Dolphin Adventures

From Roger Podacter to Kimberly

Hi! I saw your motorhome on-line and i am very interested in giving you money so I own it.  Are you the original owner?
I really would like to get a deal done sometime this weekend if possible.
-Roger

From Kimberly to Roger

No I am not the original owner. Would you like to come take a look and check it out?

Thank you,
Kimberly
321-***-****


From Roger to Kimberly

Whoa! Hold your horses Kimmy.  We may be able to set something up, but I just want to make sure you're serious about selling.  What are you looking to get in a trade for the motorhome?  Do you enjoy outdoor activites?
Thanks,
Roger


From Kimberly to Roger

Trust me I'm serious! We have a towing business and its been in our yard for about a year now. What are you looking to trade, I'm pretty open within reason.
321-***-****

From Roger to Kimberly and Dewayne Neederlander

OK, I understand. Well basically I have a great chip to barter with you if you and your family are into the great outdoors.  My brother in-law Dewayne and I have a 23 foot fishing boat and run our own small business called "Dolphin Adventures".  We run outta Tampa year-round in the Gulf.  All you and your family would need to do is decide when you want us to take you out and we'd provide the rest.

We run 3 hour, 6 hour, 9 hour and 3 day excursions  I would be willing to offer you whatever package you want.  We provide a lunch and plenty of adventure.  We travel out of Tampa southwest towards whats called "The Dolphin Run".  Once there we use whats called an EccoPhone to attract the dolphins.  We'll also be throwing some sardines into the waters at this time. A dolphin's favorite treat!

Once we have about 6 to 10 dolphins near the vessel, we'll drop anchor and Dewayne will bring the dolphins closer by hand feeding them the sardines.  Your children will be filled with excitement as real live dolphins swim close enough to touch.  We provide guests we a few sardines so that they can get to say that they've fed a real live dolphin.

At this time I will equip you and each member of your family with a snorkel, diving mask and a 19 inch spear gun.  If some in your party are poorer swimmers they can remain on deck, but we ask that they stay alert to others around them.  Once caught, Dewayne and I will handle all of the cleaning of the dolphins as well as ensuring they are completely dead.  The entire session will be well documented via DVD for your viewing enjoyment years from now.
Upon completion of the adventure we'll return to port and once there you will have the opportunity to purchase a picture package of the excursion or have any impressive catches stuffed and mounted for your living room.

Normally this package costs around $3000 for a 3 day trip, but I would be willing to offer it to you in exchange for the camper.  We've surprisingly had so much success with Dolphin Adventures, that we are now looking to acquire a motor home to use for "Croc-Encounters of the Third Kind".  Dewayne's friend has 50 acres in the Everglades we plan to use for guided croc hunts.

I'll call you once I'm off work to get directions to your house.  Where abouts in Kissimmee are you?

-Roger

From Kimberly to Roger

A DOLPHIN HUNT?????? NO THANKS. YOU ARE MENTALLY SICK!

From Roger to Kimberly and Dewayne

Kimberly, please copy my brother-in-law Dewayne on all future e-mails.  If we're going to get this deal done by this weekend we all need to be on the same page.  I'll give you a conference call tonight with Dewayne on so we can hammer out the details and get your address.
Also, I'm trying to get your lunches ready for the trip; do you and your kids prefer tuna sandwiches or lunchables?  I think I already know the kids will want lunchables :).

From Kimberly to Roger and Dewayne

THERE WILL BE NO DEAL. DO NOT CALL ME OR E-MAIL ME OR I WILL GO TO POLICE.

From Dewayne to Kimberly

Kimberly,
It seems like you are upset.  Roger can be pushy, which is why I'm offering you the opportunity to negotiate solely with me.  "Croc-Encounters of the Third Kind" is a lot closer to fruition than Roger has led on.  I would be willing to take you and your family to my friend Jessup's lands in the Everglades.  Just like Dolphin Adventures, each journey will include a lunch, fan boat transportation, a 12-gauge sawed-off shotgun and plenty of croc thrills.  I guarantee that you or your children will at least see a croc, and if you don't kill it, I will offer to take you to an area known for Bald Eagle nests.  Once there you can pay me $20 to $500 and I will kill it with the weapon of your choosing.
Please let me know if this type of excursion interests you.
-Dewayne

From Dewayne to Kimberly (sent the next day)

Kim,
I still haven't heard back from you, I'm getting worried.  Did you sell the motor home to another buyer?
Since you passed up on Dolphin Adventures and Croc-Encounters of the Third Kind, they must have been offering a Porsche Cayenne full of gold bars.
Let me know,
Dewayne

From Kimberly to Dewayne

I TOLD YOU TO STOP E-MAILING ME A**HOLE

From Dewayne to Kimberly and Roger

You said that to Roger.

