Monday, June 29, 2009

Couch Auditions


Curb Alert-floral couch (L*************)

Date: 2009-06-24, 9:34AM EDT

floral couch, reds & greens & tans
would be good with a cover for a basement or something.
corner of 53rd and h********. pick up before garbage does thursday morning!


From Roger Podacter to sale**************@*************.org

Good afternoon,
I saw that you are looking to get rid of an old couch. I am an independent film maker and I am currently doing a documentary about the L.A. Riots of 1992. I don't have the money to actually travel to L.A. and film, so I have been filming most of the scenes in the Pittsburgh area. What I am proposing is that today, myself, my crew and 50 or so actors, will engulf your couch in flames and simulate a mock riot in front of your residence. This will enable me to get some "authentic" shots. The whole event should last only about 5 or 6 hours. As a reward for your donation I will include you in the film's credits.
I'll just need your name for the credits. Is there ample parking at your residence?

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

im sayin, if you have a permit to do so, go for it... sounds kind of illegal to just do though. and dont catch my car on fire

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

Being an independent film maker means that I try to buck system, so to answer your question bluntly "NO" I don't have a permit to film a riot in front of your burning couch. That is why we will try to get the shot as quickly as possible around 3 o'clock today.
In regards to catching your car on fire, we will try our best to not damage any of your property. My actors try to be authentic as possible, and we will have guns firing blanks, fake knife fights and flaming torches. In the past windows and trees/shrubs have been destroyed, but I have an incidentals fund of $100 that I keep for such accidents.
Thanks and I'll see you at 3.

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

well my car(s) are broke and dont move. so i DONT want them damaged. dont bring ur riot around bc my neighbors will NOT appreciate it. and im not ok with you "trying" not to damage stuff.
go find another couch

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

and if i get home and yins are there n anythin is damaged i will not hesistate to call the police. k thx

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

Karissa,
I understand your concerns, which is why I am willing to ease them by offering you $50 and the lead role in the riot. Basically you would throw a flaming cinder block into the face of one of the stuntmen. There is no danger in injuring him because he is a trained professional.
Please reconsider and don't forget that you would also be included in the credits.

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

NO i dont care about ur movie. i dont want my stuff damaged. i rent, and im pretty sure my landlord would be pissed. GO FIND ANOTHER COUCHHHHH

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

You are a good negotiator. OK, I will offer you $75, the lead role in the flaming cinder block stunt and I will also write in a scene where the camera zooms in for a close-up on your face and you shed a single tear. Do you have any acting experience? If not, its OK, we have Hollywood tricks that can produce this effect.
Change your mind?

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

ur an idiot.

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

I'M AN IDIOT!? I AM A DIRECTOR! WHAT ARE YOU!? YOU ARE JUST A DUMB LADY WHO LEAVES A COUCH OUTSIDE HER HOUSE! YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT BEING IN MY FILM! ALTHOUGH I WILL MENTION YOU IN THE CREDITS AND SAY THAT KARISSA ****** IS A B****! I AM TRYING TO OPEN PEOPLE'S EYES TO THE 1992 LA RIOTS AND YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO START THEM ALL OVER AGAIN.

I HOPE THAT 4 DOGS URINATE ALL OVER YOUR COUCH AND NO ONE COMES TO PICK IT UP BECAUSE IT SMELLS SO BAD. THEN I HOPE IT SITS THERE FOR MONTHS. THEN I HOPE YOUR LANDLORD GETS PISSED AND EVICTS YOU. THEN I HOPE YOU USE YOUR LAST $10 TO SEE MY FILM ABOUT THE RIOTS AND AT THE CLOSING CREDITS YOU WILL SEE A PICTURE OF A SMART PERSON WHO DONATED THEIR COUCH AND THREW A FLAMIN' CINDER BLOCK AND RECEIVED $2 MILLION AS COMPENSATION. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU.


From Karissa to Roger Podacter

im pretty sure the couch is outside bc it is garbage. and will be disposed of tomoro. so IDGAF.
LOSEr. ur the one writing paragraphs to someone about garbage who u werent even gonna pay and just f*** up their property. go write a blues album.
and ps. my real name aint even karissa A$

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

I DON'T GIVE A FLYING F*** IF YOUR REAL NAME ISN'T KARISSA! THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT IS FILMING A RIOT, A BURNING COUCH AND A STUNT MAN GETTING HIT IN THE FACE WITH A CINDER BLOCK!

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HELP ME THEN JUST TELL ME! I WILL STILL GIVE YOU THE $75 AND LET YOU BE IN THE MOVIE, BUT OBVIOUSLY THE PRODUCTION TIME IS GOING TO HAVE TO BE PUSHED BACK. DON'T BEAT AROUND THE F***IN BUSH!
CAN I BURN YOUR F***IN COUCH OR NOT?


From Karissa to Roger Podacter

im pretty sure you must have missed this email
NO i dont care about ur movie. i dont want my stuff damaged. i rent, and im pretty sure my landlord would be pissed. GO FIND ANOTHER COUCHHHHH
you can take the couch somewhere else if you want and burn it, but not at my house. i dont want any parts of ur movie & dont care about cynder blocks. im pretty sure you were hit with one. i dont know why you dont understand this.

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

Ok Fine, I won't use your couch for the riot scene. There is another scene in the movie where an underprivileged woman gives birth to triplets in an alleyway. I would be willing to re-write the script some so that the triplets could be born on your couch in front of your house instead. This scene has no fire or cinder blocks, but there is a lot of fake blood, an artificial vagina and screaming.
Obviously there would be no risk of damage to your property or your beat car that doesn't even work. Would we be able to shoot this scene today around 5pm?

From Karissa to Roger Podacter

wat the f*** part of i dont want shit to do with your movie dont u understand. there are no alleys around my house. and i will not be home. people like you are the reason i dont put my real name on craigslist

From Roger Podacter to Karissa

OK fine, settle down, you don't have to get rude. Please just give me your real name so that I can name the pregnant lady after you.

From Sharonka (A.K.A. Karissa) to Roger Podacter

its sharonka.
goodbye



1 comment:

  1. She seems remarkably calm seeing as Roger called her a bitch. It seems like women are always a little more patient with Roger than men.

    ReplyDelete