left me her wedding jewelry. I am planning on giving this to Christine. It includes a necklace with opal pendant, a diamond ring and 4 gold bracelets. I would like for your chef to place these items into my girlfriend's food, so it will really surprise her. I would be willing to pay your chef extra to do so. I've seen this done in movies all the time and I would really like to give her a Hollywood moment.

From Becky
To Dewayne

Thank you for contacting our Millbrook Road Raleigh Golden Corral location.  We appreciate your comments and will forward them to the proper channels.  You asked about our menu selections, the following link will guide you through all our delicious selections:
Golden Corral Menu Items
Thank you for contacting the Golden Corral customer service department, and have a great day!
-Becky ************

From Dewayne
To Becky
Becky,
I don't think you understood my request.  I want to propose to my girlfriend Christine this weekend, and I need to set-up the perfect way to do it.  I know she loves your restaurant, so I just need a chef or waitress or whoever from your restaurant to meet me before our dinner and place 5 jewelry items in her food.
Then she will find the items while eating and say "yes" to marry me.
Please respond soon,
Dewayne

From Becky
To Dewayne
Thank you for request at our Millbrook Road Raleigh Golden Corral location.  We appreciate your patronage and though we strive to meet all of our customers' needs, we cannot handle a request of this nature.  Our restaurant is a buffett, so we would be risking the other customer's safety by placing foreign objects into our food.  Thank you for contacting the Golden Corral customer service department, and have a great day!
-Becky ************

From Dewayne
To Becky
Becky,
I don't think you're understanding me here.  You need to help me, and if you aren't the one with the power please put me in contact with someone who can.  Maybe a cook's phone number? Or the manager's e-mail address?
I am willing to pay extra to have the ring baked into some meatloaf, and the bracelets into onion rings.  I already told her we are going to Golden Corral, so I can't change plans.  But if you are unwilling to help me, then I will be forced to go with Plan B.
This involves my brother in-law Roger's son Darius. He is only 8, but is a well seasoned amateur stuntkid.  He will create a diversion outside the restaurant by faking his own suicide.  Once all of your patrons are outside and witnessing Darius teetering on the edge of the roof, he will quickly leap into an air duct.  He will then rappel from the ceiling through the duct directly above our table.  Then deliver the ring in box to Christine.  At this point we will have peace and quiet and the whole restaurant to ourselves, since the majority of your customers will be outside worried about Darius.
I'd rather not risk Darius's life with Plan B, so please help me out.


From Richard
To Dewayne

We have no problem with you proposing to your girlfriend in any of our restaurants, but it is completely unacceptable for you to do it in any of the scenarios you outlined in your previous e-mails.  These scenarios would all be a serious safety risk and a potential hazard to all of our staff and customers.
All of your previous e-mails have been cataloged as well as your IP address.  If you have any further questions please don't hesitate to contact me at ***-***-****.
Richard ***********
Golden Corral Corporation
5151 Glenwood Ave.
Raleigh, NC 27612

Monday, December 14, 2009

Camper Wheel n' Deal



From Roger Podacter
To Dan


I saw you are looking for an old junk trailer.  I have an old junk trailer you can definitely have.  Its about 14 or 16ft and its been sitting next to my house for about 10 years.  Please come take it, this thing is an eyesore.
I'm located in Hunker, PA.  If you are gonna take it you are going to need help, but I am not going to help.
Let me know if you are interested.
Roger

From Dan
To Roger


Interested-what kind of trailer is it? Camping trailor,pop-up,flat trailor?Can it be towed?If you could send a pic i would know better what i am dealing with.I hate it with all of the questions,but I live in Leechburg,so it would be a little haul to get it home. Any title? Thanks. My cell # is ***-**-****. Dan.

From Roger
To Dan


Its definitely a camping trailer.  Its huge and really gets my blood boiling every morning it sits near my house.  The thing has honestly been there 10 plus years and I've never even seen them use it.
I'll try and get a picture today.

From Dan
To Roger


Is it towable?

From Roger
To Dan


It definitely is and its right in the driveway. But he's got it on concrete blocks right now, and it looks like the back tire is a little flat.

From Dan
To Roger


so it's not yours?

From Roger
To Dan


well its my neighbors.  but the guy is completely lazy. that thing has been sitting there forever!  he probably just hasn't gotten up off his lazy ass to move it.  I rarely see him doing any yardwork or home improvements.  the only time I see him is when he's wife is loading him into their van.
you could probably fix this thing up and it'd be like new.  you just need to make sure you come while his wife is at work or sometime late at night.
honestly, this thing is a black-eye on the neighborhood, and i know a lot of the neighbors would appreciate it.

From Dan
To Roger


I understand,but i don't think i would need any hassle . Thanks.

From Roger
To Dan


Wait Dan, just listen.  If you're worried about getting caught its not really something to worry about.  Ned's wife is the breadwinner and works all the time.  You could easily get the trailer anytime during the day.  Ned is home all day, but even if he spots you it won't matter.  His driveway is stone and he is in a wheelchair.

From Dan
To Roger

Ya, but there is still the phone and the police.Thanks anyway.

From Roger
To Dan


Dan, we just need to work out the details.  I didn't even think of the phone, nice catch.
Here's what we could:
1.  We set-up a pre-arranged time to make the swipe.  You'll need a truck with hitch and at least 2-3 helpers/henchmen.
2.  We meet in my den and dress/hand-out walkie talkies.  All black shirts, pants, gloves, shoes and ski caps.
3.  By this point in our plan I have already installed a zip-line from my bedroom window to his house.  I zip down to his house undetected and scale the roof.  I then cut the phone and power lines to his house.
4.  At this point you and your crew will have about 3 hours to safely remove the trailer before Ned is able to use his arms and mouth to crawl out of the house and shout for help.

A couple things:
 - I will try and do some recon in the next couple days to determine if he owns a cell phone.  This would be a set-back, but not a deal-breaker.  In the event he has a cell phone, we'll just need one more guy to breach the front door with a battering ram, throw 2 flash bang grenades and smash the phone the moment we cut the power and phone lines.
- If at any point we are caught, you cannot mention my name or our association.

Now that we have all the bases covered with a full-proof plan I will call you around 1pm so we can set-up a date.  Also, you should start gathering some men for the team.

From Dan
To Roger


Why not ask them if they would want it gone? You have someone to get rid of it for them. That would be a lot easier than your completely illegal plan.

SENT 2 DAYS LATER

From Roger
To Dan


No need for your help now.  Ned died last night so the trailer will be scraped or sold soon I would imagine.  He was caroling in our neighborhood when his group came to my house.  My driveway is quite steep and his wheelchair couldn't handle it.  He lost control and streaked down my driveway and directly into my wife's Mitsubishi Galant, crushing his skull into the passenger door.
He died on impact.  The car damage was nearly $2,000 and after some haggling his wife is going to pay half.   Let me know if you're still interested in the trailer, and we could develop a new plan.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dog Trainer



From: Roger
To: Gary


Hi, I  saw your ad on-line for dog training services.  I was wondering if you train other animals as well?

Thanks,
Roger


From: Gary
To: Roger


Thank you for your email.  Unfortunately, the only animals I have certification to train are dogs.  I'm assuming you have a horse that you are looking to break.  I do know some collegues who break horses if you are interested.  



From: Roger
To: Gary

Gary,
Thanks for your response, but I really need a fish trainer.  I am planning on proposing to my girlfriend Janelle, and I really want to make it special.  She loves animals, especially her goldfish Lucille.  She is named after Lucille Ball, but I actually think the fish is a male, I just haven't had the heart to tell her.  I'm a doctor, so I can usually tell.
I just purchased the engagement ring last week, and I'd like to propose around Christmas.  I just need someone to train Lucille to hold the ring in his mouth and then jump from his tank onto Janelle's lap while we are watching Friends.  Then I can pop the question.
I've been trying to save money and train the fish myself, but so far all I can get it to do is nibble the ring.
-Roger

From: Gary
To: Roger

That's the best one I've heard this week.  Good Luck joker.


From: Roger
To:  Gary

I am not joking Gary.  I really need a fish trainer, because I love my girlfriend.  E-mail me your collegues contact information.  Hopefully they are nicer than you are.


From: Roger
To:  Gary

Hey numbskull! You gonna e-mail those contacts over to me or what?!
 
From: Gary
To: Roger

You insult me and expect me to play your and send you contacts?   ***hole


From: Roger
To:  Gary

Gary, thanks for nothing!  Thanks to you my life is in ruins.  I spent the last 2 weeks working with Lucille 8 hours a day.  Last night, I felt confident enough that the fish was finally ready.  Janelle and I began to watch "Remember the Titans" on Blu-Ray DVD.   Before she got home from work I removed the ring from its box and placed it into Lucille's mouth for safe keeping.   I watched intently, and Lucille waited for the signal.  Right as the brick goes through Coach Boone's window, I watched Lucille leap from the tank. 
What I didn't realize was that my cat Colonel Pumpenfunkels had been scouting every training session I had with Lucille.  I watched in horror as Colonel Pumpenfunkels launched himself onto the couch and snared Lucille out of the air and down his mouth.  I immediately lunged for my cat who had just swallowed my girlfriend's $8,000 engagement ring, and Janelle began to tear up at the loss of her fish. 
Colonel Pumpenfunkels was able to out-maneuver me, and ran out the window.  I immediately chased him outside and into the neighbor's lawn.  I frantically grabbed and dove trying to snag him and his $8,000 meal.  Finally, I figured I had him cornered at my neighbor's fence, but he clawed his way right up the side and over the top.  Unfortunately, Colonel Pumpenfunkels didn't realize that my neighbor Chris was in the process of doing some yardwork, and Colonel Pumpenfunkels fell right into an industrial wood chipper.
I was unable to find the ring, and the cat and goldfish were mince meat.  I understand you aren't exactly my biggest fan right now, but I just adopted a 7 week old border collie named Horatio.  I want to try the same proposal arrangement but this time using the dog.  I was wondering if you would be willing to train him.
-Roger

From: Gary
To: Roger

STOP E-MAILING ME YOU SICK ****