Friday, April 30, 2010

Trampoline Tramp

 Roger to Kara

I see you have a trampoline that you want to get rid of.  My son Darius
turns 9 today, and I think him and his friends would really love something
like a trampoline for his birthday party coming up this weekend.
Where are you located?

Kara to Roger

Its the safety net enclosure only.

Roger to Kara

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your ad clearly states that you are selling "a trampoline". Is the ad a mistake?

Kara to Roger

I m not selling the trampoline

Roger to Darius

    I was going to buy a trampoline off this lady (moron), but she isn't selling a trampoline she says now.  I    don't know why she is being so racist, but it looks like we might have to just get a clown or a petting zoo or something for your birthday.

Darius to Roger  CC:Kara (with the previous e-mail attached)


Kara to Roger  CC:Darius

F*** OFF...don t be a cheap ass and go buy 1 from a store (like I did for my son)

Roger to Kara
What kind of way is that to speak to a child!?  Especially on his birthday!   I'm typing this e-mail and my groin is completely soaked.  Soaked from the tears of Darius as he cries on my lap.  You've got some nerve lady.  You post an ad for a trampoline for sale and then you get enraged when I want to buy it.   I don't know if this is a race thing, or you're having marital problems or its just a heavy day, but I don't appreciate you treating my son like you would treat one of your little spawn terrors.
Hopefully our children aren't in the same school district. If they are, then I can only pray that you provided them plenty of your genes so they'll never advance past 3rd grade.
That being said, if you still have the trampoline, I'll give you $60 for it.
Please let me know.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Baltimore Road Trip

Roger to Bernard

Good afternoon,
I see you're headed to Baltimore today.  Any chance I can ride along with my son Darius?

Bernard to Roger

Oh shoot!  I meant to write Sunday!  Just fixed the post.
Would you still be interested in that case?  Plenty of room for 2 people; luggage too if you have it.


Roger to Bernard

Bernard (Saint Bernard! HAHA, i LOVE dogs!),
Sunday, would work as well.  We just need to be there by Monday, I'm not sure if you have a fast car or what.  We don't have much luggage just one bag, but we do have some rather peculiar cargo.  We're headed to Baltimore for the National Livestock Convention outside the city, and my son is an amateur lambsmen.  Thankfully he's only showing one lamb this year, so it won't be difficult to take it to Baltimore in your vehicle.  Bojangles is a six month old ewe, so she's small and could easily fit in the back seat or in your trunk.  She's very loving and well behaved.
The only problem is that she's just reaching her sexual maturity, so she's currently menstruating.  I know this sounds like a bother, but its really not, just part of nature.  I do have diapers that I put on her, but we'd need to stop a few times to change the gauze and allow her to "do her business".
Another small problem is that we just recently ran out of tampons, and I am kind of embarrassed buying them.  So maybe once you pick me up you could also purchase them for me?  I'd be willing to pay for them, I just want someone else to actually go through the checkout.
I know this seems like a lot of trouble, but really Darius and myself are great, fun loving people.  And I have quite a cassette collection of adult contemporary pop that I could bring for the car ride down.
What time are you planning to leave on Sunday?

Bernard to Roger


Apologies for the late reply, just got back to my computer.
That IS peculiar! 

Where am I picking you up, and where am I dropping you off? 
I'm actually picking up a station wagon, which is why I'll be out there; a friend checked it out and says it's a 'creampuff,' and I need an old US-made car that's cheap to repair!  It's road-ready, Ian tells me; we won't break down mid way.
Just got out of a 2001 volvo in which every minor to moderate repair was $500+ guaranteed, and just rebuilding the transmission doubles the cost of the car.  Sigh. 

I'll be coming from:
*** S****** Dr
********, PA *****

I'll be driving to Towson, MD-- just at the top of beltway/695, where it meets with 83.
Specifically 1 ******** Ct. Towson, MD 21204 if you want to mapquest it.