From Kimberly to Dewayne

STOP.

From Dewayne to Kimberly

Sorry.

From Dewayne to Kimberly

Ooops.

Tennis Racket

From Roger to Cynthia

Hello. I saw your tennis racket for sale on Craigslist.  My son Darius just turned 6, so its time to begin his training.  Do you know the racket's model or how old it is?  He's pretty particular about what I get for him and he usually wants nothing but the best.  I don't want to upset him.
Thanks,
Roger

From Cynthia to Roger

Hi,
It's a Wilson hammer 25
Tension - 18-23 kj
Length - 63.5 cm
Weight  - 235 grams
Head size - 645 cm2
Balance 33.5 cm
Pattern - 16x19

It's one year old, used once, no scratches and comes with a case.

Perfect for a junior learner.
Feel free to email for more details,
Cynthia

From Roger to Cynthia

Cynthia,
Thanks for your quick response and all of the information.  I just want to make sure I get Darius the right racket for him to learn with.  This summer I tried getting him interested in cricket and he seemed excited, but then he threw a fit because the bat I bought him wasn't the right color.  He burned the bat with a bunch of his mates on the sidewalk near our apartment.
I am definitely willing to give you EUR30 for it, but I just don't want to make the same mistake again.  Do you have any photos of the racket or a description of the color?
Thanks,
Roger

From Cynthia to Roger

Here’s a photo.

Good luck!

From Roger to Cynthia and Darius

Darius, Celine was nice enough to send a photo for you.  Let me know if it is what you want.  You can use some of the money from Uncle Peter to pay for it.
Love,
Dad

From Darius to Roger and Cynthia

dad it is cool and i want it.  why do i have to use my money for it???? can u get it for me?

From Roger to Darius and Cynthia

Darius, you need to learn about the value of money.  You have the money and can pay for it.

Cynthia, we'll take the racket for EUR30.  Would you like me to meet you somewhere?

Thanks,
Roger

From Cynthia to Roger

I'm sure he'll love it. Call me and we can arrange. 

From Darius to Cynthia

hey lady. i hate that my dad is making me spend my money for this racket.  i dont want to give  you 30 euros for it, because then i can't buy any video games.  i will give you 5 euros.

From Cynthia to Roger

Your son contacted me, I'm sure without your knowledge, offering 5 euros for the racket.  Just thought you would want to know.

From Roger to Darius and Cynthia

DARIUS! I know you want to save some of your money, but Cynthia is nice enough to offer her racket for 30 euros.  We already agreed that you would pay her your 30 euros.  I don't want to make you upset, so I'll chip in 10 euros so you only spend 20.
Love, Dad

From Darius to Roger and Cynthia

DAD! THIS IS MOSTLY WHY I HATE YOU!!!!!!  I AM NOT SPENDING ANY OF MY MONEY!  YOU ARE BUYING ME THE RACKET AND PAY Cynthia 40 EUROS!

From Roger to Cynthia and Darius

Cynthia, I was afraid this would happen.  We have upset Darius and now, I will offer you 50 euros for the racket, but you have to promise to kneel before Darius during the exchange.  He is quite upset and I also request that you refer to him as "Darius the Wizard".

From Cynthia to Roger and Darius

Please don't e-mail me again. Either of you.

Carpet Cleaners

From Roger Podacter to Albert

Good afternoon! I just recently purchased an older home in Chavis Heights area of Raleigh.  Right now its just my son Darius and I after my recent divorce, but I've been getting closer to finding Darius a mother.  I've sent a few messages on Match.com and remain hopeful about my chances. 
Anyways, I got quite a deal on an absolutely adorable house, so I have some extra cash I'd like to spend on improvements.  One of the major improvements I need to do immediately is clean/replace the carpets.  I've been trying to get some estimates and have even had a few companies come to the house, but so far I haven't got any offers.
What are your normal rates?  The house is approximately 2,200 sq. ft.
Thanks,
Roger

From Albert to Roger

Yes I will give you my special.  Doing a replace is much more cost effective than a new install. please call me @ 919-***-****

From Roger to Albert

Albert,
Thanks for your quick response.  It is great to hear that you are willing to help my son and I.
The main area of carpet effected is the bedroom and den, but there are also spotty areas in the hallways, my office, a smaller bedroom and the living and dining rooms.
Altogether about 650 sq ft of carpet.  Any idea on what the cost of cleaning would be?  I just wonder if the damage is so extensive that it makes sense to just replace it.  Thanks again soo much, all of the other companies said they are ill equipped or simply refused to handle so much blood.
-Roger

