Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Target: Dickies
Web-Site: http://www.dickies.com
What they sell: Pants
Date: January 26, 2008



I just wanted to let you guys know that I was wearing my Dickie's LP643 Industrial Double Knee Work Pants the other day while weed whacking my yard. My son Walter was mowing the lawn while I was working. As I casually walked the grounds weed whacking I heard a loud zip. Suddenly my back right calf was struck and I went down in a heap.

Once I regained my bearings I realized that my leg had been struck by a whirling lawn mower blade which had just broken off the mower. Luckily I was wearing my Dickies and their thickness was the only thing that saved my leg and will enable me to jog 4 miles this morning. I think the blade was actually bent by impact with the pants, but I have not had this confirmed by an unbiased source.


Thank you for your email. We are happy to hear you are all right. I
have forwarded this email to the proper channel.

Best regards,

P*** W********
Customer Service Rep.
Williamson-Dickie Mfg. Co.
817-336-**** ext.****

Who exactly is the proper channel for e-mails concerning lawn mower blades striking a customer in the legs while wearing Dickies?

Olive Garden

Olive Garden
Web-Site: http://www.olivegarden.com
What they sell: Spaghetti
Date: January 21, 2008


On New Year's day, i was fortunate enough to land a date with a very beautiful young madam I had been attempting to court for quite sometime. My parents were visiting my grandparents in Louisville, KY, so I had the whole house and car to myself.

At 5 pm I picked Melanie up in my dad's Windstar. We arrived at Olive Garden at 6pm, and enjoyed an absolutely incredible meal. I sparred no expense and feasted on everything from salad to breadsticks. Our conversation was delightful and we were really hitting it off. Our server was very polite and didn't even mention anything when she came to the table after I had accidentally shattered a salt shaker on the table top. The food was absolutely delicious. I had the salad and breadsticks and Melanie had some kind of alfredo thing. Both of us loved every morsel. I tried to order 3 more orders of breadsticks before we left and then get them to go, but I guess that is against policy, which is fine, I understand. But they are soooo good! Seriously, I love them. :)

After dinner we went up the street to Carmike Cinemas and had a wonderful time watching National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets. The picture quality was outstanding and I believe the theater had Dolby digital surround sound. The popcorn was kind of stale, and Nicolas Cage's character wasn't believable. After the movie we went back to my dad's house where I already had arranged some roses at the door. That night we rotated between listening to music, munching on our Olive Garden and making out on my dad's bed.


Dear Zigmund:

It's a rare person who takes the time to compliment. Thank you for being that person!

We know you have a choice when it comes to selecting a restaurant, and we appreciate your having chosen us. Our ongoing commitment is treating you like a valued member of the Olive Garden family.


Olive Garden Guest Relations

Monday, March 30, 2009


Target: Band-Aid
Web-Site: http://www.bandaid.com
What they sell: Band-Aids
Date: January 18, 2008


11:37 AM

Good day, my name is Zealous Goder and I have a general question.

Hypothetically speaking, if someone was putting in a new hot tub in their home, and accidentally slipped and skinned a radial arm saw (turned off) with their left arm causing a 6 inch gash, would this require a doctor's attention or would a band-aid just be fine?

The cut is maybe .5 inch deep and is a greenish color. The area around my arm is swollen and my wrist up until my armpit is a tint of blue. I originally put a 10oz porterhouse on the wound, because I heard that helps to reduce swelling, but I think the meat was old or rotten, because I have been experiencing weakness at my joints and bow legs which are the early tell tale signs of Ricketts.

I have also been falling in and out of consciousness at random times during the day, actually twice while typing this e-mail. Should I just continue the treatment of Band-Aids, 10oz Porterhouses and vinegar or should I consult a medical professional.

I would appreciate a response within the hour, because I am really losing a lot of blood.



Dear Zealous:

Thank you for contacting the Johnson & Johnson Consumer Companies, Inc. Information Center. It is always important to hear from our consumers, and we appreciate the time you have taken to contact us.

We appreciate the trust you have shown in us by asking us your question. However, the information we can provide is specific to our products only. Therefore, we cannot assist you in this matter. We recommend that you contact your doctor for guidance. Your doctor can best advise you based on relevant health circumstances and history.