I'll be leaving around 2pm-- but possibly earlier, too, towards 1pm

Feel free to bring music!
Cassettes will be good-- it's an older car :-)  Maybe I'll use the money I'll be saving on the next hypothetical repair on the volvo I got rid of, and get myself a new stereo for it that takes CDs; but I won't have that on Sunday. 

Obviously I can go a little out of my way to pick you up, and a little out of my way to drop you off at the hotel you're choosing, so let me know where you have in mind?
I think gas & tolls will be $60-$70; I won't be getting great fuel economy.  Maybe you could cover travel costs?  It's less than bus tickets. 
Just to be sure, Bojangles will not soil the car?  I'm not really comfortable buying the tampons but you could use one of those self checkouts at a Giant Eagle.  I'm sure she's adorable, and it'll be a fun story to tell. 
Do you have a number I can reach you at?

Roger to Bernard

St. Bernard!
Good to hear from you again.  Darius is so excited to be able to attend the convention!  He was up all night brushing and playing piano to Bojangles.
I'm still worried about the tampons because I'm not sure that I'll have enough diapers and gauze for the trip.  Judging by her current rates, I'd estimate that we'd need to stop at least 6 times during our journey.
I guess a Giant Eagle self check-out might work, but I am still kind of worried about women seeing me and thinking I am a freak.  I would feel much more comfortable if you would be a pal and do it for me.  Sam's Club carries a box of 300 that should make our trip accident-free.
The convention is not far at all from Towson, so this will work out perfectly.  Its in a town called Hurlock, MD and I checked a map I have and it should only be about 15 or 20 minutes out of the way.
So I have no problem at all paying for the travel costs, but only under one condition.  You allow Darius and I to sit in the front seats and you would be in the back with Bojangles.  She seems to take well to strangers better and she rarely nips at their fingers and ears.
I have several toys and puzzles that you could use to entertain her during the journey.
The only other request that I have is that you talk in a high pitched voice.  This will help to calm Bojangles.  We speak to her in baby talk and I would expect you to do the same.  A few months ago Bojangles broke my father in-law's jaw after he spoke to her with his deep voice.
I know this seems like a lot, but I think it will all be worth it when you see the smile on Darius's face.
I don't have a cell phone, but you can call this number ***-***-**** which goes directly to my pager.  Upon receiving your page I will locate a pay phone and call you immediately.  You can usually expect to hear from me within the same day.
Thanks so much,

P.S. Darius made a picture for you that he insisted I send you.  He says thank you soo much.

Bernard to Roger

Roger, I'm not sure where you 15-20 min from, but I checked mapquest and its over 2 hours out of the way.  30 min or a little more I could do it, but 2 hours is much too far.  Your pager number is not working.
I'm sorry, but I won't be able to give you and Darius a ride :( Please understand.  I really enjoyed his picture and he has some serious talent. :) I hope you can find other means to the convention.

Roger to Bernard
Bernard, you might want to call mapquest.  I am using a real map and its closer than you think.  Maybe your computer has a virus?? 
If you are just making this up because you don't want to buy 300 tampons, then I wish you would just say it.  I've always been honest with you and I feel like you are lying to me.
Darius was crushed when I told him that you don't want to drive us and you don't like lambs.  He was so enraged that he began smashing items in our home, so I had to sit on his legs for an hour until he calmed down.
Have fun listening to the radio on the way down.  I hope your air conditioning breaks and you get four flat tires.
Have a nice life,

Bernard to Roger

I tried to be very accomodating to your situation, but your last email is nothing but lies. 
I was looking forward to meeting your family and Bojangles, but now I just feel bad for your son.