From Albert to Roger
So much blood? I have done biohazard clean-up a few times before.  I would be able to do the job today. give me a call 919-***-****

From Roger to Albert

Albert,
Thanks again for your quick response.  Unfortunately, I won't be home today to let you into the house, and I appreciate your enthusiasm.  But I feel that you should first come to look at the house and then decide if you wish to help me out or not.  I wasn't entirely honest in my previous e-mails.
Well, I was honest, but I did not go into detail on the cause of the my carpet problems.
I got such a good deal on the home, because it was a former front for drug trade and 2 people were murdered at the residence.  I'm not talking about cyanide poisoning murder or choking on a ham sandwich murder.  We are talking I'm hungry for Bit-O-Honey's, I found a stick and I'm using your head as a pinata murder.  They never found the murder weapon, but the word bludgeon was used, and that was all I cared to here. 
I always thought that the police or someone involved in the investigation cleaned up these scenes, but apparently not.
I just felt I had to be honest with you,
Roger

From Albert to Roger

Roger It sounds like the house just needs some TLC and the Lord's blessings. It should really be no problem no job too big or too small. If you could let me know when or what time do you need me to come and give you a estimate?  I can show the cost advantages of repair over replace.

From Roger to Albert

Albert, sorry for my delay in response, but I spent nearly 4 hours last night looking over the carpet and debating on whether to simply have it cleaned or just replace it.
Do you have previous experience removing heavy blood stains?  I just worry, because the drug dealers bodies were not discovered until after about 12 days.  This allowed for heavy pooling. The carpet is quite light and of the shag variety.
I was thinking about just calling a flooring company and having them remove it tonight.
What are your thoughts?
-Roger
P.S. Sorry I'm being so indecisive.

From Albert to Roger

Roger,
My rates are very reasonable.  Your carpet may look bad but I am sure that we can get it looking brand new.  Replacing carpet can be costly but its your call. Call me.

From Roger to Albert

I never should have listened to you Albert!  I should have just called the flooring company in Raleigh and had them come out immediately to replace it.  Last night I was awoken by the sounds of Darius screaming like a banshee.  I darted from my bed and witnessed my own 62 pound son floating over the stairwell.  Upon closer inspection I could make out the outline of a large demon holding him by his Dora the Explorer underpants.  I immediately reached for my EPV meter to get a reading of the demon's strength, but it was nowhere to be found!  In its place was the shell-less body of Mister McGillicuddy, Darius's 6 year old box turtle.  He looked terrified.
Without knowing the demon's strength I was forced to remove my clothing and cover my entire body in aluminum foil to shield myself from being penetrated and possesed by the demon.  I was able to knock the wind out of the demon with a swift elbow to his groin.  Unfortunately, he dropped Darius down the flight of stairs.  We immediately evacuated the house and spent last night in a local Holiday Inn.
Because of you my son was nearly killed by a demon, and now that demon owns the deed to our home.  I left your phone number on top of the glass case over my beanie baby collection, so hopefully the demon will be contacting you soon.  Hopefully your equipment can cleanse your soul.

Pet Sitting Service

From Roger Podacter to Katie

Hi, I saw your ad that you offer a pet sitting service and I am definitely interested. I have a ten year border collie named Michael who is as cute as a baby, but as annoying as a baby. Basically, I can rarely get anything done around the house without Michael wanting me to pet him, throw a ball to him or feed him. Don't get me wrong, I love my dog, but he is constantly bugging me.

For instance, last night I was trying to watch season 2 of Heroes and Michael is nudging my hand with his snout and begging for food. I could barely watch the show.I am missing out on a lot that life has to offer and I just need a hand. How much are your rates normally?
-Roger

From Katie to Roger

Hi Roger,

Thank you for contacting me. WoW!! You definitely have a furry problem. Do you work outside the house? I'm wondering if Michael is left alone all day while you are out of the house? If so,this is part of his problem you might want to start home visits to keep him company for an hour or two.

My fee for a home visit is $24.00 for an hour, he would get all the attention he needs.

How much time do you spend with him a day? Look forward to meeting Michael! Katie

From Roger to Katie

Katie, $24/hr is kinda pricey. How much would it be for you to come out to the house and pet Michael while I watch Home Improvement and surf the internet? All you would need to do is sit in my living room and pet him while Darren and I watch some TV and maybe order a pizza. Probably from 5pm to Midnight Monday thru Friday.
Thanks, Roger

From Katie to Roger

Roger, WoW! I already have a few clients so I doubt I'd be able to help you out 35 hours a week. Have you thought of doggie day care? There are a lot of great facilities in the area that could care for Michael while you are at work.

I'm really sorry. I would be willing to come to your home during the week a couple days to keep Michael company while you are at work.

From Roger to Katie

Michael is really getting on my nerves today and on Darren's. Darren is my brother-in-law, well not technically, since I'm divorced, but Darren lives with me. He's been out of work since July and lost his license. Usually he watches Michael during the day, but he normally wakes up about an hour before I get home from work, so he's not very useful.

I'd really rather not have you come to the house during the day, because Darren is a registered sex offender, even though it was over 10 years ago and he was 18 and she was 15. $24/hr is kind of expensive for you to come out while I'm at work, but like I said, you can come while I am home. That is when Michael bothers me most.

Ramada Inn

Roger Podacter
To: The Ramada Inn Providence, Rhode Island

Good afternoon,
I was in Providence earlier this week giving a lecture and demonstration at the Roger Williams Medical Center and I stayed at your hotel. My stay was very pleasant, but I had to leave in a hurry this yesterday morning.

I got a call from my mother informing me that my wife had gone into labor.  I had to cancel my morning appointments for the day and rushed out of the hotel to make the 3 hour drive back to New York.  Well, I'm sorry to say but I think I may have left one of my exhibits in the room.  It is a human hand.  Its an adult white male's and was in a formaldehyde jar. 

You probably think I am kidding around, but I can't for the life of me think of how I wouldn't have noticed it.  It may have rolled out of my bag and under the bed or something.
If you could please send someone to the room to retrieve it, I would really appreciate it.  I'll be back in Providence next week and could pick it up then.
Thank you,
Dr. Roger Podacter M.D.

Dewayne Neederlander
To: The Ramada Inn Providence, Rhode Island

I don't know if this is some kind of Halloween joke or something, but I just found a human hand in my room!  When I first checked in the room smelled kind of funny and while unpacking my things I noticed a small stain on the carpet under the bed.  When I took a closer look I found it was a broken glass jar with a human hand under the bed!! I nearly vomited.

I didn't really check it to see if it was real or not, I would assume it was fake.  I picked it up with a bag and threw it away in the lobby on my way out the door this morning.

That is a pretty clever prank, probably set-up by one of your maid staff, but I don't know if everyone would find it funny.

I thought it was quite funny and I'll definitely be staying with you guys again.
Thanks,
Dewayne Neederlander

Jason (Ramada Inn Service)
To: Dewayne Neederlander

We'd like to further investigate your incident with the room, but we have no record of you staying with us Mr. Neederlander.
What room was this incident in?

Thank you,
Jason

Dewayne Neederlander
To: Jason

Thanks for your response Jason.  I actually don't recall what room I was staying in, at the time of the incident I was quite inebriated after taking some LSD with my manager and a couple elves.  I am positive the room was on the 2nd floor, because I remember climbing a rainbow to reach my bed.

It makes sense that you don't have a record of a Dewayne Neederlander staying at your hotel, because I always travel under pseudonyms because of my high profile status.  My name is Robin Williams.  I was in Mrs. Doubtfire and Jack where I played a young boy who aged rapidly.  The movie ultimately and expectantly ended with me dying while all my closest friends were just starting with acne and wet dreams.

14FT Box Truck Available for Hauling

Dewayne Neederlander
To: Byron

Hi, I live about 20 minutes from you, and I'm definitely interested in hiring you to move some things of mine with your box truck. 
I'm glad I found your ad because normally I just have to take my chances and burn all of my leftovers every fall to prepare for the
winter season.

Bryon
To: Dewayne Neederlander

My dad is the one who does it his name is frank and yea we should be able to help you out.
what kind of stuff do you need us to haul?
call me at ***-***-****.

Dewayne Neederlander
To: Byron

Byron, Thanks for you quick response.
I run a small taxidermy business from my home, and I'd like to hire you to move-out all my "leftovers" from this season. 

This is exactly how it sounds. I have everything; deer legs, dog torsos, horse rib cages, etc.  I have been trying to keep most of the items frozen to hide the smell, but my ice box was full in late July, so I've just been storing everything in shopping bags in my frig.
 
It should take about an hour to load all the pieces, and I've drained the majority of the blood into some mason jars which we can transport easily.

We'll just need to find a place to dump all of this stuff, because if we do it too close to a populated area it will attract bears.
 
I'm thinking we could find somewhere to do it near Cooks Forest state park. Does the truck have good tires?

Thanks,
Dewayne