Again, thank you for your interest in our company. Should you have any comments or questions in the future, please contact us via our website or by calling our toll-free number, 1-888-638-5242. Our specialists are available Monday through Friday between 8 AM and 5 PM EST and will be happy to assist you.


Sunday, March 29, 2009

Eat n' Park

Target: Eat n' Park
Web-Site: http://www.eatnpark.com
What they sell: Denny's food
Date: January 22, 2008


I had a great experience at your Greensburg Eat n' Park location last Saturday. I took my son Jacob there after his volleyball tournament. As you can imagine he smelled quite a bit, but the server was so kind she provided him with several wet naps in order to freshen up.

Our meal was unbelievable, and they were very flexible with our order. I really wanted some barbecue spare ribs, but they weren't on the menu. I asked just for the heck of it, and the server said that would be fine. 15 minutes later I was enjoying some delicious ribs and a large coke. We had a blast and really enjoyed the atmosphere. After our meal we went home and I tucked Jacob in.
The next morning I found him dead in my lawn.
He had been attacked by a lion.


Target: Quiznos
Web-Site: http://www.quiznos.com
What they sell: Sandwiches
Date: January 14, 2008


Good afternoon, I just wanted to let you know that I love your food and your people. The other day I had a sub and a drink. It was the best Coca-Cola I have ever had in my life. Even my son Darius commented on its taste. We ate our sandwiches together and talked about how much we love each other and your food.
After our meal we rode our bikes home and watched some VHS videos of my wife giving birth.

Saturday, March 28, 2009


Target: Nerf
Web-Site: http://www.hasbro.com/nerf/en-US/
What they sell: Weapons for children
Date: January 11, 2008

Question Reference #080111-000021


Nerf Products

Product Level 1:


Product Level 2:

Nerf Misc.

Category Level 1:


Date Created:

01/11/2008 08:27 AM

Last Updated:

01/11/2008 08:27 AM



Customer (Zigmund)

01/11/2008 08:27 AM

Ever since I was a kid I've loved Nerf products. I remember playing with Nerf guns at my grandparents house and having a blast. We would use chairs and couches to hunker down in our blanket forts. Pitting child vs. child in an all-out foam assault. Though we had a blast, there was always something missing. And I think that something was a canon.

You guys should make a Nerf canon that shoots Nerf canon balls. The balls would need to be about the size of a basketball in order to be effective against an enemy. I have designed the canon with some rough sketches and a 3D model in AutoCAD. The canon would need to be roughly 10 ft long and have small 13 inch wheels in order to move it quickly during a retreat or a Blitzkrieg assault.

After doing some testing I also determined that a 10 inch Nerf canon ball would provide enough weight to knock over an 8 yr old. I have not yet determined the means of propulsion, but I think either pump action or a small amount of gunpowder would do the trick. If you have any interest in the plans please e-mail me, and I can send them along. I require no monetary compensation, my reward will come on the battlefield.

Discussion Thread Auto-Response

01/11/2008 08:27 AM

These answers were automatically selected for your consideration. If your issue is addressed in our FAQs, a link to the answer will be given. If no answers are listed or the answers do not match your question, then there were no answers matching your issue.


A Consumer Affairs Representative will respond to you.

Customer (Zigmund)

01/18/2008 09:41 AM

I am guessing by the lack of a response that you guys aren't interested. I guess I'll take my idea to the dude that makes Oxi-Clean.

Discussion Thread Response (Veronica)

01/18/2008 11:17 AM

Hi Zigmund,

Thanks for contacting us with your idea for a new product. We apologize for the delay in responding to your email.

We appreciate your taking the time to contact us about what you have envisioned, but we are not permitted to consider your idea for the product line.

As you can imagine, each year we receive many inquiries such as yours, and while we like to hear from our friends, we must decline to accept any unsolicited idea for consideration or review.

At Hasbro, our employees are dedicated to making consumers like YOU smile. While we cannot consider your idea for legal reasons, we want you to know that we will continue to work (and play) toward our goal of making you and your family smile whenever you play with a Hasbro product.

Don't get discouraged...keep being creative and enthusiastic.

We would like to take this opportunity to say thank you for being a Hasbro consumer. We hope you will continue to enjoy our product for many years to come.