Roger to Bernard

I told my son that you hate lambs and he gave me this to send to you:

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Dane Lovejoy Boxing

Roger to Steve

I am only responding to your ad for boxing lessons because I want to absolutely destroy Dane Lovejoy.  He's my neighbor's 19 year old son who constantly hosts rabid get-togethers in his backyard and keeps my wife and I up all night. I've tried nearly every peaceful resolution I can think of, but our quarrel has reached a level where a ruckus is unavoidable.
You may think that I'm just being an unreasonable 44 year old man, but I am quite sane and I have had enough.  This past weekend, my wife was awoken at 3am to find three teenagers defecating in our bird bath and a Kia Soul parked in my front lawn.  Normally, I'd called the cops, but I have priors and I'm not on speaking terms with a lot of the boys in blue.
I just want to learn some basic punches and blocking methods.
Thanks for understanding,
Roger P

Steve to Roger

Hi Roger,
We do not train people to go out be the agressors, as a matter of fact, my guys are not aloud to fight outside the gym. You need to call the boys in blue and dont let you priors stop you from doing whats right. Otherwise you will have another prior. You are more than welcome to come down and see what we are about. feel free to call me anytime!!

Steve *********
******* County Fight Club

Roger to Steve

Thanks for your response, I appreciate it.  I don't think you fully understand the situation.  I wouldn't be the aggressor in a confrontation with this kid.  I mean he's defecating in my wife's bird bath for Christ's sake.  I would wait until I caught him doing it again and then strike.
The training I require would be purely for self-defense.  Uppercut methods and melee attacks.  I require no training in blocking, because I'm not very concerned about my own safety, I just want to be able to sit on my back porch and listen to Steely Dan without having to witness two teenagers dry-humping on my rhododendrons.
What night could I come down to see if a class is right for me?

Steve to Roger

We are up there every night except for Sunday. 5pm-7pm
Beating someone up for defacating in your bird bath doesnt make it self defense but I understand why you feel like that.

Roger to Steve

I understand that you might disagree with my self defense idea, but its really pretty simple.  My wife would be my witness and side with me saying that Dane threw a brick at me.
I'm not too worried about the self defense versus assault side to this story, what I am worried about is having my face turned into mashed potatoes by Dane.  He's 19, he is about 6'2 190 and he also has a 2008 Chevy Camaro with these pretty bad ass flames on the side.  I mean, I hate to admit it, but this kid is the real deal.  Honestly, in your professional opinion what are my chances here?
I'm 5'9 ish about 222, but I am Scotch Irish.  Do you think I could train for a week at your club and get in enough body blows to make him stay off my lawn?  Or do I need to try another approach?
I've already inquired about bow staff lessons at a Karate center and my friend Carl used to sell drugs and he thinks he could get steroids for me.  I just don't know if I wanna take that risk with my health and life because my grapes are already closer to blueberries.
-Roger P

Steve to Roger

You're in your 40's and you are going to beat up a kid who it seems like you are jealous of.  You should train to better your health, and getting in fights and using drugs isn't going to do that.

Roger to Steve (2 weeks later)

Steve! Great news man!  Last night Dane was trying to show off for some girl and totaled his Camaro! He's gonna be in the hospital for weeks, maybe even months.  He is still alive and breathing, but its gonna be tough for him to party in my lawn with no legs!!!!!
Thanks for everything man!  I am gonna go enjoy enjoy a scotch and some UB40 on my porch.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Karate Lessons

From Roger to Matt **********
I feel kind of dumb e-mailing about Karate classes, but I really need to learn some take-downs and weaponry basics.
I'm 41 and I haven't had any sort of formal Karate training other than watching a few Kung-Fu movies (haha, if you count that).
What sort of class would you recommend for my age and experience level?
Gentle Tidings,

