Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Baltimore Road Trip

Roger to Bernard

Good afternoon,
I see you're headed to Baltimore today.  Any chance I can ride along with my son Darius?
Thanks,
Roger

Bernard to Roger

Oh shoot!  I meant to write Sunday!  Just fixed the post.
Would you still be interested in that case?  Plenty of room for 2 people; luggage too if you have it.

-Bernard

Roger to Bernard

Bernard (Saint Bernard! HAHA, i LOVE dogs!),
Sunday, would work as well.  We just need to be there by Monday, I'm not sure if you have a fast car or what.  We don't have much luggage just one bag, but we do have some rather peculiar cargo.  We're headed to Baltimore for the National Livestock Convention outside the city, and my son is an amateur lambsmen.  Thankfully he's only showing one lamb this year, so it won't be difficult to take it to Baltimore in your vehicle.  Bojangles is a six month old ewe, so she's small and could easily fit in the back seat or in your trunk.  She's very loving and well behaved.
The only problem is that she's just reaching her sexual maturity, so she's currently menstruating.  I know this sounds like a bother, but its really not, just part of nature.  I do have diapers that I put on her, but we'd need to stop a few times to change the gauze and allow her to "do her business".
Another small problem is that we just recently ran out of tampons, and I am kind of embarrassed buying them.  So maybe once you pick me up you could also purchase them for me?  I'd be willing to pay for them, I just want someone else to actually go through the checkout.
I know this seems like a lot of trouble, but really Darius and myself are great, fun loving people.  And I have quite a cassette collection of adult contemporary pop that I could bring for the car ride down.
What time are you planning to leave on Sunday?
Thanks,
Roger

Bernard to Roger

Hi! 

Apologies for the late reply, just got back to my computer.
That IS peculiar! 

Where am I picking you up, and where am I dropping you off? 
I'm actually picking up a station wagon, which is why I'll be out there; a friend checked it out and says it's a 'creampuff,' and I need an old US-made car that's cheap to repair!  It's road-ready, Ian tells me; we won't break down mid way.
Just got out of a 2001 volvo in which every minor to moderate repair was $500+ guaranteed, and just rebuilding the transmission doubles the cost of the car.  Sigh. 

I'll be coming from:
*** S****** Dr
********, PA *****

I'll be driving to Towson, MD-- just at the top of beltway/695, where it meets with 83.
Specifically 1 ******** Ct. Towson, MD 21204 if you want to mapquest it.

I'll be leaving around 2pm-- but possibly earlier, too, towards 1pm

Feel free to bring music!
Cassettes will be good-- it's an older car :-)  Maybe I'll use the money I'll be saving on the next hypothetical repair on the volvo I got rid of, and get myself a new stereo for it that takes CDs; but I won't have that on Sunday. 

Obviously I can go a little out of my way to pick you up, and a little out of my way to drop you off at the hotel you're choosing, so let me know where you have in mind?
I think gas & tolls will be $60-$70; I won't be getting great fuel economy.  Maybe you could cover travel costs?  It's less than bus tickets. 
Just to be sure, Bojangles will not soil the car?  I'm not really comfortable buying the tampons but you could use one of those self checkouts at a Giant Eagle.  I'm sure she's adorable, and it'll be a fun story to tell. 
Do you have a number I can reach you at?
-Bernard

Roger to Bernard

St. Bernard!
Good to hear from you again.  Darius is so excited to be able to attend the convention!  He was up all night brushing and playing piano to Bojangles.
I'm still worried about the tampons because I'm not sure that I'll have enough diapers and gauze for the trip.  Judging by her current rates, I'd estimate that we'd need to stop at least 6 times during our journey.
I guess a Giant Eagle self check-out might work, but I am still kind of worried about women seeing me and thinking I am a freak.  I would feel much more comfortable if you would be a pal and do it for me.  Sam's Club carries a box of 300 that should make our trip accident-free.
The convention is not far at all from Towson, so this will work out perfectly.  Its in a town called Hurlock, MD and I checked a map I have and it should only be about 15 or 20 minutes out of the way.
So I have no problem at all paying for the travel costs, but only under one condition.  You allow Darius and I to sit in the front seats and you would be in the back with Bojangles.  She seems to take well to strangers better and she rarely nips at their fingers and ears.
I have several toys and puzzles that you could use to entertain her during the journey.
The only other request that I have is that you talk in a high pitched voice.  This will help to calm Bojangles.  We speak to her in baby talk and I would expect you to do the same.  A few months ago Bojangles broke my father in-law's jaw after he spoke to her with his deep voice.
I know this seems like a lot, but I think it will all be worth it when you see the smile on Darius's face.
I don't have a cell phone, but you can call this number ***-***-**** which goes directly to my pager.  Upon receiving your page I will locate a pay phone and call you immediately.  You can usually expect to hear from me within the same day.
Thanks so much,
Roger

P.S. Darius made a picture for you that he insisted I send you.  He says thank you soo much.
  

Bernard to Roger

Roger, I'm not sure where you 15-20 min from, but I checked mapquest and its over 2 hours out of the way.  30 min or a little more I could do it, but 2 hours is much too far.  Your pager number is not working.
I'm sorry, but I won't be able to give you and Darius a ride :( Please understand.  I really enjoyed his picture and he has some serious talent. :) I hope you can find other means to the convention.
-Bernard

Roger to Bernard
Bernard, you might want to call mapquest.  I am using a real map and its closer than you think.  Maybe your computer has a virus?? 
If you are just making this up because you don't want to buy 300 tampons, then I wish you would just say it.  I've always been honest with you and I feel like you are lying to me.
Darius was crushed when I told him that you don't want to drive us and you don't like lambs.  He was so enraged that he began smashing items in our home, so I had to sit on his legs for an hour until he calmed down.
Have fun listening to the radio on the way down.  I hope your air conditioning breaks and you get four flat tires.
Have a nice life,
Roger

Bernard to Roger

I tried to be very accomodating to your situation, but your last email is nothing but lies. 
I was looking forward to meeting your family and Bojangles, but now I just feel bad for your son.
HIS FATHER IS A LIAR!

Roger to Bernard

I told my son that you hate lambs and he gave me this to send to you:
     

1 comment:

  1. This is seriously the funniest shit on the internet.

    ReplyDelete