Friday, March 27, 2009


Target: Tanqueray
Web-site: www.tanqueray.com
What they sell: Gin
Date: January 10, 2008


Subject: Thanks!
From: Roger Podacter
Thu, Jan 10, 2008 at 5:56 PM
To: Tanqueray@consumer-care.net

Hey Tanqueray! I just wanted to thank you guys for my night last night. I bought a bottle of Tanqueray and slammed it with my buds. Next thing I know, I wake up with this chick that is wayyyyy to hot for me.......niiiiice. Apparently we guzzled the bottle of Tanqueray, walked to the local bar, then I picked up this chick and then we partook in intercourse in her bedroom.

I just wanna thank you guys for making me the man I am today. I think I got her preggers though.... :(

Roger W. Podacter Sr


Dear Mr. Roger Podacter,

Thank you for taking time to contact Tanqueray. We appreciate hearing from
our consumers because your feedback is important.

Of course, we recommend responsible drinking. Although we do appreciate
your enthusiasm.

Once again, thank you for contacting Tanqueray.


Jack C
Tanqueray Consumer Representative


What they sell:
Automobiles and Robots
January 30, 2008


Good afternoon,
I am currently souping up my 2004 Toyota Camry by transforming it into a complete asphalt demon. I removed the engine and did a complete overhaul. I am trying to get it to max out around 450hp when all is said and done. I was also able to shed 60lbs of weight from the car by removing "comfort parts" such as the spare tire, back seats, air bags and seat belts. I know I should have asked this sooner, but will this void my warranty?

I also removed the roof and I am in the process of turning it into a convertible so that I can take advantage in the summer.


Thank you for contacting Toyota Motor Sales, U.S.A., Inc.

We apologize; we do not recommend or assist with modifying our vehicles from their original factory specifications.

Modifications could affect the vehicle’s performance, safety or durability, and may violate government regulations. In addition, damage or performance problems resulting from the modification will not be covered under warranty.

Your email has been documented at our National Headquarters under file #200801161096.

If we can be of further assistance, please feel free to contact us.

Darrius B*****

Toyota Customer Experience

Jared: The Galleria of Jewelry

Jared: The Galleria of Jewelry
What they sell:
Tokens for men to redeem for sex
January 27, 2008


Hi, my name is Jared Masterson. I was wondering who the male actor was in your commercial that ran during the holiday season. He was a short dark haired gentleman, who had a smokin' hot wife who was way outta his league. Actually the commercial was completely unbelievable.

Also, why did he crouch down to view the jewelry? The display case is made entirely of glass which enables one to view the contents easily from above while standing. Anyway, I am a casting agent looking to hire that gentleman for an upcoming tv spot I am doing for Zales. If you could please send me the actor's name and some headshots, I would really appreciate it. Thanks.

Jared: The Galleria of Jewelry RESPONSE:
Dear Jared,

Thank you for your email. I apologize, but I am unable to provide you with the information you are requesting. We use an outside advertising agency and that information is proprietary and cannot be shared.


Dee C*****

Your customer service representative is:Dee C*****

Summary: Customer Relations at Jared

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Universal Studios Florida

Universal Studios Florida
What they do: Sell tickets so people can enjoy Men in Black in 3D

Date: January 17, 2008


You guys should make a ride for your park in the theme of the movie Titanic. You could sell 1st class, 2nd class and Steerage tickets for the ride and really collect some serious profits. You would have the passengers enter the ride and go to their cabin. Then the ship would hit a "fake iceberg" and begin to sink. Riders would then be thrown into a life or death struggle as they claw and scrape to got to the deck and off the boat.

The ride would be really intense and people would be scared, so I would recommend a minimum rider age of at least 9. But that is up to you, because no matter the age, women and children would be allowed off the ride first.

Cheap riders and thrill seekers would really get a rush by purchasing tickets for the steerage cabins. They would be so scared of death and just as the water level got up to their lips they would wake up and realize they are just in a 3D holographic thrill ride with Dolby surround sound. But then they would really wake up and they were actually in their studio apartment in downtown Cleveland and nowhere near Universal Studios Florida.

How did I think of this great idea? Well, I'm actually a cyborg developed by the US government and trained to think of sweet ideas. If you guys like this idea, let me know.

Universal Studios Florida Response: