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FREE Oil Painting

Mime Painting about 50x50
Bottom left corner reads
'76 Clista

From Dewayne Neederlander

To Brad

Good afternoon,
I was recently browsing Craigslist when I came across your oil painting which you claim is a Clista.  Do you still have it?
Thank you,
Dewayne

From Brad
To Dewayne
sorry got zero responses and threw it out wednesday.

From Dewayne Neederlander

To Brad

Brad, this news is most unfortunate and I hate to be the one to break it to you.  You see that particular painting was Clista's first and has an estimated auction value of over $5,000.  I would have gladly given you quite a bit for it so I could display it in my gallery.

From Brad

To Dewayne Neederlander

suuuuuuuuuure idiot

From Dewayne

To Brad

Laugh all you want Brad, but I'm not the one who potentially threw away $5,000.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART 2

 

From Roger Podacter

To Brad

Greetings, I saw your Clista on-line.  Do you still have the painting? Don't allow yourself to be ripped off for it, I will pay top dollar.

-Roger

From Brad

To Roger

what is special about this guy?  it looked like a kid painted it

From Roger

To Brad

Brad,

Clista was not a guy, she was a little-known female painter who created concrete paintings using abstract methods.  Did you already sell the painting? If so, I hope you got more than $3,000 AT LEAST.

-Roger

From Brad

To Roger

i threw the painting away on wednesday.  where does nyds take collection from woodside 63rdst and 50ave? i still know this is jamie.

From Roger

To Brad

Brad,

Jamie? Please tell me that you didn't throw away an original Clista.  The painting you have is quite valuable if it is indeed a Clista original.  The "clown" painting that you described in your listing is actually Clista's first painting, which she did at the age of 7.  It's not an oil painting as you state, its actually Clista's own fecal matter which she dyed and used.  Hence the painting's name, "The Brown Clown".

From Brad

To Roger

**** you! i knew it

From Roger

To Brad

I GOT YOU SO BAD DUDE!!!

-JAMIE

World War 2 Collectibles

From Roger Podacter
To Karl
Hi, I saw your thing on-line that you are looking to buy some WW2 stuff.  My dad's father was in WW2, but we're not exactly sure where.  He never did like to talk about it much.  He was killed this past summer in an explosion in his garage which our local police department still hasn't figured out.   We've been slowly going through his personal items the last couple months.  We did find a couple boxes of old war stuff in his attic, but no one in my family is really interested that.  I've been really enjoying a lot of his old pictures and hand tools.
I do have 2 pictures, but I could get more if you like. He had helmets, medals (no trophies), dog tags, a few small daggers and then some misc items (some of which I have no idea about).
I've attached the 2 pictures, when is clearly a helmet for some unit or group.  The other I have no idea about, he's got about 4 of them.
Let me know how much you'd be willing to give for them.  We're really just looking to get rid of them, otherwise they'll just be tossed out.
Thanks,
Roger

From Karl
To Roger
Hi Roger,
Thanks, got the photos. The helmet is a civilian police and the other item looks like a land mine, deactivated I would think.
Do you have any other photos of the other helmets and daggers? If so I'd be very interested in buying them and possibly other items.
Where are you located?

Best Regards,
Karl *******                                                                             

From Roger
To Karl
A LANDMINE!?!?!?  Are you sure? How do I check to make sure its deactivated?  Is it worth more if its active?
I'm located in Somerset, but I could meet you halfway from wherever you are.

From Karl
To Roger
Just be very careful handling it, I need to go out for a few hours, I'll check back about 12:30.
                                                               
From Roger
To Karl
Karl, is there anyway I can tell if its active? I am getting pretty nervous about this. 
I called the detective who is working on my grandfather's case and informed him of the landmines.  They've been looking for the source of the explosion that killed him, and this could be a viable option. 
What is usual lifetime of these things? Could that be possible?
I'm just too nervous and scared, I am moving this thing outside.

From Roger
To Karl
Karl,
Please get back to me as soon as you can. My brother-in-law Dewayne is an ex-marine and is a huge weapon nutjob.  He's out in the yard right now and messing around with it.  Its making me quite nervous. 
I doubt that the thing would still be active and thats what actually killed my grandfather, but I just don't want to take that risk.
-Roger

From Karl
To Roger
Glad it's outside, I'll try to find out what I can. Will be gone until this evening and will check back then.
                                                                        

From Karl
To Roger
Roger,
I hope all is well with the mine. I'm still interested in the other items you have. If you could send some photos of the other helmets and daggers and any metals that look like German I'd appreciated it.
Best Regards,
Karl ******                                                                             


From Roger
To Karl
Karl,
I never should have listened to you and assumed the mine was inactive.  Friday afternoon I was taking some digital photos of some of the war items to send to you, when I was startled by my grandfather's lawnmower puncturing the outer walls of my 2nd story office.  My brother in-law Dewayne was attempting to determine if the land mine was active or not by having his raccoon Kevin run at it and leap onto it. On the first attempt the mine detonated and sent a small shock wave through my grandfather's lawn.  A small shed, an older pick-up, part of the kitchen and living room and a weeping willow were destroyed.  Kevin did not survive the blast.  Dewayne was mostly fine, he's lost hearing in his right ear and had two of his legs sheared off.
Obviously none of this would have been possible without your help.  (I'm being sarcastic).  I'm not going to hold a grudge though, but there is no way I am selling you any of my grandfather's old war items.  These are dangerous if they wind up in untrained hands.  Sorry for my harsh tone, but its been a rough weekend.
-Roger

Golden Corral Buffet

From Dewayne Neederlander
To Golden Corral

Good afternoon, I am currently dating a beautiful young lady whom I wish to propose to this weekend. I am planning on doing so in your restaurant and I want to make it extra special. My grandma passed away last spring, and she left me her wedding jewelry. I am planning on giving this to Christine. It includes a necklace with opal pendant, a diamond ring and 4 gold bracelets. I would like for your chef to place these items into my girlfriend's food, so it will really surprise her. I would be willing to pay your chef extra to do so. I've seen this done in movies all the time and I would really like to give her a Hollywood moment.

From Becky
To Dewayne

Thank you for contacting our Millbrook Road Raleigh Golden Corral location.  We appreciate your comments and will forward them to the proper channels.  You asked about our menu selections, the following link will guide you through all our delicious selections:
Golden Corral Menu Items
Thank you for contacting the Golden Corral customer service department, and have a great day!
-Becky ************

From Dewayne
To Becky
Becky,
I don't think you understood my request.  I want to propose to my girlfriend Christine this weekend, and I need to set-up the perfect way to do it.  I know she loves your restaurant, so I just need a chef or waitress or whoever from your restaurant to meet me before our dinner and place 5 jewelry items in her food.
Then she will find the items while eating and say "yes" to marry me.
Please respond soon,
Dewayne

From Becky
To Dewayne
Thank you for request at our Millbrook Road Raleigh Golden Corral location.  We appreciate your patronage and though we strive to meet all of our customers' needs, we cannot handle a request of this nature.  Our restaurant is a buffett, so we would be risking the other customer's safety by placing foreign objects into our food.  Thank you for contacting the Golden Corral customer service department, and have a great day!
-Becky ************

From Dewayne
To Becky
Becky,
I don't think you're understanding me here.  You need to help me, and if you aren't the one with the power please put me in contact with someone who can.  Maybe a cook's phone number? Or the manager's e-mail address?
I am willing to pay extra to have the ring baked into some meatloaf, and the bracelets into onion rings.  I already told her we are going to Golden Corral, so I can't change plans.  But if you are unwilling to help me, then I will be forced to go with Plan B.
This involves my brother in-law Roger's son Darius. He is only 8, but is a well seasoned amateur stuntkid.  He will create a diversion outside the restaurant by faking his own suicide.  Once all of your patrons are outside and witnessing Darius teetering on the edge of the roof, he will quickly leap into an air duct.  He will then rappel from the ceiling through the duct directly above our table.  Then deliver the ring in box to Christine.  At this point we will have peace and quiet and the whole restaurant to ourselves, since the majority of your customers will be outside worried about Darius.
I'd rather not risk Darius's life with Plan B, so please help me out.