From Matt ********** to Roger
Thank you for your interest.  I teach karate and traditional okinawian weaponry, starting with the 6 ft staff.  I am also a long time practioner of judo and am well versed in judo takedowns and ground work.  However I do not teach any judo based takedowns in the adult karate classes.  I am not opposed to teaching them on an alternate night from the karate classes but at this point I do not offer classes in judo/takedowns.  The best thing I can say would be to stop down and watch a class and see if it is for you.  You can take part if you wish.   I offer a free month of instruction to see if it is the right fit.  Classes comprise of conditioning exercises (push ups, sit ups, squats etc) mixed with kicking, punching and footwork.  At some point we will also practice weaponry during class. We recommend new students to pace themselves and work into our routine slowly.  There is no pressure or expectation that new students will jump right in and be familiar with our exercises.   If you would like, private introductory classes can be arranged at no charge if this is a better fit.  As far as a recommendation, I would say visit schools and ask questions.  Early on I was concerned with what style was being taught.  I have learned through experience that the instructor is much more important than the style.  The quality of instruction and the feel of the dojo are what I would be paying attention to.  May I ask what is motivating you to start practicing?

P.S:  Here is the website for our studio. If you look at the pictures you will notice the children's class grappling.  I find that children take to wrestling faster than sparring.  not only are they generally more comfortable but they can grapple with much more effort than with sparring.

From Roger to Matt **********
Thanks for emailing me back.  It looks like you know a lot of cool stuff about karate and fights.  The classes you offer sound interesting, but I really have an interest in nun chucks and breaking boards with parts of my body.  I always see this in movies and it seems like something that really impresses women.  I'm a single father and at 41, I'm not getting any younger or hipper.  I attend a Zumba and recreational volleyball league with a co-worker named Karen.  She's 36 and is really great, but I'm not sure how she feels about me.
I don't want to end up in the friend zone, and I feel the only way to avoid that would be to impress her by breaking some boards with my forearms or head.
Do you offer any classes in body part board breaking or at the very least a nun chuck class.
I already have my own set of nun chucks so you wouldn't have to worry about providing them.
Also, I appreciate your information on the children's grappling class, but I'm 41 years and I don't need any help learning how to beat up a kid.
Roger P

From Matt ********** to Roger
I see little value in board braking (personal opinion). I do not teach it, and the children's grappling class is not for adults, it was just a bit of information about my dojo.  We do teach the nun chucks, however, they are not taught until blue belt.   There is not fixed time frame but blue belt takes  3+ years to reach....  If you want to get in shape and learn the basics of the staff, then I can help you.
I appreciate your interest. Please let me know if i can be of further assistance.

From Roger to Matt ******
You see little value in absolutely destroying a 4 inch piece of maple with your forehead or palm??  Are you kidding me Matt or are you just unable to break a board?
Listen, I'll give you 40 bucks to show me how to karate chop some logs and beat someone with nunchuks.  I just want to catch Karen's eye and let her husband know he has some competition.

From Matt ******* to RogerI don't think you understand karate and its teachings.  I teach karate as a method of self defense and self discipline.  I will NOT teach an agressor who has intentions of harming someone else.
I offer introductory classes, which are $50 for 3 basics lessons.  These lessons do not cover breaking boards or nun chucks.

From Roger to Matt ********
It sounds to me like you are running a powder puff football camp for teddy bears.  Last time I checked, Bruce Lee didn't kill the bad guys and get the girl after taking a children's grappling class.
Its time you step up and be a man.  I will pay you $60 to teach me to perform 3 of the following moves:
1.  Break a 2 x 4 with my face
2.  Kick someone really hard
3.  Throw a ninja star
4.  Break a man's leg (without using a hockey stick)
5.  Be awesome at nun chucks
6.  Stop a man's heart for a couple of seconds just by touching him gently (not in a gay way)

If you can think of any other cool things you know how to do then send me your ideas.  What time can I come to your dojo?

From Matt ******** to Roger

I DO NOT teach aggressors.  The tone of your emails is a violent one.  I am sorry, but I cannot train you.
Thanks for your interest and good luck,

From Roger to Matt ************

I was just kidding around, I don't really want to break Karen's husband's femur.  I was joking man.
Can you teach me please?
P.S.  I also want to learn how to dislocate a person's hips.