From Richard
To Dewayne

We have no problem with you proposing to your girlfriend in any of our restaurants, but it is completely unacceptable for you to do it in any of the scenarios you outlined in your previous e-mails.  These scenarios would all be a serious safety risk and a potential hazard to all of our staff and customers.
All of your previous e-mails have been cataloged as well as your IP address.  If you have any further questions please don't hesitate to contact me at ***-***-****.
Richard ***********
Golden Corral Corporation
5151 Glenwood Ave.
Raleigh, NC 27612

Camper Wheel n' Deal

From Roger Podacter
To Dan

I saw you are looking for an old junk trailer.  I have an old junk trailer you can definitely have.  Its about 14 or 16ft and its been sitting next to my house for about 10 years.  Please come take it, this thing is an eyesore.
I'm located in Hunker, PA.  If you are gonna take it you are going to need help, but I am not going to help.
Let me know if you are interested.
Roger

From Dan
To Roger

Interested-what kind of trailer is it? Camping trailor,pop-up,flat trailor?Can it be towed?If you could send a pic i would know better what i am dealing with.I hate it with all of the questions,but I live in Leechburg,so it would be a little haul to get it home. Any title? Thanks. My cell # is ***-**-****. Dan.

From Roger
To Dan

Its definitely a camping trailer.  Its huge and really gets my blood boiling every morning it sits near my house.  The thing has honestly been there 10 plus years and I've never even seen them use it.
I'll try and get a picture today.

From Dan
To Roger

Is it towable?

From Roger
To Dan

It definitely is and its right in the driveway. But he's got it on concrete blocks right now, and it looks like the back tire is a little flat.

From Dan
To Roger

so it's not yours?

From Roger
To Dan

well its my neighbors.  but the guy is completely lazy. that thing has been sitting there forever!  he probably just hasn't gotten up off his lazy ass to move it.  I rarely see him doing any yardwork or home improvements.  the only time I see him is when he's wife is loading him into their van.
you could probably fix this thing up and it'd be like new.  you just need to make sure you come while his wife is at work or sometime late at night.
honestly, this thing is a black-eye on the neighborhood, and i know a lot of the neighbors would appreciate it.

From Dan
To Roger

I understand,but i don't think i would need any hassle . Thanks.

From Roger
To Dan

Wait Dan, just listen.  If you're worried about getting caught its not really something to worry about.  Ned's wife is the breadwinner and works all the time.  You could easily get the trailer anytime during the day.  Ned is home all day, but even if he spots you it won't matter.  His driveway is stone and he is in a wheelchair.

From Dan
To Roger

Ya, but there is still the phone and the police.Thanks anyway.

From Roger
To Dan

Dan, we just need to work out the details.  I didn't even think of the phone, nice catch.
Here's what we could:
1.  We set-up a pre-arranged time to make the swipe.  You'll need a truck with hitch and at least 2-3 helpers/henchmen.
2.  We meet in my den and dress/hand-out walkie talkies.  All black shirts, pants, gloves, shoes and ski caps.
3.  By this point in our plan I have already installed a zip-line from my bedroom window to his house.  I zip down to his house undetected and scale the roof.  I then cut the phone and power lines to his house.
4.  At this point you and your crew will have about 3 hours to safely remove the trailer before Ned is able to use his arms and mouth to crawl out of the house and shout for help.

A couple things:
 - I will try and do some recon in the next couple days to determine if he owns a cell phone.  This would be a set-back, but not a deal-breaker.  In the event he has a cell phone, we'll just need one more guy to breach the front door with a battering ram, throw 2 flash bang grenades and smash the phone the moment we cut the power and phone lines.
- If at any point we are caught, you cannot mention my name or our association.

Now that we have all the bases covered with a full-proof plan I will call you around 1pm so we can set-up a date.  Also, you should start gathering some men for the team.

From Dan
To Roger

Why not ask them if they would want it gone? You have someone to get rid of it for them. That would be a lot easier than your completely illegal plan.

SENT 2 DAYS LATER

From Roger
To Dan

No need for your help now.  Ned died last night so the trailer will be scraped or sold soon I would imagine.  He was caroling in our neighborhood when his group came to my house.  My driveway is quite steep and his wheelchair couldn't handle it.  He lost control and streaked down my driveway and directly into my wife's Mitsubishi Galant, crushing his skull into the passenger door.
He died on impact.  The car damage was nearly $2,000 and after some haggling his wife is going to pay half.   Let me know if you're still interested in the trailer, and we could develop a new plan.

Dog Trainer

From: Roger

To: Gary

Hi, I  saw your ad on-line for dog training services.  I was wondering if you train other animals as well?

Thanks,

Roger

From: Gary

To: Roger

Thank you for your email.  Unfortunately, the only animals I have certification to train are dogs.  I'm assuming you have a horse that you are looking to break.  I do know some collegues who break horses if you are interested.  

From: Roger
To: Gary

Gary,
Thanks for your response, but I really need a fish trainer.  I am planning on proposing to my girlfriend Janelle, and I really want to make it special.  She loves animals, especially her goldfish Lucille.  She is named after Lucille Ball, but I actually think the fish is a male, I just haven't had the heart to tell her.  I'm a doctor, so I can usually tell.
I just purchased the engagement ring last week, and I'd like to propose around Christmas.  I just need someone to train Lucille to hold the ring in his mouth and then jump from his tank onto Janelle's lap while we are watching Friends.  Then I can pop the question.
I've been trying to save money and train the fish myself, but so far all I can get it to do is nibble the ring.
-Roger

From: Gary
To: Roger

That's the best one I've heard this week.  Good Luck joker.

From: Roger

To:  Gary

I am not joking Gary.  I really need a fish trainer, because I love my girlfriend.  E-mail me your collegues contact information.  Hopefully they are nicer than you are.

From: Roger

To:  Gary

Hey numbskull! You gonna e-mail those contacts over to me or what?!

 

From: Gary
To: Roger

You insult me and expect me to play your and send you contacts?   ***hole

From: Roger

To:  Gary

Gary, thanks for nothing!  Thanks to you my life is in ruins.  I spent the last 2 weeks working with Lucille 8 hours a day.  Last night, I felt confident enough that the fish was finally ready.  Janelle and I began to watch "Remember the Titans" on Blu-Ray DVD.   Before she got home from work I removed the ring from its box and placed it into Lucille's mouth for safe keeping.   I watched intently, and Lucille waited for the signal.  Right as the brick goes through Coach Boone's window, I watched Lucille leap from the tank. 

What I didn't realize was that my cat Colonel Pumpenfunkels had been scouting every training session I had with Lucille.  I watched in horror as Colonel Pumpenfunkels launched himself onto the couch and snared Lucille out of the air and down his mouth.  I immediately lunged for my cat who had just swallowed my girlfriend's $8,000 engagement ring, and Janelle began to tear up at the loss of her fish. 

Colonel Pumpenfunkels was able to out-maneuver me, and ran out the window.  I immediately chased him outside and into the neighbor's lawn.  I frantically grabbed and dove trying to snag him and his $8,000 meal.  Finally, I figured I had him cornered at my neighbor's fence, but he clawed his way right up the side and over the top.  Unfortunately, Colonel Pumpenfunkels didn't realize that my neighbor Chris was in the process of doing some yardwork, and Colonel Pumpenfunkels fell right into an industrial wood chipper.

I was unable to find the ring, and the cat and goldfish were mince meat.  I understand you aren't exactly my biggest fan right now, but I just adopted a 7 week old border collie named Horatio.  I want to try the same proposal arrangement but this time using the dog.  I was wondering if you would be willing to train him.

-Roger

From: Gary

To: Roger

STOP E-MAILING ME YOU SICK ****

Dolphin Adventures

From Roger Podacter to Kimberly

Hi! I saw your motorhome on-line and i am very interested in giving you money so I own it.  Are you the original owner?
I really would like to get a deal done sometime this weekend if possible.
-Roger

From Kimberly to Roger

No I am not the original owner. Would you like to come take a look and check it out?

Thank you,
Kimberly
321-***-****


From Roger to Kimberly

Whoa! Hold your horses Kimmy.  We may be able to set something up, but I just want to make sure you're serious about selling.  What are you looking to get in a trade for the motorhome?  Do you enjoy outdoor activites?
Thanks,
Roger


From Kimberly to Roger

Trust me I'm serious! We have a towing business and its been in our yard for about a year now. What are you looking to trade, I'm pretty open within reason.
321-***-****

From Roger to Kimberly and Dewayne Neederlander

OK, I understand. Well basically I have a great chip to barter with you if you and your family are into the great outdoors.  My brother in-law Dewayne and I have a 23 foot fishing boat and run our own small business called "Dolphin Adventures".  We run outta Tampa year-round in the Gulf.  All you and your family would need to do is decide when you want us to take you out and we'd provide the rest.

We run 3 hour, 6 hour, 9 hour and 3 day excursions  I would be willing to offer you whatever package you want.  We provide a lunch and plenty of adventure.  We travel out of Tampa southwest towards whats called "The Dolphin Run".  Once there we use whats called an EccoPhone to attract the dolphins.  We'll also be throwing some sardines into the waters at this time. A dolphin's favorite treat!

Once we have about 6 to 10 dolphins near the vessel, we'll drop anchor and Dewayne will bring the dolphins closer by hand feeding them the sardines.  Your children will be filled with excitement as real live dolphins swim close enough to touch.  We provide guests we a few sardines so that they can get to say that they've fed a real live dolphin.

At this time I will equip you and each member of your family with a snorkel, diving mask and a 19 inch spear gun.  If some in your party are poorer swimmers they can remain on deck, but we ask that they stay alert to others around them.  Once caught, Dewayne and I will handle all of the cleaning of the dolphins as well as ensuring they are completely dead.  The entire session will be well documented via DVD for your viewing enjoyment years from now.
Upon completion of the adventure we'll return to port and once there you will have the opportunity to purchase a picture package of the excursion or have any impressive catches stuffed and mounted for your living room.

Normally this package costs around $3000 for a 3 day trip, but I would be willing to offer it to you in exchange for the camper.  We've surprisingly had so much success with Dolphin Adventures, that we are now looking to acquire a motor home to use for "Croc-Encounters of the Third Kind".  Dewayne's friend has 50 acres in the Everglades we plan to use for guided croc hunts.

I'll call you once I'm off work to get directions to your house.  Where abouts in Kissimmee are you?

-Roger

From Kimberly to Roger

A DOLPHIN HUNT?????? NO THANKS. YOU ARE MENTALLY SICK!

From Roger to Kimberly and Dewayne

Kimberly, please copy my brother-in-law Dewayne on all future e-mails.  If we're going to get this deal done by this weekend we all need to be on the same page.  I'll give you a conference call tonight with Dewayne on so we can hammer out the details and get your address.
Also, I'm trying to get your lunches ready for the trip; do you and your kids prefer tuna sandwiches or lunchables?  I think I already know the kids will want lunchables :).

From Kimberly to Roger and Dewayne

THERE WILL BE NO DEAL. DO NOT CALL ME OR E-MAIL ME OR I WILL GO TO POLICE.

From Dewayne to Kimberly

Kimberly,
It seems like you are upset.  Roger can be pushy, which is why I'm offering you the opportunity to negotiate solely with me.  "Croc-Encounters of the Third Kind" is a lot closer to fruition than Roger has led on.  I would be willing to take you and your family to my friend Jessup's lands in the Everglades.  Just like Dolphin Adventures, each journey will include a lunch, fan boat transportation, a 12-gauge sawed-off shotgun and plenty of croc thrills.  I guarantee that you or your children will at least see a croc, and if you don't kill it, I will offer to take you to an area known for Bald Eagle nests.  Once there you can pay me $20 to $500 and I will kill it with the weapon of your choosing.
Please let me know if this type of excursion interests you.
-Dewayne

From Dewayne to Kimberly (sent the next day)

Kim,
I still haven't heard back from you, I'm getting worried.  Did you sell the motor home to another buyer?
Since you passed up on Dolphin Adventures and Croc-Encounters of the Third Kind, they must have been offering a Porsche Cayenne full of gold bars.
Let me know,
Dewayne

From Kimberly to Dewayne

I TOLD YOU TO STOP E-MAILING ME A**HOLE

From Dewayne to Kimberly and Roger

You said that to Roger.

From Kimberly to Dewayne

STOP.

From Dewayne to Kimberly

Sorry.

From Dewayne to Kimberly

Ooops.

Tennis Racket

From Roger to Cynthia

Hello. I saw your tennis racket for sale on Craigslist.  My son Darius just turned 6, so its time to begin his training.  Do you know the racket's model or how old it is?  He's pretty particular about what I get for him and he usually wants nothing but the best.  I don't want to upset him.
Thanks,
Roger

From Cynthia to Roger

Hi,
It's a Wilson hammer 25
Tension - 18-23 kj
Length - 63.5 cm
Weight  - 235 grams
Head size - 645 cm2
Balance 33.5 cm
Pattern - 16x19

It's one year old, used once, no scratches and comes with a case.

Perfect for a junior learner.
Feel free to email for more details,
Cynthia

From Roger to Cynthia

Cynthia,
Thanks for your quick response and all of the information.  I just want to make sure I get Darius the right racket for him to learn with.  This summer I tried getting him interested in cricket and he seemed excited, but then he threw a fit because the bat I bought him wasn't the right color.  He burned the bat with a bunch of his mates on the sidewalk near our apartment.
I am definitely willing to give you EUR30 for it, but I just don't want to make the same mistake again.  Do you have any photos of the racket or a description of the color?
Thanks,
Roger

From Cynthia to Roger

Here’s a photo.

Good luck!

From Roger to Cynthia and Darius

Darius, Celine was nice enough to send a photo for you.  Let me know if it is what you want.  You can use some of the money from Uncle Peter to pay for it.
Love,
Dad

From Darius to Roger and Cynthia

dad it is cool and i want it.  why do i have to use my money for it???? can u get it for me?

From Roger to Darius and Cynthia

Darius, you need to learn about the value of money.  You have the money and can pay for it.

Cynthia, we'll take the racket for EUR30.  Would you like me to meet you somewhere?

Thanks,
Roger

From Cynthia to Roger

I'm sure he'll love it. Call me and we can arrange. 

From Darius to Cynthia

hey lady. i hate that my dad is making me spend my money for this racket.  i dont want to give  you 30 euros for it, because then i can't buy any video games.  i will give you 5 euros.

From Cynthia to Roger

Your son contacted me, I'm sure without your knowledge, offering 5 euros for the racket.  Just thought you would want to know.

From Roger to Darius and Cynthia

DARIUS! I know you want to save some of your money, but Cynthia is nice enough to offer her racket for 30 euros.  We already agreed that you would pay her your 30 euros.  I don't want to make you upset, so I'll chip in 10 euros so you only spend 20.
Love, Dad

From Darius to Roger and Cynthia

DAD! THIS IS MOSTLY WHY I HATE YOU!!!!!!  I AM NOT SPENDING ANY OF MY MONEY!  YOU ARE BUYING ME THE RACKET AND PAY Cynthia 40 EUROS!

From Roger to Cynthia and Darius

Cynthia, I was afraid this would happen.  We have upset Darius and now, I will offer you 50 euros for the racket, but you have to promise to kneel before Darius during the exchange.  He is quite upset and I also request that you refer to him as "Darius the Wizard".

From Cynthia to Roger and Darius

Please don't e-mail me again. Either of you.

Carpet Cleaners

From Roger Podacter to Albert

Good afternoon! I just recently purchased an older home in Chavis Heights area of Raleigh.  Right now its just my son Darius and I after my recent divorce, but I've been getting closer to finding Darius a mother.  I've sent a few messages on Match.com and remain hopeful about my chances. 
Anyways, I got quite a deal on an absolutely adorable house, so I have some extra cash I'd like to spend on improvements.  One of the major improvements I need to do immediately is clean/replace the carpets.  I've been trying to get some estimates and have even had a few companies come to the house, but so far I haven't got any offers.
What are your normal rates?  The house is approximately 2,200 sq. ft.
Thanks,
Roger

From Albert to Roger

Yes I will give you my special.  Doing a replace is much more cost effective than a new install. please call me @ 919-***-****

From Roger to Albert

Albert,
Thanks for your quick response.  It is great to hear that you are willing to help my son and I.
The main area of carpet effected is the bedroom and den, but there are also spotty areas in the hallways, my office, a smaller bedroom and the living and dining rooms.
Altogether about 650 sq ft of carpet.  Any idea on what the cost of cleaning would be?  I just wonder if the damage is so extensive that it makes sense to just replace it.  Thanks again soo much, all of the other companies said they are ill equipped or simply refused to handle so much blood.
-Roger

From Albert to Roger
So much blood? I have done biohazard clean-up a few times before.  I would be able to do the job today. give me a call 919-***-****

From Roger to Albert

Albert,
Thanks again for your quick response.  Unfortunately, I won't be home today to let you into the house, and I appreciate your enthusiasm.  But I feel that you should first come to look at the house and then decide if you wish to help me out or not.  I wasn't entirely honest in my previous e-mails.
Well, I was honest, but I did not go into detail on the cause of the my carpet problems.
I got such a good deal on the home, because it was a former front for drug trade and 2 people were murdered at the residence.  I'm not talking about cyanide poisoning murder or choking on a ham sandwich murder.  We are talking I'm hungry for Bit-O-Honey's, I found a stick and I'm using your head as a pinata murder.  They never found the murder weapon, but the word bludgeon was used, and that was all I cared to here. 
I always thought that the police or someone involved in the investigation cleaned up these scenes, but apparently not.
I just felt I had to be honest with you,
Roger

From Albert to Roger

Roger It sounds like the house just needs some TLC and the Lord's blessings. It should really be no problem no job too big or too small. If you could let me know when or what time do you need me to come and give you a estimate?  I can show the cost advantages of repair over replace.

From Roger to Albert

Albert, sorry for my delay in response, but I spent nearly 4 hours last night looking over the carpet and debating on whether to simply have it cleaned or just replace it.
Do you have previous experience removing heavy blood stains?  I just worry, because the drug dealers bodies were not discovered until after about 12 days.  This allowed for heavy pooling. The carpet is quite light and of the shag variety.
I was thinking about just calling a flooring company and having them remove it tonight.
What are your thoughts?
-Roger
P.S. Sorry I'm being so indecisive.

From Albert to Roger

Roger,
My rates are very reasonable.  Your carpet may look bad but I am sure that we can get it looking brand new.  Replacing carpet can be costly but its your call. Call me.

From Roger to Albert

I never should have listened to you Albert!  I should have just called the flooring company in Raleigh and had them come out immediately to replace it.  Last night I was awoken by the sounds of Darius screaming like a banshee.  I darted from my bed and witnessed my own 62 pound son floating over the stairwell.  Upon closer inspection I could make out the outline of a large demon holding him by his Dora the Explorer underpants.  I immediately reached for my EPV meter to get a reading of the demon's strength, but it was nowhere to be found!  In its place was the shell-less body of Mister McGillicuddy, Darius's 6 year old box turtle.  He looked terrified.
Without knowing the demon's strength I was forced to remove my clothing and cover my entire body in aluminum foil to shield myself from being penetrated and possesed by the demon.  I was able to knock the wind out of the demon with a swift elbow to his groin.  Unfortunately, he dropped Darius down the flight of stairs.  We immediately evacuated the house and spent last night in a local Holiday Inn.
Because of you my son was nearly killed by a demon, and now that demon owns the deed to our home.  I left your phone number on top of the glass case over my beanie baby collection, so hopefully the demon will be contacting you soon.  Hopefully your equipment can cleanse your soul.

Pet Sitting Service

From Roger Podacter to Katie

Hi, I saw your ad that you offer a pet sitting service and I am definitely interested. I have a ten year border collie named Michael who is as cute as a baby, but as annoying as a baby. Basically, I can rarely get anything done around the house without Michael wanting me to pet him, throw a ball to him or feed him. Don't get me wrong, I love my dog, but he is constantly bugging me.

For instance, last night I was trying to watch season 2 of Heroes and Michael is nudging my hand with his snout and begging for food. I could barely watch the show.I am missing out on a lot that life has to offer and I just need a hand. How much are your rates normally?
-Roger

From Katie to Roger

Hi Roger,

Thank you for contacting me. WoW!! You definitely have a furry problem. Do you work outside the house? I'm wondering if Michael is left alone all day while you are out of the house? If so,this is part of his problem you might want to start home visits to keep him company for an hour or two.

My fee for a home visit is $24.00 for an hour, he would get all the attention he needs.

How much time do you spend with him a day? Look forward to meeting Michael! Katie

From Roger to Katie

Katie, $24/hr is kinda pricey. How much would it be for you to come out to the house and pet Michael while I watch Home Improvement and surf the internet? All you would need to do is sit in my living room and pet him while Darren and I watch some TV and maybe order a pizza. Probably from 5pm to Midnight Monday thru Friday.
Thanks, Roger

From Katie to Roger

Roger, WoW! I already have a few clients so I doubt I'd be able to help you out 35 hours a week. Have you thought of doggie day care? There are a lot of great facilities in the area that could care for Michael while you are at work.

I'm really sorry. I would be willing to come to your home during the week a couple days to keep Michael company while you are at work.

From Roger to Katie

Michael is really getting on my nerves today and on Darren's. Darren is my brother-in-law, well not technically, since I'm divorced, but Darren lives with me. He's been out of work since July and lost his license. Usually he watches Michael during the day, but he normally wakes up about an hour before I get home from work, so he's not very useful.

I'd really rather not have you come to the house during the day, because Darren is a registered sex offender, even though it was over 10 years ago and he was 18 and she was 15. $24/hr is kind of expensive for you to come out while I'm at work, but like I said, you can come while I am home. That is when Michael bothers me most.

Ramada Inn

Roger Podacter
To: The Ramada Inn Providence, Rhode Island

Good afternoon,
I was in Providence earlier this week giving a lecture and demonstration at the Roger Williams Medical Center and I stayed at your hotel. My stay was very pleasant, but I had to leave in a hurry this yesterday morning.

I got a call from my mother informing me that my wife had gone into labor.  I had to cancel my morning appointments for the day and rushed out of the hotel to make the 3 hour drive back to New York.  Well, I'm sorry to say but I think I may have left one of my exhibits in the room.  It is a human hand.  Its an adult white male's and was in a formaldehyde jar. 

You probably think I am kidding around, but I can't for the life of me think of how I wouldn't have noticed it.  It may have rolled out of my bag and under the bed or something.
If you could please send someone to the room to retrieve it, I would really appreciate it.  I'll be back in Providence next week and could pick it up then.
Thank you,
Dr. Roger Podacter M.D.

Dewayne Neederlander
To: The Ramada Inn Providence, Rhode Island

I don't know if this is some kind of Halloween joke or something, but I just found a human hand in my room!  When I first checked in the room smelled kind of funny and while unpacking my things I noticed a small stain on the carpet under the bed.  When I took a closer look I found it was a broken glass jar with a human hand under the bed!! I nearly vomited.

I didn't really check it to see if it was real or not, I would assume it was fake.  I picked it up with a bag and threw it away in the lobby on my way out the door this morning.

That is a pretty clever prank, probably set-up by one of your maid staff, but I don't know if everyone would find it funny.

I thought it was quite funny and I'll definitely be staying with you guys again.
Thanks,
Dewayne Neederlander

Jason (Ramada Inn Service)
To: Dewayne Neederlander

We'd like to further investigate your incident with the room, but we have no record of you staying with us Mr. Neederlander.
What room was this incident in?

Thank you,
Jason

Dewayne Neederlander
To: Jason

Thanks for your response Jason.  I actually don't recall what room I was staying in, at the time of the incident I was quite inebriated after taking some LSD with my manager and a couple elves.  I am positive the room was on the 2nd floor, because I remember climbing a rainbow to reach my bed.

It makes sense that you don't have a record of a Dewayne Neederlander staying at your hotel, because I always travel under pseudonyms because of my high profile status.  My name is Robin Williams.  I was in Mrs. Doubtfire and Jack where I played a young boy who aged rapidly.  The movie ultimately and expectantly ended with me dying while all my closest friends were just starting with acne and wet dreams.

14FT Box Truck Available for Hauling

Dewayne Neederlander
To: Byron

Hi, I live about 20 minutes from you, and I'm definitely interested in hiring you to move some things of mine with your box truck. 
I'm glad I found your ad because normally I just have to take my chances and burn all of my leftovers every fall to prepare for the
winter season.

Bryon
To: Dewayne Neederlander

My dad is the one who does it his name is frank and yea we should be able to help you out.
what kind of stuff do you need us to haul?
call me at ***-***-****.

Dewayne Neederlander
To: Byron

Byron, Thanks for you quick response.
I run a small taxidermy business from my home, and I'd like to hire you to move-out all my "leftovers" from this season. 

This is exactly how it sounds. I have everything; deer legs, dog torsos, horse rib cages, etc.  I have been trying to keep most of the items frozen to hide the smell, but my ice box was full in late July, so I've just been storing everything in shopping bags in my frig.
 
It should take about an hour to load all the pieces, and I've drained the majority of the blood into some mason jars which we can transport easily.

We'll just need to find a place to dump all of this stuff, because if we do it too close to a populated area it will attract bears.
 
I'm thinking we could find somewhere to do it near Cooks Forest state park. Does the truck have good tires?

Thanks,
Dewayne

HALLOWEEN SPOOK-TACULAR

Roger Podacter
To: Chuck E. Cares

Good Afternoon,
I was just curious if it would be possible to hold my son Darius's Halloween party at your Monroeville Chuckie Cheese this coming Saturday.
I see that your web-site accommodates "Birthday" party reservations, but this does not fall under that category. I just need to know if you'd be capable of hosting an event like this.
Thank you,
Roger

Chuck E. Cares
To: Roger Podacter

Dear Guest:

You are more than welcome to do a Walk In party where the seating is unreserved and on a first come first serve basis and order from the menu. Otherwise, the only parties we hold on the weekends are for Birthdays.

Thank you for choosing Chuck E. Cheese's and have a MAGICAL day!

Sincerely,
Cares

Roger Podacter
To: Chuck E. Cares

Thanks for replying to my email so quickly. I am just making sure it would be OK to host Darius and his friends for a Halloween party. He is 7, and so excited about Halloween this year. He's at that age where he wants it to be really scary. Being a single father, I just want to make sure this year is special for him.
Basically here are my ideas for the party, and I just want to make sure Chuckie Cheese is ok with them:
We arrive around 5pm in full costume. I will be dressed as a kitten and ready to purr. First thing we'll feed all the kids some pizza and pop, Darius has invited 60 classmates. After eating I'll let the kids go to town on the games by purchasing $30 worth of tokens for each kid. Mid-way through their playing, I plan on really getting the Halloween spooks going.
I will need the help of the Chuckie Cheese manager on duty, because at 7pm we plan on killing all the lights. A slow thumping kick drum rolls like a train as the children scramble around in the darkness (I will be playing the drum). Thick fog fills the restaurant as one of your employees releases a bag of live bats I have brought into the store (they are all tame). Next my brother-in-law Gerry bursts into the restaurant with his face covered in blood (fake) and his arms wielding a gas-powered chainsaw (real). He quickly saws a few bats in two and performs several chain saw stunts on the Chuckie Cheese band stage. As Gerry is finishing up, my best friend Dewayne Neederlander who is an amateur stunt man, will go streaking through your restaurant fully engulfed in flames.
After this, the lights will come back on and the children will bob for apples in an apple cider barrel near the ball pit. Then I will perform a fake-exorcism on one of the children, give treat bags and send the kids packing with their parents.
I understand that you say Chuckie Cheese is first-come first serve, but I just wanted to make sure you were aware of some of the party activities I had planned. What time does your restaurant close on Saturdays? I planned on really scaring one of the kids by "accidentally" leaving him in the restaurant after closing.
-Roger

Chuck E. Cares
To: Roger Podacter

Dear Guest:
Unfortunately, this is totally unacceptable and you will not be allowed to hold a party in chuckecheese of this nature.

Roger Podacter
To: Chuck E. Cares

Cares,
I have to say I am a little disappointed by your response. I was under the impression that Chuckie Cheese had an open-door policy for parties. I am just curious as to why I would not be able to host my son Darius's Halloween party at your Monroeville restaurant?
I am willing to make changes as needed, I am just a single dad trying his best to make his son's Halloween a memorable one.
I look forward to your response.

Chuck E. Cares
To: Roger Podacter

Dear Guest:

You are more than welcome to have your Halloween party for your son. The children are welcome to dress in costume & you can hand out your treat bags. Unfortunately, adults are not able to dress up and there is no outside entertainment allowed.
You would not be able to do any of the scary events as you listed in your previous message. We are open to the public and have to consider everyone. That is why we do not allow outside entertainment. Any party you choose to have would have to be under Chuck E. Cheese guidelines.


Roger Podacter
To: Chuck E. Cares

Thank you for your quick response once again. I appreciate the great customer service I have received so far, and I feel we are on our way to ironing out all the details of Darius's halloween party. I understand that you don't want to allow outside entertainment, because you already offer a full stage band with Chuckie and his All-Stars. My brother-in-law Gerry is not an entertainer, he actually is a car salesman/pediatrician. But, I will tell him to leave the chainsaw and costume at home. And obviously Dewayne is an amateur stuntman who is capable of performing stunts at any time, so he is kind of outside entertainment. Does this mean he is not permitted to come at all?
The one thing I don't understand is that you don't allow adults to dress up. Darius is going as a tabby cat and I was going to be his Tabby baby brother. There's no exception you can make? If not, I am willing to simply wear a small hat and leotards and go as Peter Pan. This way if any of your other customers are offended I can easily remove the hat and appear to be in street clothes.
Ok, I think we both agree that the fog machine and chainsaw are unreasonable, but what about the mock exorcism?
Also, would it be possible for one of your employees to kill the lights momentarily so I can screech loudly to create a spooky effect? This wouldn't be for just my party, but I'm sure the other guests would appreciate the scare because of the season.
Thank you.


Chuck E. Cares
To: Roger Podacter

Dear Guest:

In regards to your notation...We apologize for the inconvenience but we are unable to meet your requests. We have a strict policy of no adults in any costumes. Your friend who is an entertainer is permitted in the restaurant, but he is at no time permitted to perform any "stunts".

If you would like to discuss this matter further please provide us with your telephone number so we may have our legal department contact you.

Any further e-mails will be forwarded to our legal department for processing and documentation.

Pog Collectors

Wed 4:45pm
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Marc

Hi, I see you are giving away your pog collection on Craigslist for free. I am an avid collector myself and was quite surprised when I noticed you were giving away your collection which you say includes Disney, Charlie Brown, X-men, Burger King, Power Ranger, Gargoyle, Cookie Crisp, Jurassic Park, a saw blade shaped slammer and various other pogs.
I am definitely interested and would be willing to take them off your hands for you.
Let me know where you are located so I can pick them up tonight.

Wed 5:02 pm
FROM: Dewayne Neederlander
TO: Marc

I saw your pogs on-line. What is the year of the saw blade shaped slammer? Is it older than 1995? I am definitely interested, what is your location?
-D-WAY

Wed 6:14 pm
FROM: Marc (Seller)
TO: Roger

hello i had another person email me but u were the first. i am located at **********************. I won't be home tonight, but you could stop over anytime after 5pm tomorrow.
call me ***-***-*****

Wed 6:20pm
FROM: Marc (seller)
TO: Dewayne

sorry someone else already emailed me before you about the pogs.
thanks
Wed 6:50pm
FROM: Dewayne
TO: Marc (seller)

Marc, I will give you $40 for your collection if the saw blade slammer is older than 1996.
-D-WAY

Wed 7:20pm
FROM: Roger
TO: Marc (seller)

Great! That is great news Marc, thanks a lot for helping me out. My son Darius and I have been collecting pogs together since he first got sick when he was 4. His health has had ups and downs the past 6 years, but the our bond with pogs has kept us together.
I'll call you after work tomorrow and I can pick them up. I'll also bringing a picture that Darius drew since he won't be able to make it out of the hospital for tomorrow.
CYA THEN :)

Wed 8:03pm
FROM: Marc (seller)
TO: Dewayne
$40? why do u want to pay $40 for pogs? the slammer says 1995 but i dont get why it matters. are you serious?

Wed 8:10pm
FROM: Dewayne
TO: Marc (seller)

I am dead serious. $40. You have until midnight.

Wed 8:30pm
FROM: Marc (seller)
TO: Roger

Roger,
Its nice to hear about you and your son and I hope he gets better. But I made a mistake and I didn't see that another email came in before yours. And he offered me $40.
I'm real sorry, but I think I have to take it to be fair to him.
Thanks for understanding.

Wed 8:45pm
FROM: Marc (seller)
TO: Dewayne

I'll definitely sell you the collection for $40. i am located at **********************. You can stop over anytime after 5pm tomorrow.
call me ***-***-*****

Wed 10:03pm
FROM: Roger
TO: Marc (seller)
$40!? Well, I think if you are accepting cash offers then it shouldn't be first come, first serve. I really enjoy the time I spend with my son. What year is the saw blade shaped slammer?

Thur 9:43am
FROM: Marc (seller)
TO: Roger

what is good about the slammer? the label says 1995. i dont know if i could go back on the deal i already accepted. what r u offering? please tell me before around 2.

Thur 10:06am
FROM: Roger
TO: Marc

Marc,
I am prepared to offer you $500 cash, and yes i didn't accidentally hit the zero key another time. That is five-hundred dollars cash. But we need to to deal by 7pm tonight.
Get back to me ASAP.

Thur 10:47am
FROM: Marc (seller)
TO: Roger

i have a hard time believing u. why is the slammer so valuable? call me ***-***-****

Thur 11:23am
FROM: Roger
TO: Marc (seller)

Sorry Marc, I'm at work right now and unable to call, but I swear on my son's life that my offer of $500 is legitimate. The particular saw blade slammer you have was never meant to be released. Saw blade slammers were only used up until late 1995 until the UPC (United Pog Commission) outlawed them from tournament play. Let's get this deal done today.

Thur 11:52am
(At this point he is probably having trouble containing his excitement)
FROM: Marc
BCC: Roger and Dewayne

I bcc'd both of you bidders on this email and i just want for you to send final offers because its too hard to bid on email. the best i got so far has been $500 which I am shocked about.
send your best offer before 5.

Thur 1:03pm
FROM: Roger
TO: Marc (Seller)

My final offer is $601. Let's make this work for my son Darius.

Thur 2:41pm
FROM: Dewayne
TO: Marc (Seller)

Whatever the other guy offers, add $300 to my bid. It will be worth your while.
-D-WAY

Thur 4:18pm
FROM: Marc (Seller)
TO: Roger

Roger i'm sorry but the other bidder was higher. thanks for bidding and i hope your son feels better.

Thur 4:22pm
FROM: Marc (Seller)
TO: Dewayne

u had the highest bid. do u still have my address? i will be home all night tonight after 5.
call me asap ***-***-****

Thur 4:28pm
FROM: Alouicious Jeffries
TO: Marc (Seller)

We have reason to believe that you've been involved in the sale of illegal slammers over the internet. Our sources have been tracking known offenders and UPF players Dewayne Neederlander and Roger Podacter, and we have reason to believe you've been in contact with them over the past few days.
Please terminate all contact with these two individuals, and we also ask that you immediately destroy the slammer. We'll be sending an agent to your house this evening to ensure that the slammer has been destroyed.

Thank you and sorry for the alarm,
Alouicious Jeffries
President
United Pog Federation
President

Portable Toilet

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Hi. I saw your ad for the adult portable toilet. How much are you looking to get for it?
I was wondering how strong it is or how much weight it can hold?
Also, what is relative capacity of the toilet?
I am moving across country to Sacremento and I'm taking my dad with me. I have a large Astro van which we'll most likely be living out of for the next 2 weeks.
Thanks,
Roger

FROM: Drew
TO: Roger

Im asking $25cash. I dont know for sure but it looks to be strong it has a metal adjustable frame to it doesnt look to be cheap made

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Thanks for the response, I am just apprehensive about purchasing this toilet if it won't be able to handle his 250 pound frame. My father is quite a load and he produces quite a load... The main reason we need this portable toilet is because he suffers from colitis and Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and I don't feel like pulling over every 20 minutes during a cross-country trek. Basically anytime he has a meal or has been sitting for more than 30 minutes his body produces insane amounts of gas which can be quite cumbersome on his colon and the nostrils of those around him.
I plan on simply removing my passenger seat and replacing it with your portable toilet. It would be much more comfortable for myself and for my father. The only thing I need to know from you is if I would somehow be able to rig the seat belt up to it. The last thing I would want is for myself to round a bend and hit a deer at 60mph, launching my father and the projections of his colon through the windshield.
Basically, I just need to be reassured that this toilet will be able to handle my father.
FROM: Roger TO: Drew

Any chance I could possible get the toilet sometime this week? I am moving Friday and I have to pick up my dad on Thursday because I didn't pay for this month's fees at his retirement home.
Also, what are you looking to get for the toilet? I could just give you the $25 or we could make a trade?
Thanks

FROM: Drew
TO: Roger

Asking $25 And you can come get it anytime, Where are you located

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Thanks for getting back to me so soon. I have no problem paying you $25 to ensure that my van's interior stays dry and white.
The only snag is that my brother Carl was going to be helping me load my dad into my van for the trip, and now he can't. Because of a restraining order, he's not allowed within 100 yards of his ex-girlfriend who lives at the old folks home. Yeah, I know its really weird, but he is into older women, but they she dumped him because he hit her in the face with a rake.

So basically I need someone to help load my dad into the back of my van. It would only take about 2-3 hours and we'd mostly be wheeling him from his room to the parking lot, then carrying him from his bed into a hammock I rigged up in the back of my van. He's been bed-ridden for about 5 weeks, so we'd just have to be careful lifting him to ensure we don't tear open his bed sores.

I live in Castle Shannon, but the old folks home is in Mount Pleasant. I'd be willing to pay you $20 more, so that bumps the total package up to $45. What hours are you normally available? The sooner we can pick him up the better, because they have been calling me non-stop about paying his bill for this month. I am available anytime as I am currently unemployed. Just e-mail me your number soon so I can call you, it'll be easier to set-up times.

FROM: Drew
TO: Roger

Sorry nothing I can do to help

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

I had a feeling you wouldn't be interested at first. Luckily I talked with my dad and worked something out. After my mother died, my father revealed to my brother and me a small shelter beneath the front porch where he hid various valuables, in case mom ever left him from Juan Luis (a young puerto rican neighbor of my parents since 88).
I am willing to offer you the $45 as well as an opportunity to select 3 items from my father's hidden items. The items are mostly in great condition from being stored so well. They range from a Playboy collection 1980-84 (missing 81-83) and several reels of family film. One of which contains the birth of my brother or myself, my dad couldn't remember. There are also some fireworks and a case of beer.
Obviously these items may not seem valuable to you, so just in case I am willing to offer you $10 more. This bring the total payment for the toilet to $55.
I know it may seem like I am giving up a lot just for a stupid toilet, but I really need this thing and a hand loading my dad into the van.
Please let me know

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Sorry I told you I cant I have arthritis

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Oh, I'm sorry to hear you have arthritis, but I don't see why you can't help me out.
Surely you have a friend or someone who could help me, and I need that toilet. My dad has to be out of the home by 3:30pm on Thursday! I am willing to pay you $50 for the toilet, and then $15 to whoever will be helping load my dad.
THAT'S $65 FOR A TOILET!

FROM: Drew
TO: Roger

Listen, I definitely don't want to help "load" your smelly old dad into your van. And I doubt you will find anyone that will for the money you are offering. I like to help people too but I'm not a charity.
I will sell you the toilet for $25 and thats it. PLEASE DO NOT E-MAIL ME IF YOU AREN'T INTERESTED IN JUST BUYING IT FOR $25.

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Alright, I think I have worked out the details. My cousin Randall just won a huge settlement after he found a finger in his soup at Eat n' Park. He used some of the money to buy a house in Stuebenville, OH, and he hired a moving company to take all his stuff there. He thinks there will be enough room to fit my dad. This way you would never have to help me move my dad from his home.
Unfortunately I'll be helping Randall all week until I leave, so I can't travel too far to meet you. Would you be able to meet me somewhere?

FROM: Drew
TO: Roger

i'd be willing to meet you anywhere within 25 minutes of Baldwin. when do you have to leave?

FROM: Roger
TO: Drew

Drew, let's just meet at the **************** Retirement Community in Mount Pleasant at 3:30pm tomorrow. I'll bring the $25 and you should bring the toilet and comfortable sneakers. Maybe a dolly and some lifting straps too, I'm not sure how heavy that toilet is and you might need a hand unloading it.
I'll cya then !

FROM: Drew
TO: Roger

I am not helping to load your father! Go to hell!!!

Accordions for Sale

Roger Podacter:

Hi, I saw you're looking to trade your accordions for some guns. I am definitely interested, but are you only looking for guns or do you just want weapons of any kind?
Thanks,
Roger

B:

I'M PARTAL TO GUNS BUT, I'M OPEN TO ANYTHING, WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

Roger Podacter:

Sorry for my delay in response, I'm currently in prison on DUI charges so my internet access is limited. Some system this is huh?

Anyway, I'll be out on the 21st of November and I am definitely interested in your accordions. I'm looking to turn my life around and I think playing the accordion is the way to do it. I don't have any guns (wink). But I have other weapons that I would be willing to trade for the accordions.

I spent 6 months in Fallujah during Desert Storm working with the a unit that was basically in charge of explosives and detonations. During that time I became familiar with GBFEL's and NPB's (Ground Based Free Electron Lasers and Neutral Particle Beams). These are basically high energy lasers which are designed to neutralize ballistic missiles. Unfortunately, these units were not very widely used or popular. These babies hog quite a lot of power and that kind of juice was hard to come by in the deserts of Iraq.

Anyways, after the war I was able to acquire a NPB through an old college buddy of mine at a relatively low cost. Obviously, you understand that this type of technology is older and partly unstable which makes it extremely dangerous. Since I've had the particle beam I've only used it twice. When I initially acquired it I took it on a quail hunt with my brother-in-law T.J. When I first turned on the unit we pretty much vaporized a 50 yard area within line with the beam. We immediately powered down the unit. The only other time I used it was during a stag party at my old house in Penn Hills. We were shotgunning bottles of Old Grandad, when my uncle Jack passed out and accidentally turned on the device. My friend Darren received third degree burns and had his arm partially sheared off from the particle beam.

I think you now understand the danger, but also the enjoyment that this NPB has to offer. Please send me your cell number so we can arrange a time to meet. The best time and place for our deal would be under the cover of darkness and in a heavily rural area.

Look forward to playing the accordions,
Roger

Job: Stunt Driver Needed

October 8
Roger Podacter:

Good Morning,
I just wanted to formally apply my son for your stunt driver position posted on Craigslist. I see that you are looking for a "professional" stunt driver. Although my son is not a "professional" stunt driver, he has the experience, technical knowledge and pizazz of a professional. He has been involved in 17 amateur stunt videos (1 of which was featured on America's Funniest Home Videos) and 1 made for TV movie. His main areas of stunt expertise are:
Horse stunts
Bow staff fights
Grenade tricks
Somersaults
Razor scooter jumps
Holding breath for a long time
Etc
Please do not hesitate to contact me with questions or if you'd like some references or videos of his work.

I look forward to hearing from you,
Roger

October 9
FROM: Valerie
TO: Roger Podacter

Thank you for your interest. It seems that your son has quite a lot of experience, what we would need for our shoot isn't nearly as dangerous. The stunt involves a barrel roll with a small car.
Are you your son's manager? We'd like to deal with him directly if possible.
Our rates are set at $42/hr and the work would most likely be over a 2-3 day period.
Please have your son submit a resume and references.

Thank you,
Valerie ***********

October 12
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie

Valerie,
Thank you for your prompt response. I see you want to deal with Darius directly, and I can understand that.
Sometimes as a father its tough to take off the training wheels. I've informed my son Darius of your interest in his services and he should be contacting you soon.
Thank you,
Roger

October 12
FROM: Darius Podacter
TO: Valerie

hey my dad told me u want to have me do a car stunt and i want to do it for sure.
-Darius

October 13
From:Valerie
To: Darius

Please send your resume ASAP. I also need references. We've had a hard time finding qualified canidates, so please provide solid references.

October 14
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie
CC: Darius

Valerie,
Darius told me you e-mailed him two days ago. You never copied me on the e-mail, please do so in all future correspondence.
He may be the stuntman, but I'm still his father.

October 14
FROM: Darius
TO: Valerie, Roger

hey i think my dad is mad about ur email to me, hes mad at me too. he wants us to keep his email on the emails too. i can do the car stunt for sure and i think it would be cool if i was on fire while i did the stunt. this is my resume:
i can juggle good
i can do somesaults
i can throw a knife and a sword
i am a green belt
i can do skateboard tricks
i can fake throw-up
i can throw-up for real

i can do more stunts too. when do u want me to crash the car? i can only do it on the weekends or after school on the week and my bedtime is at 9.

-darius

October 14
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie
CC: Darius

Valerie,
I think my son was confused as to which resume you wanted, he's been busy with school (Master's degree). I will get a resume to you by the end of the day today.
Sorry for the inconvience,
Roger

October 14
FROM: Valerie
TO: Roger

I don't think we're interested. Thank you.

October 16
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie

Valerie,
I don't understand your sudden loss of interest? I was unable to send out Darius's resume the other day because we were practicing stunts and had an accident. We were trying out war movie stunts when Darius accidently ingested some mustard gas and lost control of his dirt bike, crashing it into my amateur chemistry laboratory. I was unable to get to my laptop because a massive chemical fire engulfed our home.
Thankfully Darius is going to be fine and can still shoot the car stunt for your film. I've been training Darius as a stuntman since he was 4 years old and now in 2009 he's one of the most gifted 12 year old stuntman in the business.
Please let me know your decision,
Roger

October 19
FROM: Darius Podacter
TO: Valerie

hey girl r u going to let me do the car stunt or not? and u never said if u liked my idea for me to be on fire for the stunt.
my dad promised me u were going to pay me.
-darius
October 20
FROM: Valerie
TO: Roger

You have your little 12 year old boy perform stunts!? I can't even begin to explain how disgusting you are as a parent.
Please do not e-mail me again.

October 21
FROM: Darius Podacter
TO: Valerie

Hey Valerie, its me Darius. I'm not really 12 years old, I'm 18, my dad was just joking around. I hope you are not too upset.
I am very interested in helping you out and doing the car stunt. Please contact me soon and we can arrange a meeting time.
And I know you may not like my dad, but he will have to be there for the meeting because my motorcycle is in the shop so he will be driving me to the meeting. I'll have my dad fax my birth certificate so you know I'm 18.
I do look like I am twelve and talk like I am twelve, but I am definitely not 12. I am 18.

October 21
FROM: Valerie
TO: Roger, Darius

STOP. EMAILING. ME. YOU CHILD ABUSER. I SERIOUSLY HOPE THIS IS A JOKE.

October 22
FROM: Roger Podacter
TO: Valerie

Valerie,
I'm not a child abuser, my son is 18. But even if he was 12, wouldn't it be kind of cool? My son being a world class stuntman at 12 years old!? Oh, and I love how you assume its child abuse.
Is it child abuse that my son made over $120,000 last year performing stunts??
Is it child abuse that he successfully skiied into a tree at 40mph for last year's Vern Troyer project on the life of Sonny Bono??
Is it child abuse that at the age of 9 he engulfed himself in flames for the movie "Sunnyville: Sun Colony 2045"?
Is it child abuse that he rode an adult siberian tiger for the film adaptation of "Thundercats"?
Is it child abuse that he took a cannonball to the chest for a Mead college-ruled paper commercial?
NO! It's not.
I have been a great father and I'll I'm trying to do is get my son what he deserves.
He is honestly 18. We were just having some fun. Where should I send the resume?
-Roger

Position: Picker Needed

Thu, Oct 8 Roger Podacter:

Good morning,
I saw your Picker position posted on-line, and I was just curious what exactly I would be "picking"?
I am 44 years old, strong as a full grown eagle and have a clean bill of health. I don't drink or smoke meth and I rarely eat out.
Thanks in advance,
Roger

Wed, Oct 14 Linda:

Roger, you would be picking mushrooms. Please give me a call @ 412-***-****.
Thank you,
Linda **********


Fri, Oct 16 Roger Podacter:
Thank you for your response. My previous experience as a picker has only been with corn and one season of apples.
Would this experience be enough to be considered for the position?
Should I send my resume to this e-mail address?
I can't call you right now because my dumb dad used all the month's minutes on our Cricket plan. I do have 3 texts left, so I could text you my resume. Would that work?
Thank you,
Roger

Mon, Oct 19 Linda:

Yes your experience would be fine, but we have had a change in orders. This is not an immediate need at the moment.
You can still send your resume because we have other companies we supply, but please just e-mail it.
Thanks, Linda

Mon, Oct 19 Roger Podacter:

Linda,
Great to hear back from you. I just came inside to take a break from my flock and I was delighted to find your e-mail.
I am somewhat disappointed to see that the picker position is no longer available, but I am excited by your mention of future opportunities.

Here is some basic information about myself:

Name: Roger Podacter
Age: 44
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 198lbs

Current Employment: I have been my own boss for the last 6 months and I am responsible for over 100 employees. I am currently a shepherd in Cambria County Pennsylvania and I tend to a flock of 96 sheep and 5 llamas. I have excellent leadership skills and have only lost one ewe to an animal attack. One evening I biked into town to get some cereal, and when I returned I encountered a full grown bear mauling a 2 year old named Jazzy. This job has given me experience riding horses, mules and llamas. I also am quite handy with a staff and hunting knife.

Previous Employment:
(November 10, 2008 - February 15, 2009)
Last Winter I was employed by Picko's Video Rentals/Veterinary Services located in Nanty Glo, PA. My job mostly required me to ensure tapes were rewound, movies made their way to the correct genre and that all dogs/cats were completely neutered/spayed. I was laid off/fired when my dad got tuberculosis and I was unable to get a ride to work.
During this time I joined a pyramid scheme and was quickly promoted to leader. Later on it became apparent that I was not leader, and I lost over $15,000.

(October 7, 2008 - October 7, 2008)
Happy Hills Day Care
I worked as a day care assistant / activities co-coordinator for around 2 hours in October. I was laid off near the beginning of my employment because of a paperwork foul-up on their part. I forgot to disclose my status as a Registered Sex-Offender, but they never even asked in the interview. Most of my experience here was meeting my boss and viewing an orientation video.

(July 4, 2005 - August 28, 2008)
I spent just over 3 years as a fashion designer / stylist for Jiggensmith Funeral home in Detroit, MI. My responsibilities included: styling hair, making glass eyes (hand blown), ironing shirts and covering stab wounds with patches or flowers . Sometimes I would be required to take "decent looking" parts from closed caskets and replace "poor parts" on open casket bodies, you'd be surprised how many families never check for four limbs in the closed caskets of relatives.

The only restrictions that I have on employment is that I cannot work with children or within 100 yards of a school or daycare center. Also I have no reliable means of transportation so someone would have to pick me up or be a work from home or "pyramid scheme" type deal.

I look forward to hearing from you,
Roger